Comfort for us all

During Jeff's illness we sought a lot of comfort. We looked for people and words and things to ease our pain. I carried around a notebook with important information and things that were special to me. It had some pictures and some prayers that I looked at a lot. I haven't opened the notebook in months but I moved it the other day and a piece of paper containing a prayer must have fallen out. I found it today. I need to share it because I think we all need to be sharing the things that comfort us.  It's really more of a commission, a blessing.  It's something very special to me.

 The words were written by my cousin John to my Aunt Kay.  John was comforting her as she grieved the loss of her daughter, Lauren.  The prayer wasn't about me or Jeff but we held on to it like it was.  We read it a lot.  And today I think there are a lot of people that can hold on to it.  The words are meant for all of us, especially those who are hurting so much today.

"May God, the father of all, firmly set you in the moment,
May you be suffocated by love,
May you have the courage and fortitude to cry, yell, appreciate silence, revel in "keeping busy," and find an interval of laughter.
May the MERCY of Jesus Christ follow all your works.
May your hands find joy, do goodness, and demonstrate love.
May the militant action of the Holy Spirit bring you the Grace of God in whatever moment you find yourself."

We need to generate more mercy, more love for one another and more tolerance to everyone.  I'm in short supply but I am going to do my best.

Leta

12-12-12

It's supposed to be a lucky day. I don't know if I believe in luck but it would be nice to have a good day. Life is continuing to move us along. We are busy. We are sad. We're a little lost. We're trying our best. We're wanting Jeff everyday and some of us are VERY mad. I've come to the conclusion that you have to feel it all sooner or later. So here we are swimming in it. It's not fun and after only three months we are pretty sure there is no ending to this sorrow or a chance we will ever be happy again. The kids and I have one big secret. We can fake it. We can go out in public, we can be around people and we can smile and even laugh. But our little family knows the truth. So we are trying to get through this horrible holiday season. We put up our tree and decorations and lights. We are going through the motions. We didn't go or participate in the Christmas pageant. I don't know if we will go to Christmas Eve church. We limit our exposure to Christmas carols on the radio. And happy, jolly people - well, we steer away from them. The kids are still all in for presents though. Football is over and all 3 kids are playing basketball. They all want to just be normal and be with their friends. I'm trying not to hover and hold on too tight. Luke got accepted to Texas Tech and WTAMU. I'm sure he'll go to Tech. He deserves that wonderful experience! Gracie and Jake and I can't even talk about how much we'll miss him. Stock show season is quickly approaching and we will be headed to Ft Worth, San Antonio and Houston. So I'm glad our time will be filled. I've decided to keep up the blog for a little bit longer. I think it will be something the kids will want to read when they're adults. There must be so much they can't understand or process right now. And maybe me too. Leta

Some A+ Days

We had some really good moments last weekend and I was thankful. And it's been hard to be thankful lately. I am but I don't want to have to express it right now. Everyone is writing on Facebook all the things they are thankful for and it just makes me mad. I'm going to let myself be mad this year. But not so long that I get bitter. Just a little cranky. So we had two A+ moments last weekend. It was Luke's last home game of the season and it was senior night. All the parents go on the field and stand by their child as they are introduced. I really dreaded it, so much that I was afraid I would lose my shit right there on the field in front of my son and everybody. But it went okay. I just looked at him and thought about how proud I was and how much I loved him. I knew Jeff had to be enjoying the moment with us. It was very sad but I kept it together like a good normal mother should. Luckily I had my friends and sisters close by if I needed them. Thank you: Katie, Sally, Daddy, Kim and Jimmy, Tygh and Chad, Matt and Missy and Jennifer. Instead we huddled together and watched a great game and cheered like maniacs when Luke scored a touchdown. We won the game and my son had a very happy night! A+ Then on Saturday we had a lamb jackpot show. Luke was working so our friend Marleigh went with us to help. We ended up with a Reserve Grand Champion lamb and Gracie won showmanship. A+ So we do have some good things going on in our lives. The holidays are close and I'd just as soon cancel and run of to a beach somewhere. But I'm guessing the reality is turkey with all my family and a lot of chaos. It's what we know! I baked 5 potatoes Sunday night instead of 4. I cried my eyes out. It is so hard everyday. I miss him so much. I ache for him to hold me. So do the kids. We are struggling to get through these days. If you get a postcard from Cancun - it was me and you'll know why. Leta

Caught off guard

Just when I seem to have my emotions in check, something unexpected will catch me off guard and shake me up. Yesterday I found Jeff's check book and I looked at the last check he wrote. It was to his brother for fence repairs on August 22nd. It just doesn't seem that long ago when he wrote it. Woosh! How can that be? How can it be that he was here in August and he is not here now? That one little check was more than I could take. I am surrounded by all his things and yet looking at his handwriting on that check threw me into a free fall. That is how my life is going right now. Lots of good things and friends and even laughing. But we are so fragile right now. My back has been bothering me for a couple of weeks. I finally went to the doctor when I couldn't sleep because of it. She explained it like this. People with extreme stress throw off a lot of adrenaline and it can manifest itself in a lot of different ways. Some people get migraines or ulcers or like me - back spasms. Hmmmm. I didn't even get to pick what I wanted! She said it is completely normal and it is the body's response to stress. I think that meant I'm not totally crazy - she said normal! The only alarming thing she said was the condition of my back indicated it had been like that for a long time and I hadn't even noticed. Really? Do you think that could be true? Do you think I wasn't even aware of myself? I just can't believe it. Do our minds really work that way? It's something to think about. The good news is that she recommends massage and lots of resting with the heating pad. Oh, now that sounds nice. I'm going to start getting a regular massage and I'm going to start talking to my counselor again, just in case I'm a little bit crazy. (I think it's only a little bit.) In other news the kids are good. The heater and the garage door are broken but should be fixed today! It's almost November and we are ready for a new month. Football is almost over and basketball will start soon. Life is going on and it's pulling us along with it. Love, Leta

Moving

Last weekend the kids and I moved to our new house. It is the house Jeff and I bought back in April thinking he would be here for another year or two. We had no idea that the kids and I would move in without him. But we did it and everything seems to be okay. As much sorrow as we have about leaving our home that we shared with Jeff, we all agree that starting over in a new place feels good. Luke and I talked about it a lot. He reminded me that the last two years of our lives have not been normal or consistent. So another change is not too shocking. It has been overwhelming and crazy. I often feel like I can't do it all. All: moving, grieving, running Smith Cattle Co, caring for my kids, even simple things like laundry and going to the store. But I think I am doing ok even though I'm not even close to mastering it "all". Last week Happy had a cancer fundraiser. Last year it was a breast cancer awareness/walk/fundraiser. This year they decided to walk and raise money again and do it all in the memory of Jeff. It was such a great experience. The blessing from the community of Happy continue. As long as I can focus on all the goodness around me, I seem to be able to keep my head above water. I haven't decided if I will continue the blog or not. It was Jeff's journey even though I wrote it. Maybe I will come up with a new name and keep it going. Thanks for all the love. Please come see us at the new house! We'd love to see you. Love, Leta

It is Well with My Soul

It is well with my soul but I'm not quite sure about my heart. The kids and I are missing Jeff. And that doesn't begin to describe it. And I won't even try. I will say that we are okay. We are doing our best to deal with our new life. I think the word that describes us best at this time is numb. We cannot believe that he is gone. He is still all around us and objects that represent him give us a false sense that he is just at work and will be home soon. His boots are still by the back door and we can see his pick up out by the barn. His pictures are everywhere and we talk about him everyday. Sometimes in the past tense and sometimes still in the present. We are cutting the corn that he was here to plant and we are shipping cattle that he bought and cared for. I heard him the other day but it was Luke talking. I saw him the other day but it was Jake as he turned his head. His temperament is alive and well in Gracie as she protests all of this. So he is still with us and that calms us and shatters us. But one thing we know is that he is in Heaven and obviously has had some input on the weather. We joked about that before he died. He was going to get right to work on our Texas drought as soon as he could. So really the 3 1/2 inches of rain were not a big surprise. He got all his wheat planted early for a reason. The love and support from our family, friends and community continue to lift us up. I witness it every day as I see my children being cared for. Happy, Texas has produced a special kind of goodness and grace. And it was a true blessing to watch it grow and spread this past week. I think it is a lesson for all of us. We are all here on this earth to serve and take care of one another. And when we do that, it creates moments that are "just right". It's a great choice to make. Thank you all for living that example for my family. I have written down a verse from a song at Jeff's service. I read it all the time. The hymn was written by Horatio Spafford in the 1800's after he grieved the death of his four daughters. Certainly my grief is not unshared. When peace like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrow like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul. I'm okay, Leta

"For what it's worth, it was worth all the while"

I love the lyrics to that song by Green Day, Good Riddance. Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go So make the best of this test and don't ask why It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right I hope you had the time of your life. Jeff slipped away peacefully yesterday. Yesterday morning when it was obvious what was happening, it was very clear that the moment at hand was meant for me and Jeff. I climbed into bed with him and wrapped us up tight in a quilt. And I just held him and loved him. It wasn't scary or weird. It was actually just love. It was part of the promise we made to each other - till death do us part. So I got to be a part of that beautiful moment. As I was lying there thinking of our life together it made me think how very few times when we are on earth that we get a glimpse of heaven. Jeff and I always thought new babies were close to that since their little spirits are fresh out of heaven. Their first breaths and cries are celestial. And so were Jeff's last. So from what I can tell, it's all going to be okay for the rest of us. I am planning Jeff's service for Thursday afternoon. We talked about this a lot. He didn't want a dark funeral. He wanted a service to praise God and celebrate his life. And afterwards he wanted a big party. He wanted people to eat and drink and laugh. And of course tell all the "Jeff stories" they could remember. Unless they are stories about Jeff and me in college. Those might not be appropriate for my kids to hear! He said it until the end. Everything important in life he was blessed with. Love, Leta

