Facing a new year

Jeff's blood test results were great. All his counts were up. That is amazing and such a relief to not face a blood transfusion this week. Jeff had a great day yesterday and was able to be up and around a little. But by dinner he was ready for bed, completely exhausted. This morning he is still in bed and it's not starting out to be a good day. But that is how it usually goes. Two steps forward and one step back. It's tedious.

We are enjoying our last few days of Christmas break and looking forward to the new year. We have lots of cousins in town and we've gotten to play. Hoping to do more of that today.

Best wishes to all of our friends and family as 2012 approaches. We love you dearly!

Jeff and Leta

Are you talking to me?

I haven't posted on purpose during these immediate days of Christmas.  It was that bad.  I didn't want to be Debby Downer and squash anyone's holiday.  We got home on Christmas Eve and Jeff really shouldn't have been discharged.  He was the sickest he's ever been.  But because there was an unknown doctor on call and it was Christmas and there was a big snow - well, we just toughed it out. Plus I had reassurance from my brother-in-law who is a doctor, my brother who is a pharmacist and my Mom who is a nurse.  I won't scare you with all the gory details but the highlights were: 12 hours of hiccups and a raging case of thrush in his mouth and throat.  Plus all the normal holiday vomiting. Today he has turned a corner and I think he's going to make it.  We saw the doctor (not our real doctor) and he said everything was ok.  Jeff got two bags of IV fluid at the dr's office and was so tuckered out by the trip to Amarillo that he has already gone to bed.  Blood test results will be back tomorrow.  He might need blood.

Christmas was actually a success if you ask my children.  Jeff's brother, Ron came and stayed with Jeff on Christmas Eve so I could take the kids to church and to my family Christmas.  Thank you, Ron!!!!  I needed a break and my kids needed Christmas traditions uninterrupted by cancer.  The biggest challange is my parents' fault.  They totally ruined me with magical childhood Christmas's.  And as an adult I feel the overwhelming need to recreated that for my kids.  And it is exhausting.  So Christmas Eve I stayed up all night checking on Jeff, wrapping and creating an unexpected snow. (that was the big joke, that I got my kids snow for Christmas).  I was so blessed to have my Mom and Dad come over Christmas morning.  Because by then I would have been in tears to carry on by myself.  With their help we had a wonderful breakfast, enthusiasm and of course the Christmas spirit.  Thank you Mom and Daddy!!!  It all worked and my kids are blessed and happy.  What more can you ask for?

And now I am in collapse mode.  Lots of couch time, TV time and napping.  I don't know when I will recover.

Thank you for all the love you are sending our way.  We need it!  Christmas by definition is such a beginning.  But I think the aftermath is always a letdown instead.  Such a build up and then it's over.  I'm going to be very careful during this period of time.  Chemo is also over.  We will have to move on to a new phase.  Scans.  Decisions.  New realities. I'm sure we will need you more than ever.  I'll keep you updated on news as soon as we have it.

Two funny stories to share.
We found out today our Dr is in Fiji for two weeks.  We decided it's probably not a pleasure trip.  We think he must be a missionary doctor during all his days off.  He is healing the sick in poor countries.  Yeah right!

My kids enjoyed sledding in all the fun snow.  I told them the story of how my grandfather used to take us sledding when we were little in the pasture behind his house.  I told them how much I loved that memory.  My kids current method of sledding involves a plastice sled, two ropes and a four wheeler.  Later after they got in Gracie said, "Mom, how did Grandfather pull you on your sled when you were a little girl?  With horses?" 
Is she mixing me up with Jingle Bells - In a one horse open sleigh?  How old does she think I am?

Peace and Love and Holding on,
Jeff and Leta

Christmas Eve in the hospital

We never made it home last night and I can't even begin to tell you how sad I was. Jeff was kind of out of it so he didn't care. His Interleuken ended at 4:00 and they started the process of discharging him. But by 5:30 he had spiked a fever and had violent chills. They gave more Tylenol but his fever hit 103.2 and his oxygen level was low. So we all finally realized home was not the best place to be. They reaccessed his port and they've been pouring in fluids. After midnight his fever finally started to go down. I just kissed his forehead and it was nice and cool. Whew!

The doctor on call is someone we've never met. We will have to wait for him to come by and discharge us. I have no idea what time he does rounds. The nurses said he's very nice but is nearly 4000 years old and is slow getting around. We'll sneak out if we have to. Because what would they really do about that? Jail time?

I'm hoping to make it to Christmas Eve church tonight. It's a beautiful candlelight service. Ron said he would babysit Jeff so I could take the kids. I hope it all works out.

Funny story: I told Jeff he would need to be thinking of a prize to get me for taking such good care of him. He said he would get me anything I wanted. So I told him I wanted a romantic getaway weekend, just the two of us at some lovely location. And he said,"You know Leta, I've missed a lot of work. I really hate to take off anymore than I have to, especially for a whole weekend. Would you like me to buy you a house instead?" That man! Do you see what I have to deal with?

