Swirling

These last two weeks have been ......... what is the word? There isn't an accurate word.  We have been sucked up in a tornado and it is stronger than we are.  We are just holding on.  Today is a good day.  Jeff's friend, Tracy is here from Austin.  They go way back.  I just heard them  - remembering when they spent the night on the trampoline in 2nd grade and got scared of coyotes.  They also share NUMEROUS football stories.  Tracy's Dad was their coach.  They just left to go outside and do boy/men things.  Happy.  Thanks, Tracy!

Jeff has also had some family come visit.  Uncles, cousins.  It has all lifted Jeff's spirits and made him feel so loved!  He asked me this morning, "Was I that good of a friend?"  Yep, babe! You were!!  He still is.  We are trying our best to make sure as much goodness comes out of this as possible.  We are paying it forward in every way that we know how.

He is actually feeling pretty good.  He is working everyday and is actually in high gear.  He is planning for the future.  We have been in meetings all week with our lawyer, accountant, bankers, repeat.  What a responsible guy!  But it's taken it's toll.  Goodness that's a lot of info.  There's so much for me to know.  He's trying to take care of as much of it as he can so I don't have to.  It's been very hard.  We have cried a million tears.  More letting go.

We have briefly talked to the nurse at San Antonio.  The only trials there are chemo medicines that would require us to be there full time.  Jeff's blood counts are up. But we haven't made a move in any treatment direction yet.  We talk about it everyday without ever deciding.  Jeff said it best.  "If I really wanted to be in another trial study I would have started last week."  By remaining undecided we are ultimately making the choice.  Maybe it's one of those things you just stop talking about and worrying about.  If we thought for a single second there was a chance in hell to cure his cancer we would do it. But the options they have are just disguises for real treatments that don't exist yet.  And besides, Jeff is too busy to be in the hospital right now.  He's got to make sure all his corn is planted and Jake's track meet is next week.  Oh and Luke is going to the prom.  And he's got to pick up a horse from the vet and move some cattle around.  There's always fence to build and so many things he needs to do with the kids.  He's been teaching Jake to drive (oh my).  We like to snuggle at night and make a plan for in the morning.  And what about all the friends that want to talk about football?  And drink a cold beer?  Hospitals and chemo just aren't a part of that equation.  Don't you see?  These things are so much more important.  Living just takes up a lot of our time right now.

Keeping on,
Jeff and Leta