Still fighting

Jeff is still fighting. Early this morning his breathing pattern changed dramatically. He is barely hanging on but his strong heart is still beating. My family surrounded me and my kids today with unimaginable love. Jeff's family also came to be with him. We sat around him and laughed and told all kinds of stories. We touched him and rubbed is arms and legs and even snuggled him. His room is full of life and love, not gloom and doom. It's how he would want it. Peace and calmness are with us all. The nurse told me this morning that it would probably be today. However, those of you that know Jeff the best would also know that: #1 He doesn't like to be told what to do and #2 He is always late and being on time never mattered to him. So there. God is still obviously in charge. Thank goodness. He is comfortable and asleep. His face is completely relaxed. He is so beautiful and I am blessed to be here with him. Leta

What I Know

Jeff is peaceful and asleep. He is not awake anymore but still fighting. My kids have a peace and understanding that is surely heaven sent. There are no rules at hospice and everything here is for the good. My grief is larger than me and what I can understand. The love and grace surrounding us is larger than my grief. There is love and grace in places and people I never thought of. It rained today. (Jeff would love that) Leta

Decision

Yesterday made the tough decision to move Jeff to the hospice unit in Amarillo. He has been declining quickly and i could no longer give him he kind of care he deserves. They are doing a great job and i am standing strong that I did the right thing.  the kids are shaky but okay. My parents are staying with them so i can stay with Jeff. They were up here after school and loved all over their Daddy. So things are okay today. We are being loved from every angle. I'll keep you posted. Leta

From one week to the next

We are still here and still holding on.  I checked what I had posted last week and realized things have changed so much.  Last Friday Jeff went to a football game.  Today he is in bed.  He is sleeping now about 20 hours a day.  That is such a difference from last week.  He's not trying to do anything now.  His brother Ron comes by everyday and drives him around while I pick up the kids from school but that's all he can do.  I have to feed him and bathe him now. He is not really eating.  He doesn't swallow, he just chews the food and hides it in his cheeks.  I find it at night when I help him brush his teeth. Although today he ate a ripe tomato and watermelon.  The hospice nurse was here on Tuesday and will be back tomorrow.  She said this is all normal.  Normal?  What is normal now? I have no idea.

His close friends are coming by now.  Shocked.  How can this be Jeff?  It's been hard for me to watch these big, tough men realize that he is really and truly leaving us. Disbelief for us all. We all know that he used to be one of  those big, tough men.  Invincible.  He is dwindling down to nothing now.  How can that be?

He is not having pain.  Hospice is doing their job.  Right now he just is.  He's not Jeff anymore but we love him like he is.  Kisses and hugs and constant "I love you's".  He deserves it.  I love to whisper in his ear.  He stares away like he knows what I'm saying.  I tell him stories about how we fell in love and how we tried so hard.  How we had our babies and how we've loved so much.  How he's done it all.  How he's been successful. He's made us happy and taken care of us. Sometimes I think he understands.

Leta

Being taken care of

I got spoiled today and I enjoyed every single minute of it.  All my siblings came out today to be with me and Jeff and the kids.  I never have all their attention at once and it was great.  Our time together usually involves the 12 kids we all have and that is not the same experience.  But today was great.  They went to the store for me and helped me clean out the fridge and pantry. (No judgement on their part I'm sure) George is the cleanest and neatest out of the 4 of us.  He's the kind of guy that loves to clean with a q-tip.  But today he de-gunked my fridge and checked Jeff's meds.  Luckily we have a pharmacist in the family to be in charge of things like that. Katie and Sally bought the kids candy and smothered their auntie love on them.

We all sat in the kitchen with my kids and laughed and told stories of when we were little.  My kids hung on every word and Jeff said he could hear us from the bedroom.  As I soaked in the moment I thanked God for the bond that I have with them.  When our brother Charles died 20 years ago we were all very young.  I had just graduated from college and Sally and Katie were in high school.  George was a senior.  At that point in life we were already pretty close.  But after that we were cemented together forever.  Changed by an experience for the better.  And that has been true for a long time now. We will never hurt one another and we never fight.  We share a bond that we experienced together.  And as I looked around the room that's what I prayed for my kids, who are much younger but will still share a life changing experience together.  I hope they come out closer than ever and form their own unbreakable bond.

Jeff had a pretty good day.  His friend Vic came by and they drove around and checked milo.  He also had a great visit with his brother, Ron.  We are counting the goodness every second.

Love, Leta

A Last Hoorah

Yesterday was beautiful and heartbreaking.  Jeff had a rough day.  More than anything he wanted to go to Luke's football game.  I didn't know if he would make it or not.  He is spending most of his time in bed now. He is still very weak and confused. But he was able to come for an hour and it was a spectacular night.  My Dad cooked hamburgers and we all tailgated.  "We" was all the sisters and brother and sister in law and brother in laws and nieces and nephews and grandparents and aunts and uncles,  and many, many friends.  Our safety net is in place!  The Happy Cowboys had an awesome game and we won in a big way.  Luke scored a touchdown while his Daddy was there.  He had a couple of great tackles and more importantly, cheered for his team and was a part of something great.  He was touched and blessed and was smart enough to realize it.  Plus he had his friends (beautiful girls) from church that came to the game with signs and spirit and cheered him on.  He felt all the love.  We all did.  Thank you all so much for giving us that special night.  Because Jeff is much worse today and I'm afraid that was the last football game he will be able to attend.

He is mostly sleeping.  He didn't get up until 4 this afternoon.  Then he went right back to bed.  He is so weak I have to help him walk, eat and bathe.  2 days ago he was doing all of that on his own.  I got a little scared today and my Mom and Dad came out and sat with us.  What would I do without them?  My sisters are coming out tomorrow.  I guess I've finally gotten to the point that I can't do it all by myself.  It's too much.  I called hospice and they said this is all normal and not to be alarmed.  As long as Jeff is comfortable and his pain is control he can stay at home.

My kids are ok.  Jake said today, "Our life is misery right now."  Yes I told him it was.  But we both decided it would not be like this forever.  We've all cried off and on all day.  It will be hard to let them go back to school next week.

I'm okay too.  I'm back on the wine, diet coke and candy diet.  (With occasional  solids)  I keep looking for comfort and it never seems to feel right.  It dawned on me today I'm looking for Jeff.  I need him to take care of me.  But I guess that's what he's always done.  I just need him to tell me one more time that it's all going to be alright.

I love him.  I'm right here with him.  Terrified to leave him.  He even told me today I was hovering.  It won't be long now and that is obvious to all of us.  He is comfortable and in his own bed.  Dreaming, resting and holding his family.  Jeff Smith is something special. I know you all know that.  Thank you for the love and support and prayers and everything.

Leta

Not what I imagined

Things are not the way I thought they would be.  I thought Jeff would just get weaker and sleep more and more and more.  What made me think that? I guess I was thinking that's how I would do it. Things are okay but difficult.  Jeff is simple not himself and that is so much harder to deal with than anything I ever imagined. He wants to do everything he normally does but he simply can't. He is very, very sick. He's heavily medicated and out of it most of the time now.  A couple of days ago he tried to move the tractor, plow and drills from one field to the next.  I practically had to lay in the dirt and have a fit to get him to stop.  I paid the ultimate price when I had to drive the wheat seed truck to the next field so he wouldn't do it himself. I don't remember that part of our wedding vows.
 Everyday he is less himself.  We are losing him a little bit everyday and I wasn't prepared for that.  The kids are actually handling it much better than I am.  It's simple for them.  "He's not Daddy right now or He looks like he's awake but he's dreaming."  That's a good way to describe it.  He's out of it but sometimes totally there. He is still our Jeff even though the biggest part of him is already gone. This has all happened so quickly.  He is weaker every day and more and more confused.  Of course we all thought I would be the first one to lose their mind! He's been our rock for so long.

Today was the first day he didn't really leave the house much.  His brother drove him around for less than an hour and that was all he could take.   He truly thinks he's fine to do anything.  Reality is quite different.  It has been a full time job keeping him still.  All he wants to do it go to work.  He wants to check cattle and milo and of course plant wheat.  He wants his pick up and his keys and he wants to GO.  All of his team at hospice has decided he is much too weak and disoriented to do any of that.  You know he loves that!

School has started and it's been a struggle.  The kids are worn out and it's hard to keep us all going. 3 kids and 3 different schedules are tough.  Jake got to school today right at 8:00 and the new principal told him he was a minute away from a tardy.  Of course the new principal didn't know that Jake would worry and cry all afternoon about that.  He didn't know that Jake has never been tardy in his life and got to school today after he ate breakfast, fed lambs and spent a little time with his Daddy. And it's all my fault because Gracie had to be at school at 7 for work out and Jeff wasn't able to get the boys up and I forgot to set an alarm for them.  But it's just too much to call the new principal and tell him all of that. Plus I don't want him to think I'm nuts right away.  Don't I get a grace period??? I tried to set two alarms on my phone and I don't think it does that.

Tomorrow is Luke's first football game.  I don't know if Jeff will go or not. He sure wants to but I don't know if he can handle it or not.  We'll see what happens.  More tough decisions.

