What we need

It has been a tough couple of days.  Jeff has been "somewhat" confused.  But if you ask him he is fine.  His one request was to go to the accountant one more time to go over things.  I didn't want to do it.  I want to preserve his dignity.  I want people to only see the strong Jeff.  So do you think he took my advice? Absolutely not.  At least he's consistent. 
So we went to the accountant and he was fine.  He had more energy and clarity today than he's had in a week.  Wonderful!  He did slightly fall asleep twice but woke right up when I talked louder. And I don't even think our accountant noticed.  He's out now checking milo and letting Gracie drive.  I got home and promptly went to bed.  I'm done for the day and possibly two. Maybe hiding will help.
We are still surrounded by many that love us.  It is hard to find comfort now.  Because it is just so hard.  It is hard in a million different ways than I imagined.  We are still striving to do our best and make Jeff our priority.
What do we need?  That question is asked of us everyday and there is not an answer.  We need peace that is not always obtainable.  We need reasurrance that is not guaranteed.  In the midst of all this suffering we do love one another.  We are holding tight to God and our inner circle of family and friends.  This is an intimate time and it's hard to let people in that mean well but we don't already have a close bond with us.  We have plenty of food.  Plenty.  And we're just not that hungry. 
So tonight I'm asking for the same things.  Prayers for peace.  Prayers for my kids - that they will always remember their Daddy and ultimately be okay.  Prayers that the dark side of depression can't hold us down and that we always feel life pulling us forward.  And our one constant prayer is for Jeff.  He has been the best faithful servant that he can be.  He's not perfect but he's completely who God made him to be.  Determined and relentless, faithful and loyal.  He doesn't want to die but he's brave enough to face it.  Please pray that his pain remains controlled and  his last days or weeks or months are filled with love and friends and family and joy and laughter and contentment and always peace.  And of course please let him always feel that God is near.  Isn't that what we all stive for?

Leta