A Last Hoorah

Yesterday was beautiful and heartbreaking.  Jeff had a rough day.  More than anything he wanted to go to Luke's football game.  I didn't know if he would make it or not.  He is spending most of his time in bed now. He is still very weak and confused. But he was able to come for an hour and it was a spectacular night.  My Dad cooked hamburgers and we all tailgated.  "We" was all the sisters and brother and sister in law and brother in laws and nieces and nephews and grandparents and aunts and uncles,  and many, many friends.  Our safety net is in place!  The Happy Cowboys had an awesome game and we won in a big way.  Luke scored a touchdown while his Daddy was there.  He had a couple of great tackles and more importantly, cheered for his team and was a part of something great.  He was touched and blessed and was smart enough to realize it.  Plus he had his friends (beautiful girls) from church that came to the game with signs and spirit and cheered him on.  He felt all the love.  We all did.  Thank you all so much for giving us that special night.  Because Jeff is much worse today and I'm afraid that was the last football game he will be able to attend.

He is mostly sleeping.  He didn't get up until 4 this afternoon.  Then he went right back to bed.  He is so weak I have to help him walk, eat and bathe.  2 days ago he was doing all of that on his own.  I got a little scared today and my Mom and Dad came out and sat with us.  What would I do without them?  My sisters are coming out tomorrow.  I guess I've finally gotten to the point that I can't do it all by myself.  It's too much.  I called hospice and they said this is all normal and not to be alarmed.  As long as Jeff is comfortable and his pain is control he can stay at home.

My kids are ok.  Jake said today, "Our life is misery right now."  Yes I told him it was.  But we both decided it would not be like this forever.  We've all cried off and on all day.  It will be hard to let them go back to school next week.

I'm okay too.  I'm back on the wine, diet coke and candy diet.  (With occasional  solids)  I keep looking for comfort and it never seems to feel right.  It dawned on me today I'm looking for Jeff.  I need him to take care of me.  But I guess that's what he's always done.  I just need him to tell me one more time that it's all going to be alright.

I love him.  I'm right here with him.  Terrified to leave him.  He even told me today I was hovering.  It won't be long now and that is obvious to all of us.  He is comfortable and in his own bed.  Dreaming, resting and holding his family.  Jeff Smith is something special. I know you all know that.  Thank you for the love and support and prayers and everything.

Leta