Please pray for my kids.  They are wrung out.  They know exactly what's going on and they are accepting it daily.  (Much better than me)  They love their Daddy so much and they are clinging to him.  We remain loving and loyal to our guy.  As hard as it is, we will do all of this for him, because of all that he has done for us.  It is not a burden but an honor to care for him and love him "no matter what". I didn't understand that part either.  But here we are.  Doing our best and carrying on.  Life is continuing and ending at the same time.  God is with us and ultimately we are ok.  Strong but crying.  Happy but mourning.  Weary but trying.  We are making it through.

Love,
Leta

tough stuff

Jeff is changing quickly. He is much weaker and often confused. we increased his pain meds today.  He is still at home for now. he is also still checking milo and cattle and delighting in his kids.
We are very very sad. please love and pray us through this  time. Love, Leta

What we need

It has been a tough couple of days.  Jeff has been "somewhat" confused.  But if you ask him he is fine.  His one request was to go to the accountant one more time to go over things.  I didn't want to do it.  I want to preserve his dignity.  I want people to only see the strong Jeff.  So do you think he took my advice? Absolutely not.  At least he's consistent. 
So we went to the accountant and he was fine.  He had more energy and clarity today than he's had in a week.  Wonderful!  He did slightly fall asleep twice but woke right up when I talked louder. And I don't even think our accountant noticed.  He's out now checking milo and letting Gracie drive.  I got home and promptly went to bed.  I'm done for the day and possibly two. Maybe hiding will help.
We are still surrounded by many that love us.  It is hard to find comfort now.  Because it is just so hard.  It is hard in a million different ways than I imagined.  We are still striving to do our best and make Jeff our priority.
What do we need?  That question is asked of us everyday and there is not an answer.  We need peace that is not always obtainable.  We need reasurrance that is not guaranteed.  In the midst of all this suffering we do love one another.  We are holding tight to God and our inner circle of family and friends.  This is an intimate time and it's hard to let people in that mean well but we don't already have a close bond with us.  We have plenty of food.  Plenty.  And we're just not that hungry. 
So tonight I'm asking for the same things.  Prayers for peace.  Prayers for my kids - that they will always remember their Daddy and ultimately be okay.  Prayers that the dark side of depression can't hold us down and that we always feel life pulling us forward.  And our one constant prayer is for Jeff.  He has been the best faithful servant that he can be.  He's not perfect but he's completely who God made him to be.  Determined and relentless, faithful and loyal.  He doesn't want to die but he's brave enough to face it.  Please pray that his pain remains controlled and  his last days or weeks or months are filled with love and friends and family and joy and laughter and contentment and always peace.  And of course please let him always feel that God is near.  Isn't that what we all stive for?

Leta

Memories

I got out all of our pictures today.  I'm not organized or crafty.  They aren't in a cute scrapbook.  They are in sacks and bags that are here and there.  But today I gathered them all up and Jeff and I looked through thousands of them.  I don't know why I hadn't done it earlier.  It was so much fun going down memory lane.  We laughed and smiled and cried and remembered all those precious memories.  It made the reality of a happy life more real.  We relived so many things.  Pictures of us before we were married, birth pics, birthdays, Christmas, Halloween costumes and 4th of July, lost teeth and first days of school.  There was a picture of every dog and horse we've owned for the last 19 years and all the cars and pick ups we've driven. Pictures of vacations and stock shows and playing at the creek. Pictures of bad haircuts and outdated outfits and bad angles. There were lots of pictures of us eating. Huh!  There were grandmothers and great grandmothers.  Cousins, aunt, uncles and friends. Lots of naked baby pictures!!!  Jeff proclaimed "our children" as his best work.  I agree. 

Jeff is very weak.  He didn't get out of bed until noon today.  He's never slept later than 7 o'clock his entire lfie.  In the last couple of days he has taken an obvious decline.  I don't know what to say or think.  We are trying to keep him happy and comfortable.  We'll see what the hospice nurse says on Tuesday when she comes over. 

To end on a happy note.  He is in bed with a calculator figuring his cattle and feed inventory report right now.  He has his list of things to do tomorrow and one of them includes me driving him to Hart to check corn and sprinklers. I'm sure he would want you all to know he is never giving up!  He's going to live and be Jeff Smith for as long as he can.

Leta

Dog Days

I think we have hit the dog days of summer.  Isn't that the expression?  It's still very hot and we have all become very bored with all that heat. Day after day.  Although we did get a little shower this morning.  But no relief.  I think we will have to wait for fall.

Things are changing and the school calendar is pulling us out of our summer.  I thought this summer would be restful for me since we didn't have a routine.  But I'm not rested so I just want to move on to the next thing.  I'm kind of glad to be starting a busy routine.

Luke has started football practice.  It was exactly this time last year that we found out Jeff's cancer had spread and he started the brutal chemo.  This last year has lasted ten years.  I didn't know a year could hold so many things.  A year ago we had so much hope that the chemo would work or at least slow down his disease.  We knew nothing of ports, pain medication, thrush, nerve damage, blood counts, blood transfusions or trial treatments. We had never thought about hospice or moving or closing down our business. This journey has spanned over 2 1/2 years but the last year has marked us for sure.  I never dreamed I would carry this kind of saddness.  I don't remember what I thought this would feel like.  I guess I never imagined being here.  I tried to make the glass stay half full for as long as I could.

Jeff is still doing okay.  His feed yard is almost empty and it's hard for him to look at that. He had enough energy to go to Oklahoma and check cattle. He misses all the action and he especially misses all the "deals". He used to always have something going.  It was all about "the deal". Whether he was trading cattle or land or equipment, he liked to have something in the works.  He misses that a lot. He wakes up and feels good every morning.  He's usually  tired and fatigued by noon and takes it easy the rest of the day.  His pain is still being managed.  We really like our hospice nurse.  He is glad to still be here and he still smiles about something everyday.  He still has happiness.  And we still have him!   

Leta

Breathe in, breathe out

Tomorrow is Jake's 10th birthday.  Jeff never grew up celebrating birthdays but tomorrow means a lot to him.  His baby is just a little bit older.  He wishes he could be around to see his children get a little bit older.  I've said it before, that it's what hurts the most.  But we are trying our best to be happy and celebrate all these moments that we have together as a family.
Today was a long, hot day.  Why does this summer have to be so brutal in so many ways?  Luke and Jeff worked on a plow most of the day in the heat.  Jeff is worn out again.  I want him to rest more ..... because..... I just think he should.  And he never wants to rest. 
I read a beautiful article today that has been in my heart all day.  It said to breathe in love and spirit and breath out sorrow.  Yes. 
I'm going to try that.

Leta

Peace

Peace is a very thick subject.  Sometimes it's unobtainable and sometimes it flows so easily.  It's what Jeff and I struggle with a lot.  Mostly Jeff because he has so much more to accept.  I think it is something very important right now and I encourage him every day to have peace.
 Jeff worked hard today.  He shipped cattle today and I went out to check on the process and found Jeff on his favorite paint horse, riding straight and tall in his saddle.   He was in a pen cutting off cattle to be sold.  Cutting cattle on his favorite horse! Oh thank you God for that wonderful morning!  Luke was with him and our excellent cowboy, Sam. But you could tell Jeff was the man in charge.  I sat in the car and cried like a baby.  Luckily I took a picture and will have it forever - Jeff was riding up to the car and giving me a thumbs up.  That's my guy. He's tough and  he's still in the game.  He's still living and trying to enjoy the things that mean the most to him and I'm so glad he had a good day. 
You know what he said to me tonight?  He asked if I still believed in miracles and if I thought he would really be okay. Oh babe, it's my wish.  It's my wish for my true love to be beside me through out my life. And yes I believe in miracles.  But we also understand reality.
So after a very physical day Jeff is exhausted to the core.  We talked and he struggled just to stay awake at 6 o'clock tonight.  His emotions were very raw and we talked about peace again.  We talked about all of our blessings.  My cousin John taught me a lesson a few years ago that I share whenever I can.  Whenever you receive love and grace in your life, it is a ripple effect from all the love and grace you have put out into the world. I love that and hold on to it often.  It helps me accept all the grace.  I reminded Jeff of that.  We are receiving so much love it is indescribable.  I told Jeff that his life has been important.  He has been full of goodness and love to so many people that we are feeling all that love mirrored back to us today.  That calms us and lets us lean closer to peace.  We are leaning.  It's hard.  It's hard to want to live but accept death.  It's hard to die when you're young and strong and in your prime.  It's hard to die when you have a family and children.  It is so hard every damn day. It breaks my heart it is so hard. If there were an easy way out of this deal we would take it. We would opt out of this agony. But it doesn't have to be easy and we don't have to like it -  it is just how life works.  But I do think, I know, as Jeff approaches the end of his life he needs as much peace as possibly.  Peace that he has loved.  Peace that he has succeeded.  Peace that he has helped others.  Peace that we all are born and we all will die.  It is our constant prayer.
Please pray for my tough cowboy tonight.  He's tough but very vulnerable to all of his feelings.  Please pray that peace centers his soul as he takes this journey.  And please remember to always put all your peace and love and kindness out into the world.  It will always flow back.  Get ready today for all the grace you too will receive.  It will put you on your knees!

Love,
Leta

Away for a day

The kids and I hover around Jeff most of the time.  One of us is with him at all times.  This is something that has never been verbally planned but it's a silent code that we all understand.  Jeff is ours and we are very protective.  And we don't want him to be alone.  So......  The kids and I left him yesterday and we are all fine today.  It was very hard for us but I think it was actually a good thing.  The kids and I went to a lamb jackpot show in Lubbock.  We debated for days and finally dove in and did it.  And Jeff was fine without us.  Luckily he's got super friends that came by so he wasn't alone.  It was good for all of us.  We needed it more than I realized.  The kids and I needed a day like that.  We had to work hard and work together.  It was hotter than the surface of hell but we did it.  We came home exhausted but the kids couldn't stop talking as they told Jeff all about our day.  We needed that distraction.  I'm glad we did it.  The kids didn't do well during the first show but rallied in the second show and did okay. 
The kids are still asleep this morning but Jeff is out and about feeding cattle.  Since my list of things to do is bigger than I am - I've decided to get on the computer and sip coffee.  There's so much less stress doing that.

