From one week to the next

We are still here and still holding on.  I checked what I had posted last week and realized things have changed so much.  Last Friday Jeff went to a football game.  Today he is in bed.  He is sleeping now about 20 hours a day.  That is such a difference from last week.  He's not trying to do anything now.  His brother Ron comes by everyday and drives him around while I pick up the kids from school but that's all he can do.  I have to feed him and bathe him now. He is not really eating.  He doesn't swallow, he just chews the food and hides it in his cheeks.  I find it at night when I help him brush his teeth. Although today he ate a ripe tomato and watermelon.  The hospice nurse was here on Tuesday and will be back tomorrow.  She said this is all normal.  Normal?  What is normal now? I have no idea.

His close friends are coming by now.  Shocked.  How can this be Jeff?  It's been hard for me to watch these big, tough men realize that he is really and truly leaving us. Disbelief for us all. We all know that he used to be one of  those big, tough men.  Invincible.  He is dwindling down to nothing now.  How can that be?

He is not having pain.  Hospice is doing their job.  Right now he just is.  He's not Jeff anymore but we love him like he is.  Kisses and hugs and constant "I love you's".  He deserves it.  I love to whisper in his ear.  He stares away like he knows what I'm saying.  I tell him stories about how we fell in love and how we tried so hard.  How we had our babies and how we've loved so much.  How he's done it all.  How he's been successful. He's made us happy and taken care of us. Sometimes I think he understands.

Leta