Things are not the way I thought they would be. I thought Jeff would just get weaker and sleep more and more and more. What made me think that? I guess I was thinking that's how I would do it. Things are okay but difficult. Jeff is simple not himself and that is so much harder to deal with than anything I ever imagined. He wants to do everything he normally does but he simply can't. He is very, very sick. He's heavily medicated and out of it most of the time now. A couple of days ago he tried to move the tractor, plow and drills from one field to the next. I practically had to lay in the dirt and have a fit to get him to stop. I paid the ultimate price when I had to drive the wheat seed truck to the next field so he wouldn't do it himself. I don't remember that part of our wedding vows.
Everyday he is less himself. We are losing him a little bit everyday and I wasn't prepared for that. The kids are actually handling it much better than I am. It's simple for them. "He's not Daddy right now or He looks like he's awake but he's dreaming." That's a good way to describe it. He's out of it but sometimes totally there. He is still our Jeff even though the biggest part of him is already gone. This has all happened so quickly. He is weaker every day and more and more confused. Of course we all thought I would be the first one to lose their mind! He's been our rock for so long.
Today was the first day he didn't really leave the house much. His brother drove him around for less than an hour and that was all he could take. He truly thinks he's fine to do anything. Reality is quite different. It has been a full time job keeping him still. All he wants to do it go to work. He wants to check cattle and milo and of course plant wheat. He wants his pick up and his keys and he wants to GO. All of his team at hospice has decided he is much too weak and disoriented to do any of that. You know he loves that!
School has started and it's been a struggle. The kids are worn out and it's hard to keep us all going. 3 kids and 3 different schedules are tough. Jake got to school today right at 8:00 and the new principal told him he was a minute away from a tardy. Of course the new principal didn't know that Jake would worry and cry all afternoon about that. He didn't know that Jake has never been tardy in his life and got to school today after he ate breakfast, fed lambs and spent a little time with his Daddy. And it's all my fault because Gracie had to be at school at 7 for work out and Jeff wasn't able to get the boys up and I forgot to set an alarm for them. But it's just too much to call the new principal and tell him all of that. Plus I don't want him to think I'm nuts right away. Don't I get a grace period??? I tried to set two alarms on my phone and I don't think it does that.
Tomorrow is Luke's first football game. I don't know if Jeff will go or not. He sure wants to but I don't know if he can handle it or not. We'll see what happens. More tough decisions.
Please pray for my kids. They are wrung out. They know exactly what's going on and they are accepting it daily. (Much better than me) They love their Daddy so much and they are clinging to him. We remain loving and loyal to our guy. As hard as it is, we will do all of this for him, because of all that he has done for us. It is not a burden but an honor to care for him and love him "no matter what". I didn't understand that part either. But here we are. Doing our best and carrying on. Life is continuing and ending at the same time. God is with us and ultimately we are ok. Strong but crying. Happy but mourning. Weary but trying. We are making it through.
Love,
Leta
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