Leta

Days

The days are just passing by.  Some fast, some slower.  Jeff is doing better and worse.  Hospice is doing an excellent job of managing his pain.  But we are seeing him decline.  He is weaker and sleeping more.  But still up and about a little every day.  He shipped cattle on Monday and rode his horse.  But I can't see many more days of that in the future.  He also got banged and bruised by a steer in our pens.  Yikes!  But I've noticed he is slightly proud when he tells the story.  It's just a simple reminder of the tough guy he used to be.

His quick zaps of radiation were Monday and Tuesday.  I hope they do the trick and stop some of the nose bleeds.  His nose is still bleeding but is much better.  Our friends, Kevin and Cara met us in the waiting room on Monday and sat with us.  And my cousin, Sus was there both days.  It was so comforting to be surrounded and not alone.  Thanks sweet friends!!

So we are just here.  Trying to keep it together, be true to it all and stay Jeff and Leta.  It's hard.  There is a distinct transition from partner and spouse to care giver.  It's nothing we want to do but we're thankful we have the strength to do it anyway.

Leta

It's still hard

The hospice nurse came out yesterday and she was so nice.  She put us right at ease and  took charge.  We loved that!  Jeff is taking specific medication for bone pain and nerve pain now and as of today they are working.  He feels much better and has eaten more today.  He went out and rode pens with both his boys today and feels like he can ride with Gracie in the morning.  What a blessing!

I went to a delightful baby shower today and had such a good time.  I laughed and remembered and had a fabulous afternoon. Sydnee Schacher is already blessed and she isn't even born yet!

I am thankful tonight for friends and memories of my babies.  I am thankful for getting to be a witness to pure joy.  I am thankful that Jeff's pain is being better managed and he is getting some relief.  We are always overwhelmed by all the grace, but humbly excepting it the best we can. 

Carrying on,
Leta

Radiation

We went to see the radiation dr yesterday.  He and his nurse were very nice and answered all of our questions.  At this point Jeff has decided to go ahead with two quick zaps of radiation.  They said it will greatly reduce the risk of his nose bleeding more. (Quality of life) And they said he shouldn't have too many side effects.  So okay.  For today that's our story and we're sticking to it. We went back today and they scanned the area and molded a mask for him. His two radiation treatments will be Monday and Tuesday and then he's done.  It sounds easy and I hope it is. Jeff is still having a little bleeding from his nose but very little.  However..... he is still extremely sore from the procedure.  When they blocked off the blood flow to the tumors they basically killed off some areas of tissue.  This is not permanent so it should start to feel better.  But for now he is in more pain than ever.  He has not been able to eat because the roof of his mouth is a giant ulcer.  He has lost almost 10 lbs in a week.  It's been very hard on him.  Dr Patel increased his pain medication for the second time this week. I hope he feels the relief from that soon.
It's been a hard day.  It's hard for Jeff to ride all the way to Amarillo and it's hard for me to put up with him in the car complaining about my driving and constantly wanting to stop and look at farm equipment. He is always wondering why I don't see the thrill in it.  It ain't cute shoes Jeff Smith! It's not my area. 
The radiation dr is at a cancer center in Amarillo and it is not a great facility.  I was very surprised to see what Amarillo has to offer.  It wasn't great.  It reassured us that MD Anderson was the best choice for Jeff and I'm so glad he received his treatment there. I'm glad he only has two treatments at the Amarillo place and then we will never be back to another dr.
Hospice called today and they are coming out tomorrow to meet with us. It's time.  It's past time.  As much as that statement breaks my heart, I know that it is the right thing for Jeff.  I have continued to receive criticism on our decision but we are standing firm on our choice.  No one really knows but us. And goodness!!! I hope you people out there never have to be in this situation. It's not something we want to do but it's something we have to and need to do.  It's because I love him so much.  I can't let him suffer at all.  Don't you see?? He deserves my best and I really don't know what to do at this point so I'm letting someone else be in charge. And I'll just follow their lead.  I know that no one can love him like I do but I hope someone can care for him  and meet his needs now - better than me.
Thanks for all the love and support. Agony doesn't even begin to describe this.  You are our soothing balm  and you ARE easing our pain. Please pray for Jeff and his continued peace and pain control.  Please pray for our children who are witnessing all of this and will forever be changed.  None of us are deserving of this.  No one is.  But it is. Not our punishment but simply our life, and what we've been given - the good and the bad.  Although we are sometimes mad and sad and questioning, we are not bitter. There is more peace and wisdom all the time. We are still looking for goodness in ourselves and everyone around us. We do believe in God and love and peace and sanctuary.   We are hanging on. Because of it all.

Leta

Relief!

Jeff got up at 4:30 this morning to go ship cattle.  He didn't ride a horse, he didn't drive a truck BUT he was out there.  His fatigue is obvious now but he continues to keep on going.  We made it to his appointment in Amarillo to get the packing removed from his nose (it's been in there 6 days - gag).  It was slightly painful to have it taken out because it appeared to be stuffed up into his brain.  But they got it and he feels SOOOO much better.  The procedure must have worked because there is not much bleeding.  There is some but nothing like before.  By the time we left the dr's office Jeff said he was done.  No more dr's and no more appointments.  The simple procedure took too much out of him.  But by this afternoon he told me to call the dr and make an appointment to see about getting radiation.  That's how it is these days.  Lots of highs and lows.  He ebbs through the day on lots of pain medicine.  So we will see about the radiation.  I honestly don't know if he is strong enough to do it.  If it has an debilitating side effects I know he won't do it.  They made it sound like a quick zap - but we'll see what it really is.  Jeff had major radiation 2 years ago at MD Anderson and it left him with some permanant damage and pain.  We can't really imagine what this quick zap will be. I guess we will meet with the doctor and see what he has to say.  I just want Jeff to have a quality of life for as long as he can.  It's hard to make these kind of decisions.  We're just taking it slow.

I've received so many questions about Jeff going into hospice.  I know it's hard to believe.  It is for us too.  Yes, our dr has said that it seems to be the time to start that.  Once we finish these treatments we will be  seeking hospice care.  They are the pain management specialists and they will know the best way to care for Jeff.  Especially when it gets to a point when I can't.  We don't look at it as something bad.  We look at it as help and care and professionals who do this best.  I am grossly unprepared to know anything about helping my husband die.  So hospice is a welcomed choice for us.  Please support us on our choice.  But if you don't agree please don't tell me about it.  Seriously.  I don't want to hear it. Which of course means I've already heard it. And I can't use my energy listening to you disagree with me. It's not your choice.  Hospice doesn't mean I want Jeff to die faster.  It means I want Jeff to live longer and more comfortably and with all his dignity intact. Full of grace and love for his family and friends and surrounded by the people that love him best.  Full of peace and acceptance and the love of his Lord. That's his wish.

Leta

The Next Morning

We made it home last night and held our babies!  Ahhhhh!  Jeff is very sore this morning but the bleeding seems to have stopped/slowed down.  He's not walking around holding a towel under his nose!  And I could tell by the way he was breathing in his sleep that it's better.  I think once he gets the packing out of his nose on Monday he will be a new man. I'm thinking of all the ways I can show Dr. Guttenplan our gratitude!

Today is starting out to be a normal day.  Laundry, dishes, grocery store - you know the drill.  I love the mundane tasks that keep me occupied and distracted.  Jeff is resting and is staying still like the dr told him to. We are still a little shaky but okay.  The kids took this a lot harder than I thought they would.  I think it's becoming more physically obvious that Jeff is very sick.  Denial works best when you can't see any cancer!  I shared my trick with Jake.  When I get very sad and overwhelmed I sit down and write my love lists.  I think of all the things that are blessings and that I love the most.  Jake liked that idea and we talked about his love list for a long time.  We are adjusting everyday.  We are having to do things differently and change the way we think about certain things.  We are doing our best.  I've switched to water proof mascara.  That seems to be working better too.

Love,
Leta

The Procedure

Today has been a crazy day.  We went to Dr. Guttenplan's thinking he was only going to removing the packing in Jeff's nose.  We had no idea!  Since Jeff's nose was still bleeding he didn't want to remove the packing.  So we moved on to Plan B.  He got on the phone and found a radiologist to do "the procedure". Thank you Dr. Guttenplan for taking charge!!!
We ended up back in the hospital, a place we swore we'd never be again.  But here we are.  They ran a catheter up through Jeff's femoral artery up to the blood flow in his face.  Crazy!  They injected dye to see the blow flow that was feeding his tumor.  Once they found it they cut off the blood flow to the tumor.  So it should stop the bleeding.  He said it appeared to have worked!  Yippee!  They also want to do a little radiation next week to the tumor - just a zap or two to show it who's boss.  That should also shrink it a little and cut off any other bleeding.  We are still in the hospital until 10 or 11 tonight.  Jeff has to lay perfectly still on his back to make sure his femoral artery has completely clotted.  We are feeling some relief.  I hope this procedure will give Jeff some relief and a better quality of life.  The fix isn't permanent but should last a couple of weeks or more.  Melanoma is smart enough to find a different blood supply.  But we'll take the time we have. 
We didn't even talk about hospice today.  Because once you are under hospice care they manage your care and your pain but not "procedures".  So as long as he is still seeking any treatment we will stick with Dr. Patel and Dr. Guttenplan.  That's the plan for now.  Who knows what tomorrow or next week will bring.
Thanks for all the prayers and messages.  We are feeling the love!  A special thanks to my Mom and sisters, Sally and Katie.  Thanks for sitting with me and cleaning out my purse.  Jeff loves to be surrounded by women!

