Radiation

We went to see the radiation dr yesterday.  He and his nurse were very nice and answered all of our questions.  At this point Jeff has decided to go ahead with two quick zaps of radiation.  They said it will greatly reduce the risk of his nose bleeding more. (Quality of life) And they said he shouldn't have too many side effects.  So okay.  For today that's our story and we're sticking to it. We went back today and they scanned the area and molded a mask for him. His two radiation treatments will be Monday and Tuesday and then he's done.  It sounds easy and I hope it is. Jeff is still having a little bleeding from his nose but very little.  However..... he is still extremely sore from the procedure.  When they blocked off the blood flow to the tumors they basically killed off some areas of tissue.  This is not permanent so it should start to feel better.  But for now he is in more pain than ever.  He has not been able to eat because the roof of his mouth is a giant ulcer.  He has lost almost 10 lbs in a week.  It's been very hard on him.  Dr Patel increased his pain medication for the second time this week. I hope he feels the relief from that soon.
It's been a hard day.  It's hard for Jeff to ride all the way to Amarillo and it's hard for me to put up with him in the car complaining about my driving and constantly wanting to stop and look at farm equipment. He is always wondering why I don't see the thrill in it.  It ain't cute shoes Jeff Smith! It's not my area. 
The radiation dr is at a cancer center in Amarillo and it is not a great facility.  I was very surprised to see what Amarillo has to offer.  It wasn't great.  It reassured us that MD Anderson was the best choice for Jeff and I'm so glad he received his treatment there. I'm glad he only has two treatments at the Amarillo place and then we will never be back to another dr.
Hospice called today and they are coming out tomorrow to meet with us. It's time.  It's past time.  As much as that statement breaks my heart, I know that it is the right thing for Jeff.  I have continued to receive criticism on our decision but we are standing firm on our choice.  No one really knows but us. And goodness!!! I hope you people out there never have to be in this situation. It's not something we want to do but it's something we have to and need to do.  It's because I love him so much.  I can't let him suffer at all.  Don't you see?? He deserves my best and I really don't know what to do at this point so I'm letting someone else be in charge. And I'll just follow their lead.  I know that no one can love him like I do but I hope someone can care for him  and meet his needs now - better than me.
Thanks for all the love and support. Agony doesn't even begin to describe this.  You are our soothing balm  and you ARE easing our pain. Please pray for Jeff and his continued peace and pain control.  Please pray for our children who are witnessing all of this and will forever be changed.  None of us are deserving of this.  No one is.  But it is. Not our punishment but simply our life, and what we've been given - the good and the bad.  Although we are sometimes mad and sad and questioning, we are not bitter. There is more peace and wisdom all the time. We are still looking for goodness in ourselves and everyone around us. We do believe in God and love and peace and sanctuary.   We are hanging on. Because of it all.

Leta