Hospice

Jeff has had a rough couple of days.  Starting last weekend his nose bleeds got a lot worse.  Worse in that it bleeds constantly even when he's resting and even when he's asleep. We decided to go back and see Dr. Guttenplan (he's an ENT) to see if there was anything he could do to stop the bleeding.  He was very kind and took a lot of time with us.  When he looked in Jeff's nose he told us that all the bleeding is coming from new, growing tumor.  It was everywhere.  He packed Jeff's nose and we go back tomorrow to have the packing removed.  It was supposed to stop the bleeding but it has continued bleeding through the packing which we know is not a good thing.  After we saw Dr. G, I went by Dr. Patels to get a new prescription for Jeff's pain.  He is having to increase his dose every 2-3 weeks.  Dr. Patel brought me back and told me Dr G had called and given him the report about Jeff's nose and the growing tumors.  That in combination with the pain, he said it was time to get Jeff into hospice care.  Those were such hard words to let enter my ears because they couldn't be filtered and went straight to my heart.  We knew this was coming and I've been trying to brace myself for it, but it was a physical and emotional reaction that I could not control.  I don't want Jeff to die.  I'm not ready to let him go. I love him.  This is going too fast.  Jeff is pretty calm.  He told me a couple of days ago that he didn't think he would live a lot longer.  Funny how we can say things out loud to each other like that.  But he was very matter of fact and just wanted me to know.  I'm having trouble staying calm.  I like to be distracted but I cry about 100 times a day. If I didn't have 3 kids and a sick husband to take care of, I think I would go ahead and let myself be hysterical.  I'm walking on the edge.

So I wanted to let everyone know this because we make the hospice decision tomorrow morning.  Please hold us close in your prayers as we make this decision for Jeff.  We're not feeling very brave right now.  Things are a little scary and unknown.  We are going to have to trust a new bunch of people to take care of Jeff and do what's best for him.

We are praying for peace and acceptance.  When we get really scared or mad or sad we repeat our mantras: We are blessed, everything important in life we have been blessed with.  We are surrounded by people that love us.  Cancer can kill you but can't get into your spirit.  We love each other and our kids and our God.  Those things will never change. Those things will NEVER change.

I'll let you know what happens tomorrow.

Leta