Love,
Leta

Hospice

Jeff has had a rough couple of days.  Starting last weekend his nose bleeds got a lot worse.  Worse in that it bleeds constantly even when he's resting and even when he's asleep. We decided to go back and see Dr. Guttenplan (he's an ENT) to see if there was anything he could do to stop the bleeding.  He was very kind and took a lot of time with us.  When he looked in Jeff's nose he told us that all the bleeding is coming from new, growing tumor.  It was everywhere.  He packed Jeff's nose and we go back tomorrow to have the packing removed.  It was supposed to stop the bleeding but it has continued bleeding through the packing which we know is not a good thing.  After we saw Dr. G, I went by Dr. Patels to get a new prescription for Jeff's pain.  He is having to increase his dose every 2-3 weeks.  Dr. Patel brought me back and told me Dr G had called and given him the report about Jeff's nose and the growing tumors.  That in combination with the pain, he said it was time to get Jeff into hospice care.  Those were such hard words to let enter my ears because they couldn't be filtered and went straight to my heart.  We knew this was coming and I've been trying to brace myself for it, but it was a physical and emotional reaction that I could not control.  I don't want Jeff to die.  I'm not ready to let him go. I love him.  This is going too fast.  Jeff is pretty calm.  He told me a couple of days ago that he didn't think he would live a lot longer.  Funny how we can say things out loud to each other like that.  But he was very matter of fact and just wanted me to know.  I'm having trouble staying calm.  I like to be distracted but I cry about 100 times a day. If I didn't have 3 kids and a sick husband to take care of, I think I would go ahead and let myself be hysterical.  I'm walking on the edge.

So I wanted to let everyone know this because we make the hospice decision tomorrow morning.  Please hold us close in your prayers as we make this decision for Jeff.  We're not feeling very brave right now.  Things are a little scary and unknown.  We are going to have to trust a new bunch of people to take care of Jeff and do what's best for him.

We are praying for peace and acceptance.  When we get really scared or mad or sad we repeat our mantras: We are blessed, everything important in life we have been blessed with.  We are surrounded by people that love us.  Cancer can kill you but can't get into your spirit.  We love each other and our kids and our God.  Those things will never change. Those things will NEVER change.

I'll let you know what happens tomorrow.

Leta

Waiting game

Dr Patel's office called yesterday to tell us we don't have an appointment in Dallas - yet.  They will not be able to see Jeff until they are actively enrolling for the trial.  No pre visits, no checking him out, no foot in the door or first on the list.  They will call us when they start enrolling for the trial. They said to expect a call in a couple of months and "No" they don't have an exact date.  Okay.

Jeff took the news great.  I was a little disappointed.  But like Jeff said, "I've really got to get this milo in the ground while we've got a little moisture."  He's got his priorities straight and he's doing what he wants to do.  So that's where we are. 

The weatherman says it will be in the 100's for the next week or more.  I can't think of anything worse.  I'm still painting at our new house. 4th of July is right around the corner and that means: cousins!, parades, the two story water slide bounce house, fireworks, lots of food and laughing till it hurts.  The kids should be getting their show lambs in a day or two and we have decided to set up the above ground (white trash) pool in our yard.  Summertime is here!

Leta

Big D

We met with Dr Patel today and he gave us the info about the trial.  He didn't know a lot but he has connections in Dallas.  He contacted the dr in Dallas that handles all his bone marrow transplant patients.  Come to find out the dr also does lots of research in melanoma.  He was immediately interested in Jeff - a man who is walking around and WORKING 8 hours a day with metastisized melanoma.  This dr also has connections because he will be taking part in the PD1 trial in Dallas.  So Dr Patel wants us to go to Dallas and meet this dr and find out more about PD1.  The one part of bad news is the trial doesn't start for another month or two.  But Jeff and I can commit to a quick trip to Dallas to meet a dr.  We can do that.  We have cousins and friends in Dallas and that immediately makes it less scary! Dr Patel also said it was important because so many people will be trying to get into the trial.  We want to be first in line.  That is if Jeff decides to.  We still don't know much info about PD1 and since it's a trial they won't have "statistics".  But........
We'll see.  If this is meant to be we will know it.  If Jeff doesn't want to do this then he doesn't have to.  He told me this morning he's had the best two months of his life - living in the moment, working, being with his family, loving and appreciating everything.  We really are pretty calm.  We truly believe all of this is already written.  All we have to do is have faith and make the best choices we can and stay on the path.  The big things are out of our hands.

Leta

New Trial

A couple of weeks ago there were some news stories about a trial cancer medicine that had some great results.  The trial was done at Johns Hopkins and it included people with metastatic melanoma.  It is called PD1.  We googled it and read the brief info there was.  I got online and checked out Johns Hopkins and come to find out they are just like MD Anderson in that you CAN'T just call them.  In fact they don't answer questions on the phone.  You have to make an appointment to see a doctor.  So we asked Dr. Patel to check into it for us.  He called around and his nurse called yesterday and said there is a PD1 trial in Dallas that we MIGHT be able to get into.  So many factors to consider.  I'm letting you all know because we are praying for clear answers about this. Is this a good decision for Jeff?  Does he want to try something else?  We have hope because the results have been promising and the trial is closer to us in Dallas.  We don't even know if Jeff's blood counts are high enough to do it.  But it's nice to feel hopeful and it's nice to have one more option.  This medicine is not a cure but it is something that could possibly give him more time- if he responds to it. So please help us pray for clarity as we learn information and make decisions.

My friend Libby and her son, Vaughn came to visit me this weekend.  Libby and I have been friends since kindergarten.  We had a wonderful time remembering so many things and staring at our kids and wondering how that happened.  Thinking back on our barbie bike, swimming pool, Charlie's Angels kind of days we realized we had no idea how our lives would turn out.  And the way they turned out were made  up of things we could never have imagined.  But........ looking at our beautiful, happy, smart (ok probably ordinary) kids I think we are overwhelmingly blessed.  It was good!  Jeff and I say it every day - we have the best people standing strong and tall around us.

Jeff has been in better spirits the last couple of days.  He said yesterday, "My life has gone by quick, faster than I thought but more wonderful than I ever imagined."  It is such a blessing to hear him say those words because I know that he has more peace.  So thankful!

So thankful indeed,
Leta

The Spirit

Explaining death to my kids is a mighty subject to present.  Jeff and I want to be honest about it all but we also hate to cause our children any suffering.  We don't want them to carry this load.  But it is inevitable.  So we try to talk about it often but in small doses.  We try to remain calm and not get too emotional.  I don't know if we're doing it right or not but we are confident WE are doing it the right way for our family.  We have also found that keeping it simple helps us understand better too.

Here's the way we see it.

Death is just as natural a part of life as birth.  It happens to everyone.  Cancer is a horrible disease that can destroy a body.  But the reason we are confident and know that there is a God and that we DO go to heaven is because cancer can never destroy your spirit. Isn't that cool? Our bodies are not who we are. (Our outer crunchy shell) The part that makes us alive and who we are is our spirit. The good stuff is always on the inside. That is the part of us that is always with God - on earth and in Heaven.  And it will always be safe.  When our bodies on earth are finished they will cease to function.  But our spirits will always carry on.  They are the part of us that goes to Heaven.  That's as far as we've gotten.  We take it as it happens.

Jeff is weaker.  He is still out and about but he needs to rest more.  And now when he does too much his fatigue is overwhelming and out of his control. We have upped his pain meds and we have a dr's appointment tomorrow and I feel he will need to increase his dose even more.  The nose bleed issue continues.  Our house could be a crime scene!  We had cattle out last week and Jeff found them miles away close to a neighbor's that we don't know.  I was driving behind Jeff and watched him stop and ask the neighbor if she had seen our cattle.  He had blood all over his face and shirt.  I saw her horrified face.  Jeff said she asked him if he was okay.  I'm sure she thought he'd been in some sort of accident.  Sorry neighbor! 

Our move has been put on hold.  Jeff wants to be at home.  The place where he grew up and rasied his kids and grew his business.  He needs to be here.  Ok, babe. 

We are still holding on.  Peace and acceptance and calm are our goals.  Somedays we are close to those things.

Leta

Irreconcilable Differences

I've posted before about the job of caregiver.  I take my role very seriously but in the same breathe I must tell you it is the toughest job I have ever done.  But here is a break in the story.  A glimmer of hope and humor!

Jeff is still continuing to work more than he should - just as he's done his entire life.  And amid all the work and stress and cancer he still has nights when he can't sleep.  Insomnia has had a hold of him his entire life.  Dirty rotten whore!  And did I mention that I'm a big sleeper?  Gotta have it!  At least 8 hours.  We've been mismatched from the beginning! 

So Tuesday night I was asleep and Jeff was not.  He usually just gets up and roams or watches TV.  This particular night he decided to do some business and was busy at his desk.  That was all normal and good untill....... he woke me up at 2 am to ask where our deposit book was.  Repeat.  HE TURNED ON THE LIGHT AND WOKE ME UP AND ASKED ME WHERE THE DEPOSIT BOOK WAS AT 2 AM!.

Luckily I was in a deep sleep and was unable to speak and was able to go right back to sleep.  However, the next day we did discuss it.  He had no idea that I would be upset or bothered by his act of selfishness.  Lucky for him I explained it in a way he could TOTALLY understand. 

I spy

Jeff and his boys were moving cattle across the road.  It was just a handful of cattle so they were only using the pick up and the four wheeler.  Guess who was driving the four wheeler!  They called me to block the road so I had a good view of Jeff Smith as he caught air jumping the ditch and fish tailed onto the caliche road.  At first I was worried until I looked at his face as he sped down the road.  He was wearing a GIANT smile!  Woo hoo for still being a boy and loving a little danger on a Monday morning! 

Summer

School is out and that means a new season for the Smith's. It is officially summer to us.  Two months ago we didn't know if Jeff would see this day but he is still pushing on and living life everyday.  In fact, he is outside right now riding pens with Luke.  Yes, he is still on a horse.  He amazes me everyday.  But being outside, right in the middle of everything is where he wants to be. Everyday we are reassured that we have chosen the best medicine for Jeff: a dose of work and sunshine, being with his family and counting his blessings. It seems to be working.  Jeff is somewhat weaker but not tremendously so.  He works in the morning and comes in to rest in the afternoon.  Usually he drives around later in the day to check things.  His pain is being managed and he still has things to smile and laugh about.  He got together for a mini high school reunion and was touched to the core by old friends and all the memories and stories that went with them. 
As hard as this is, he is thankful everyday.  He is continuing to stay calm and feel peace.  Although the fight for life is still in him!
We are now agreeing that he will be strong enough to move to our new house in a couple of weeks.  We have put off making that decision based on how he was feeling.  He has even caught some of our enthusiasm and is looking forward to our new place.  Please pray that we can get through that transition smoothly.  Please pray that it will quickly feel like "our home". I'm especially praying that our kids will have time to make some memories with their Daddy there.
We continue to feel the love and support from so many people in our lives.  We have surrounded ourselves with a mighty force.  However, there are a few people that continue to cause Jeff  much stress and anxiety.  These are people that Jeff cannot let go of.  Please pray for Jeff and those relationships.  It's his toughest thing right now.  He is such a good man and continues to always try to do the right thing by them.  I often fear they are taking away all his energy but I feel like my hands are tied.  I am helpless in my love and protection for him.
But I know this is something Jeff feels he must do and a weight he must carry.  I however, could snap at any moment and tell everyone EXACTLY how I feel.  I'm just trying to keep my mouth shut.  But really, what are the odds of that?
Our journey is continuing on.  We don't know what exactly is next on our path.  So glad to know that you are all walking with us!
 

The Beginning

The Christmas of 2009 was a great one!  We got a big blizzard on Christmas Eve.  I remember because it was such an ordeal.  Jeff was running a ton of cattle and a blizzard meant great moisture but also a lot of work.  It started early that morning when a neighbor called.  He couldn't get to work and asked if he could borrow Jeff's 4W Drive pick up to get to work.  It was new and I thought at the time it was an awful lot to ask.  But Jeff said yes.  That is Jeff!

Jeff wanted boxing gloves that year for him and Luke.  Luke and I had been doing kickboxing/karate for a couple of years and Jeff couldn't wait to spar with his son.   So of course that is what Santa brought.  A couple of days after Christmas the gloves were put to use.  In my mind sparring is all about "tagging" someone but immediately Jeff and Luke were going at it - smiling and laughing.  Luke was only 15 at the time but already passing his Daddy in size.  While they went at it I stood by and reminded them to take it easy and they were only sparring.  About that time Jeff popped Luke in the mouth - full of braces.  The shock quickly equaled a swift right hook to Jeff's nose.  Sparring Over!!!  The gloves were put away and Jeff walked away with a bloody nose and Luke a busted lip.  So much for trying to restrain all the testosterone!

A couple of days later Jeff complained of the "blood clot" still in his nose.  I looked and sure enough you could see something way up in his nose.  When it was still there a week later we called our local clinic for an appointment.  We both assumed it was a polyp but we never worried a second about it.  After all, we had been having a super cold winter and Jeff was outside all the time.  It made sense to us that the cold air had somehow affected his nose.

The first week in January we went to the Canyon Clinic and saw the dr.  He had no idea what was in Jeff's nose but agreed it might be a polyp.  He referred us to an ENT - Ear, Nose and Throat dr.  A couple of weeks later we saw Dr. Guttenplan who had taken out Luke's tonsils when he was 6.  He also agreed that it was probably a polyp and did a basic CT scan in his office to make sure it wasn't something bigger.  While I was waiting for Jeff to take the test it was my first sense of alarm.  What did he mean bigger?  Quickly the dr came out and said the scan was clear - only the polyp.  He asked if we wanted to try steroids to shrink it or procede with surgery to remove it.  Jeff even asked if he could just take it out in the office!  Febuary 2nd - during another snow storm Jeff had the polyp removed.  The surgery went well and the dr came out and told me it wasn't a polyp because it was a funny color.  He said he thought it was a hemangioma.  He said he would call with the pathology report in a couple of days.  I never thought anything about it.  We were never worried.  We completely forgot about it.

A couple of days later the dr called and I answered the phone.  He asked to speak to Jeff and I knew something was wrong.  Jeff was sleeping/resting from the surgery.  I gave him the phone and sat beside him on the bed.  I watched his face the entire time and tried to figure out the conversation.  His breathing increased  rapidly and I knew something was very wrong.  He hung up and said it was a melanoma tumor.  We were both scared to death and completely in shock.  But I remember telling him we would fix it.  We would find the best dr's and get the best treatment and we would fix it! Dr. Guttenplan referred us that day to MD Anderson, to his friend that he went to medical school with.  Within 2 weeks we were in Houston. That's how our journey began.

Living Each Day

We have been trying to live each day.  Very simple.  We like to keep it simple.  Jeff is doing okay.  In fact Dr. Patel said he looked great.  And I know he does feel "good" a little bit everyday.  Last week we shipped wheat pasture cattle.  This is such a big deal!  And Jeff was right in the middle of it.  And I'm so glad he was able to do that.  In fact, he rode his horse and penned pasture cattle 3 days last week.  Jeff doesn't think it was that big of a deal but it took a lot out of him physically.  I was surprised he decided to ride day 2 and 3 but he couldn't stand the thought of another cowboy out there doing his job.  And if that wasn't enough he also rode our feed yard pens twice this week.  Once with Luke and once with his brother.  He's doing the things he loves! (He does complain about how tired it makes him but I just drink a little wine and he doesn't bother me too much.)

So with all of that physical work he was exhausted.  He actually started the hiccup thing again. One of the worst ways to torture a human being.  Right up there with water boarding. Grrrr!  He had about 3 straight days and nights of hiccups before they were able to stop them.  Not a lot of sleeping or eating during that time.  A combination of thorazine and a muscle relaxant did the trick.  And now that they have stopped he has stopped the extra meds and seems fine. Crazy.

He had another check up with Dr. Patel yesterday.  We have officially decided to not seek anymore treatment.  We didn't spend a lot of time talking about it.  We both just knew.  So we told the dr yesterday and he agreed it was a good decision.  I've spent the last week on the computer researching mucosal melanoma and treatments, searching frantically for some new cure.  But it's the same old info.  Mucosal melanoma is so rare that there isn't much research that has been done to find a cure or treatment.  It is just lumped together with skin melanoma which isn't even really the same disease. There is no effective treatment at all.  Disheartening but at least it confirms that we have done everything we can.  There are some treatments for people that have a c-Kit tumor mutation.  But Jeff does not have the mutation and therefore would not be elgible to take those meds. We will not be going to Mexico, or taking herbs or going to a healer. Jeff actually tried some of that but nothing has worked.

So on our way home from the dr we both had a little break down. I would be honest in saying that I had a huge meltdown. We both experienced a lot more fury than saddness. Turns out it was very hard to "officially" make that decision and say those words out loud.  It kind of caught us off guard.  Jeff is afraid he will panic in a couple of weeks and wish he would have done some kind of treatment, because he still has such a strong will to live.  We are both a little anxious about people agreeing or disagreeing with us.  But the bottom line is that logically, there is nothing more to do.  He wants to be at home with his family and running his business and enjoying life.  Any treatment out there would take those things away from him and he's not willing to give them up.

Jeff had a blood test yesterday to check his blood counts.  His nose is still bleeding and at times it takes a while to stop.  Just checking.  I hope he doesn't have to have many more pokes or needles.  We got his pain meds increased and he is pretty comfortable. He has continued to see friends and has enjoyed spending time with people that he has loved throughout his life.  Lots of goodness!

Love,
Jeff and Leta

Swirling

These last two weeks have been ......... what is the word? There isn't an accurate word.  We have been sucked up in a tornado and it is stronger than we are.  We are just holding on.  Today is a good day.  Jeff's friend, Tracy is here from Austin.  They go way back.  I just heard them  - remembering when they spent the night on the trampoline in 2nd grade and got scared of coyotes.  They also share NUMEROUS football stories.  Tracy's Dad was their coach.  They just left to go outside and do boy/men things.  Happy.  Thanks, Tracy!

Jeff has also had some family come visit.  Uncles, cousins.  It has all lifted Jeff's spirits and made him feel so loved!  He asked me this morning, "Was I that good of a friend?"  Yep, babe! You were!!  He still is.  We are trying our best to make sure as much goodness comes out of this as possible.  We are paying it forward in every way that we know how.

He is actually feeling pretty good.  He is working everyday and is actually in high gear.  He is planning for the future.  We have been in meetings all week with our lawyer, accountant, bankers, repeat.  What a responsible guy!  But it's taken it's toll.  Goodness that's a lot of info.  There's so much for me to know.  He's trying to take care of as much of it as he can so I don't have to.  It's been very hard.  We have cried a million tears.  More letting go.

We have briefly talked to the nurse at San Antonio.  The only trials there are chemo medicines that would require us to be there full time.  Jeff's blood counts are up. But we haven't made a move in any treatment direction yet.  We talk about it everyday without ever deciding.  Jeff said it best.  "If I really wanted to be in another trial study I would have started last week."  By remaining undecided we are ultimately making the choice.  Maybe it's one of those things you just stop talking about and worrying about.  If we thought for a single second there was a chance in hell to cure his cancer we would do it. But the options they have are just disguises for real treatments that don't exist yet.  And besides, Jeff is too busy to be in the hospital right now.  He's got to make sure all his corn is planted and Jake's track meet is next week.  Oh and Luke is going to the prom.  And he's got to pick up a horse from the vet and move some cattle around.  There's always fence to build and so many things he needs to do with the kids.  He's been teaching Jake to drive (oh my).  We like to snuggle at night and make a plan for in the morning.  And what about all the friends that want to talk about football?  And drink a cold beer?  Hospitals and chemo just aren't a part of that equation.  Don't you see?  These things are so much more important.  Living just takes up a lot of our time right now.

Keeping on,
Jeff and Leta

"Live Like you are Dying"

Whoever started that phrase was not actually dying.  He was just some dumb ass who thought he was SOOO smart and insightful.  When you find out you're dying you are usually sick.  Now peace and acceptance do become a part of that but I don't think many people actually Live It Up!  However, I do appreciate that everyone is different and has the right to do it how they want to.  Jeff and I had this discussion yesterday. He doesn't have a bucket  list.  Yes, he would like to take his kids fishing one more time but other than that he has already done what he wanted to do.  He has loved his family, he is proud of his kids, he has built a successful business, he has laughed and cried and loved a couple of great horses.  He got to team rope and even built his own arena.  He's been on a couple of good vacations and drank a LOT of cold beer.  I could go on and on.  But I just wanted to share our "aha" moment in all of this.  Don't wait until it's too late to live the life you want to live.  Do it now.  Don't wait.  You won't have any regrets!  Life gets so messy but if your hands aren't dirty than you didn't do it right.

Jeff's appointment at Dr Patel's went ok yesterday.  No big news to share.  They did another blood test to see if his counts are up.  Dr Patel had talked to San Antonio and said there are a couple of new phase I trials that Jeff should be able to qualify for if his counts come up.  He recommends we try one more thing.  Oh good Lord!  We just looked at each other.  Where on earth will we get the strength to go back to San Antonio?  But you know I love that man and will take him if I need to.  We call them on Monday.  Plan B is a new medicine we could take in Amarillo called Yervoy.  It is an antibody therapy and triggers your immune system to go crazy.  Attacking everything - cancer,  and your own healthy body.  Side effects are horrific - much worse than in Interleuken that Jeff took during chemo.  What?????  There is a worse medicine than that?  Who is inventing these monster medicines and then letting the FDA approve them?  The success rate for "response" not "cure" is 5%.  That's right.  When it comes to the treatment of mucosal melanoma they have not even invented the wheel.  Is there a scientist out there that could please get right on that?

No decisions have been made yet.  We just like to talk about it all and curse the horrible treatment options and act insulted.  You know our other option.  The option that includes Jeff getting to still work some, hang out with his kids,sleep in his own bed, perhaps ride his horse, still drink beer and laugh with family and friends.  I don't think there's anything better.  We'll see what happens.  It's his choice and I've got his back.  Respectful till the end of his wishes.

Love,
Jeff and Leta

Good day

Today was a good day.  What a blessing!!  Jeff's friend from high school, Derek came by and hung out with Jeff all day.  Thank you Derek for being such a great friend for over 30 years.  Apparently they relived all their high school glory days of football.  I think it got pretty "thick". Don't you know the way they remember it might have little to do with how it really happened!  But Jeff came home with a smile on his face and a bounce to his step.  Happy.  That's what I'm talking about!

My sister, Katie came out and took care of me.  She helped me clean house and made me feel a little bit more alive - like only a sister can do.  This is all so hard and it helped today to get up and get something done.  I laughed for the first time in a while.  We talked smack on our husbands - about how much we love them in spite of how much they drive us nuts.  We also decided that all male children should learn to clean toliets at an early age.  And if we were rich we would just buy new toliets all the time! Unanimously we claimed that all boys are gross.  You know what I mean.

Thank you for all the texts and emails and phone calls.  We love you so much.  We are full and can't express our thankfulness. We are taking it day by day.  We have no plan.  Dr Patel has not called us back but we have an appointment on Thursday.  We still cry all the time but now we are starting to talk about other things too.  Our future, our memories, our blessings, our plans.  I am comforted to know that I am not in this alone.  And that goes doubly for Jeff.  Your love is our balm.  We are applying it liberally.

One last note.  Our fridge and freezer are full of food.  Unfortunately we are just not that hungry.  If my children's stomachs start to growl I will let you know.  I promise!!

Thank you,
Jeff and Leta

The news

The scan results showed that Jeff's cancer has continued to grow and spread.  The trial medicine did not help in the least.  This is the moment we have been bracing for.  Jeff doesn't have much longer.  Although I love it that God gets to ultimately make that call - not any doctor. But it is very sad news for us.  We were trying to hold on to the hope of more time through the trial.  But it was not to be.  So here's what we know.
Jeff feels good enough to work everyday. And he will continue to until he can't.
Jeff's pain is being managed.
His brain scan was clear which is very good news.  You just don't want cancer to get in your brain!
His counts are still low so we don't know if any other treatments will be available to him.  That is a choice only Jeff can make.  He wants to spend as much quality time as possible with his family and friends.  We will know more about other options this week.
If you love Jeff and want to spend some time with him - this is the time to do it.
Jeff isn't really into "good-byes".  But he would love to talk about all the good times!
If he borrowed something from you (a hammer, a plow?) you better come get it. Ha ha
Don't be afraid to see him.  It's still Jeff.  Scrappy, ornery, still loves a dirty joke.  He is loving life as long as he can.  No regrets!  Just counting his blessings daily, hourly, sometimes every minute.
Please pray for our kids, for Luke and Gracie and Jake.  Please take care of them when they are near you.  I am putting you all in charge.  I can't be with them every second although I wish I could.

Struggling,
Jeff and Leta

scans

Jeff's blood work showed that his platelets are up to 53.  That is good news.  But he is still not high enough to take his trial medicine.  His white count was the same at 1.7.  Dr Patel was concerned about this.  He said it is an indication that Jeff's bone marrow was damaged from all the chemo.  We knew it was tough stuff and we knew that this could happen.  We don't regret our decsion for Jeff to take the extreme chemo.  There's nothing we can do about it at this point.  But from here on out Jeff will probably not build back a lot of his white count or his immunity.  And that leads us to our next bit of news.  Dr Patel noticed a lymph node on Jeff's jaw.  He thought it looked a lot larger.  This lymph node has been there since December when Jeff had the horrible thrush infection.  It didn't show up on his last set of scans in January and we had not noticed that it was larger.  But like we told Dr Patel - we are in denial that anything is getting worse and we can't see things like that.  Human nature.  He agreed.  He was very honest and said that this is part of the cancer growing.  He ordered scans immediately to confirm.  Jeff will scan on Thursday and we should have results on Friday.  Everything in San Antonio is on hold until we know how fast Jeff's disease is progressing.  We don't need to waste time on the trial medicine if it is not working.
We had our cry together in the car on the way home. We knew this would happen, that the cancer would continue to grow but we are overwhelmed with the feeling that everything is moving too fast. We're okay today.  Jeff is at work.  It will be a busy week for shipping cattle and Jeff won't miss that no matter what.  I'm going to enjoy a sunny afternoon watching Gracie's district track meet.  Life is going on.  We are very sad.  But we are past the point of "why" and "what if" and all the other emotions we have rollar coastered through these last two years.  The horrible anxiety has eased somewhat and we know, we KNOW this is all out of our hands. We still don't like it but we are no longer wasting our precious energy on anything but goodness and kindness.  We are praying for peace and dignity and grace to keep going as long as we can.  Please don't ask how we are.  Please don't look at us with those sad, sympathetic faces.  Just stand beside us like you always have.  We don't want to cry, we are trying to stand tall.

Love,
Jeff and Leta

Happy Birthday, babe!

Today is Jeff's birthday.  He's 45.  We are actually celebrating all weekend.  Tomorrow is Gracie's 13th birthday on Easter Sunday.  Lots to celebrate and lots to be thankful for. I'm making Jeff  a german chocolate cake at his request.  There's always a lot of food involved in our family's celebrations.  It's just who we are!

Jeff and I talked at length this morning about all the things he is thankful for today.  Here they are.

- The love of his family and friends
- Peace of spirit
- Grace - we are just as undeserving as ever which makes it mean more
- Healthy children
- Being close enough to our kids to hold them and love them and let their love flow all over him
- Running his business in spite of cancer
- Loyal friends and employees

And Jeff is especially thankful today for his brother, Ron and their renewed bond.  Brothers.

Happy,
Jeff and Leta

Wearing a mask and it's not even Halloween

Jeff's blood counts have dropped even lower.  Dang it!  He is eating the right stuff and sleeping great but his platelets dropped to 36.  That's a long way to 75 where he needs to be.  In fact, he's not even moving in the right direction yet.  Dang it!  We have no control.  We just have to wait and retest on Monday.  Surely things will start to turn around by then.  Praying it will.
His white count also dropped to 1.7 which means he's neutropenic.  It means he's at risk of infection because he doesn't have enough cells to fight anything.  And....he has to wear a mask. Or at least he should.  He really shouldn't be in our feed yard - you can only imagine the what's in the air down there.  But he felt good enough to ride a horse this morning so he's out there right in the middle of it.  Yep, that's my guy.  He also has to stop eating fresh fruits and veggies because it's too risky.  That sounds like such a contridiction but a single strawberry with e-coli could be devastating to him. 
I'm going to go birthday shopping today.  Jeff's 45th birthday is on Saturday and Gracie will be 13 on Easter Sunday.  Lot's of celebrating for the Smith's this weekend.  I don't know if we will go to church on Easter with Jeff's low white count but who knows.  We might live on the edge and do it!

Still us,
Jeff and Leta

Taking a step forward

Today was bittersweet.  Happy and sad.  We closed on our new house.  It was a much tougher day than I could have anticipated.  You see, this city girl/turned country girl will be moving closer to town,  and closer to my family because my husband loves me so much.  I've said it before that the letting go is the hardest part.  Not living at the farm will not be an easy step for Jeff and our family.  It is our home.  Literally the only home my kids have ever known.  It's the place where Jeff grew up and where  his farm and cattle are located.  We will be leaving and he did it for me and the kids.  He loves us that much.  But it was a tough day.  We've always talked and dreamed and planned about our "forever house".  We wanted to raise the kids out here and then build or find a house someday.  Those plans were fast forwarded when we found out the chemo didn't work back in January.  Jeff knew the right thing would not be for his family to live way out in the country, on a dirt road, far from family.  Luke will be graduating from high school next year and I would be alone with Gracie and Jake.  Jeff couldn't imagine it.  So things all fell into place, we found a house we loved and we bought it.  It is still out in the country but much closer to town.  So we did it.  Most people probably celebrate but I've cried and cried and Jeff is already asleep on the couch - exhausted by the whole process.  You have to sign 5999832 documents these days in order to buy a house. Yikes!  Jeff's nose bled the entire time and he felt terrible.  But he did it.  He did it for me.  For those of you that know Jeff, he can be so hard.  He works all the time and can be relentless in his business and pursuit of doing his best.  But he also has a soft side.  He loves his family more than his business and he is making all his decisions for us.  So that we will be okay and taken care of.  And it is so hard for him.  The letting go. And I love him again and again for being that great man that puts his family first.  Today was a big step in that process.  The future holds many more of those steps.  I don't know how we're going to do it but I guess it will all happen.   I just want everyone to know what a wonderful man Jeff is.  He's not perfect.  But he's one of the best I know.  Sacrifice is never easy but we all do it.  It's a beautiful expression of love to one another. 
Jeff had his blood test today and we should get results tomorrow.  He's ready for his counts to rise so he can get back on the trial medicine. He is still relentless in his fight against cancer.  I couldn't imagine him dealing with it any other way.

Moving forward,
Jeff and Leta

A little better

It's seems like we have ridden out that last rough patch.  Whew!  Sometimes we just get so down and nothing is right.  But the last couple of days have been a little better.  A little.  Jeff had a great weekend with the kids.  They got to "help" their Dad a lot.  Fun for them all. 
Jeff has been consistently working every day.  He does have to take a break or two but he seems to be regaining his stride.  He is also sleeping better!!!  I honestly think that is what is making things better.  An adjustment in his pain meds has seemed to help. 
We are continuing to pray for:  increased blood counts and for his nose bleeds to STOP.  He's got a blood test on Monday so we hope that is good news.

Over and out,
Jeff and Leta

Holding steady

We got Jeff's platelet count back today and it was only down 6 to 47.  That is very good news!  It didn't drop dramatically like it did the week before.  We are so relieved!!!  But it  did drop below the magic number of 50.  So Jeff will not be able to take the medicine until his count is back up to 75. At least a week off.  Jeff does love a challenge!  I googled "How to increase your platelets" and it first says to get a transfusion.  Jeff is not low enough for that so I moved on to "How to increase your platelets through diet"  and bingo I got a list of things WE CAN DO!  There are a lot of foods they recommend and according to "them" Papaya leaf extract is the way to go along with a list of fruits and veggies and supplements.  So tomorrow I will be heading to the health food store. We love having something to do or try. 

Jeff was a little dismayed at my last post.  He said he feels like I am giving up and he hated that I wrote about it.  He doesn't want anyone to see our (my) weakness.  He is worried about my obvious sadness.  Yes, when it comes to a crisis we are very different.  Jeff wants to push forward and force his way through an issue.  I like to hide and cry. We are very different in many ways.  But I told him I get to handle this my way and would be happy to listen to his suggestions on how to suck it up and be tough but ultimately I have to be myself through all of this.  He loved that answer!  Insert sarcasm. We are still very much the same dynamic we have always been.  We love each other fiercely and drive each other crazy.  I'm still good with that.  And I know he is too.  No couple should ever have to do this.  Who wants to fight at this point?  But we do fuss at each other. Again I'm sharing information that makes him cringe.  But I can't hold back my honesty of what this journey really is.  I can't hide it. This is as real as it gets and I refuse to sugar coat it. Stress, lack of sleep,  effects of medicine and raising children and  the farm and money....... our list goes on and on.  We've called a truce because we love each other more than we want to get our points across.  I will love and care for him until, well, forever.   And he loves me and the kids more than anything else and he will continue to love us forever.  We shouldn't have to be in this place that was once our  happy and semi-perfect life - but we are.  Thank goodness we are here to stay. Together. We're all called home one day. Everyone of us. 
 A little good news today went a long way.  Thank you God!
We have one distinct prayer.  Please let Jeff's platelets get to 75 so he can continue this medicine.

A new blood test on Monday will let us know if we are on track.

Keep praying,
Jeff and Leta

Onward

Jeff's latest platelet level is 53. So he is still right on the edge of not being able to take his medicine.  I called San Antonio to see how we needed to proceed.  Wouldn't you know our doctor and nurse in charge are both out of town.  I spoke to a lovely lady named Tracy.  She said there were orders left that stated Jeff should take his regular dose of medicine if his count was above 50.  That contradicted info I was given early in the week that indicated a lower dose if his platelets were between 50 and 75.  Since the doctor and nurse were out of town she couldn't address my concern.  Which really upsets me because Jeff has a constant bloody nose.  His platelets dropped 40 last week.  If they do that this next week he would not be clotting very well - at all.  Like she said, "It's probably not safe to use a razor." The lady understood my hesitation but repeated for Jeff to take all his medicine.  Ok.  That sure makes me feel vulnerable and unheard.  Slightly like I could kill someone. I called Dr. Patel and he is out of town.  Good Lord!  His nurse is going to call me back.  I just feel like I need to tell someone that I'm worried Jeff could have some "bleeding to death" issues and that makes me more than a little nervous.  I did tell the receptionist that we WOULD be there first thing Monday morning for a blood test.  I ordered it!  I can't wait another 5 days to see if his counts drop more. Maybe I'm overreacting.  I know I do that sometimes. It's just that I'm so tired.  I'm so tired of all of this.  I'm not myself and I feel like I can't do anything right.  All I do is laundry and feed my family.  Anything else is extra and requires planning and energy.  Like I really need to clean out my purse but I just can't do it. Because Luke has a track meet and I only have enough energy to do one or the other. Does that make sense?  And possibly I won't be able to cook supper tonight after all of this.
So in perspective we are really okay.  Jeff is still able to take the trial medicine which is hopefully working.  Our battle rages on.  We are not in control.  We are doing our best.  We are surrounded by people that love us and take care of us everyday.  One way or another it will all be okay. 

Hanging on,
Jeff and Leta

A bump in the road

I've mentioned in previous posts that Jeff's blood counts have started dropping.  He had another blood test on Monday and they have dramatically dropped, especially his platelets.  We have been on the phone all morning with the dr's at San Antonio.  Here's what we know.  Platelet levels of 50-75 would mean Jeff would have to lower his dose of medicine but still continue.  A count of 50 or lower means that Jeff would not be able to take the medicine for at least 7 days and then only if his counts rebound.  His platelet count from Monday was 54 - right on the edge.  Of course Jeff wants to push forward and feels like he can will his body to produce more platelets.  Unfortunately science dictates this outcome and not Jeff's will.  He will have to have another blood test tomorrow before they will let him continue.  He is pissed.  You all know Jeff.  I just had to give him a big pep talk.  This fight is NOT over.  We have regrouped before and we will continue to do something even if he has to take a break from treatment.  I have to say I am slightly relieved.  Of course I want Jeff to continue treatment but this has been very tough on him.  He has experienced extreme fatigue which makes all his pain issues worse.  His insomnia has tortured him.  He even had a night last week when he slept zero!!!  I think his body needs a break.  And I know his mind does.  The other problem with low platelets is Jeff's bloody nose.  It was gone for a week but has come back with avengance.  If his platelets took another extreme drop he could have a serious problem.

So we are feeling a little low this morning.  Frustrated. Angry. Questioning everything. Does it have to be this hard? Why can't Jeff catch a break?  Is this medicine working?  Are we doing the right thing?
Goodness I need to stop that list. We are praying for higher blood counts so Jeff can continue in this trial.  We are praying the medicine is working.  I am praying that Jeff will sleep so that he won't lose his mind!! 

We should know results by Friday and that will determine treatment.  We'll keep you posted.  Thanks for being on our team.

Jeff and Leta