Merry Christmas,
Leta
Leta

Home!

The doctor said we could go home today! Relief is in the air. I just need some wine and a big cry and I'll be fine. They had to double Jeff's pain meds to get him comfortable. His fever is back up. But hopefully we can dope him up enough to convince him to get in the car for the hour ride home. It's the one time I'm sure he wishes we lived in town and not so far out in the country. It's going to be painful but I know he'll be more comfortable at home.

The doctor thinks once the Interleuken stops his fever will quickly go away. That's our prayer. He is the bravest man I know!

Love to you all,
Leta

Bah humbug

We were so wrong in thinking this round would be easier. It has been the absolute shits. How is that for Christmas language? (sorry Granny) They have not been able to keep Jeff's fever down. 102.9 on Tylenol. And now he has developed a horrible case of thrush in his mouth and throat. I checked the computer history to make sure he hadn't googled Dr.Kevorkian. It's approaching despair.

We are terrified he will have to stay in the hospital until his fever goes down. We'll see what the doctor says. Fever and chills are a very common side effect from the Interlueken. They don't think he has an infection. He's just responding to the medication. Last night when he was burning up I imagined that it was also burning up all the cancer cells.

Needless to say we are very weary. We are praying to be home in our own bed in sheets that are soft and smell good and are a perfect 98.6 degrees.

I'll keep you posted. We hope and pray everyone else is having a very merry Christmas.

Leta

Jeff had a long night last night. He is running a fever and has the chills. The nurses came in a lot to take his temp and take his blankets off to cool him down. Pure torture. Somehow I actually slept pretty good. I'm sure Jeff is mad at me because of that. But it is nice to be somewhat alert today.

Jeff's blood counts are holding steady. He won't need blood today. That's good news. Gracie and Jake came to visit yesterday and brought with them a ton of energy and joy that we needed. Jeff doesn't want to make them feel uncomfortable seeing him hooked up to stuff and looking sick. But they don't see that. They love their Daddy so much - he's just see their Daddy. They crawled right into bed with him and snuggled all over him and talked about everything. It looked like a bed full of puppies. Ahhhhh! Cheered us both up. Thank you God for children!

Mom called and said Luke is also running a fever. She is trying to mother him but he is resisting. He woke up with a fever but went out to work cattle because he told his Daddy he would. One of Lukes best traits is his loyalty. We are so proud of him - most of the time, he is 16.

The doctor told us yesterday that Jeff can go home Friday afternoon when his treatment is over. That is wonderful news for us! Getting home a day early and before Christmas Eve is a true gift. So just about 30 hours to go. Yippee!

Merry Christmas,
Jeff and Leta

Onward

Jeff is finally asleep after a restless night and day. He describes the feeling as having the flu. Headache, body aches and fever. His one wish is for a hot bath. But that will have to wait until we get home. Only showers here. He had some great visitors today. I noticed that he was in the conversations at first but then loses strength and gets quiet. He says he loves to sit and listen to the happy chatter around him but not have to participate. Distractions are always welcome. His brother Ron visits everyday. They are two social peas in a pod. Quiet but always listening. Loyal to the end. Brotherly love is a strong bond. Certainly stronger than cancer.

Jeff's hemoglobin dropped overnight and he will probably have to get blood this week. I'd like to offer up a humble thanks to all the people out there that donate blood. It is truly a wonderful life giving gift. Many thanks!

The blizzard missed us, thankfully. Just a little snow and cold. We are tucked into our little room wrapped up in our special quilts. Our room is decorated with little trees, a country snowman and lots of Christmas lights. Our kids are out of school and I hope they get to visit their Daddy tomorrow. All we need now is sweet dreams.

Merry Christmas,
Jeff and Leta

Rough start

Our morning started off great. We got a lot of rain and it was a perfectly muddy mess that would cheer up any farmer out there. We called the dr and they said everything was a go. When we got to the dr we found out that Dr Patel is out of town for 2 weeks. Seriously? And then his nurse told us that Jeff will not be taking all of the chemo. He will take the Interleuken and Interferon but not the 3 other kinds of chemo. Wish our doctor was there so we could ask some questions. The nurse explained that Jeff's blood counts are still low. His platelets finally reached 100 but his hemoglobin and white count had both dropped a little. Further treatment with those three chemo drugs could permanently damage Jeff's bone marrow. Well of course we don't want that to happen but we really wish Jeff's dr could have taken the time to discuss that with us.

But moving on we are at the hospital. We are waiting to start treatment. The two drugs Jeff is taking are the serious ones that require him to be monitored while he gets them. We have been waiting over 2 hours to start but just got word that they lost his blood sample. They're looking for it. Really? Everyone is starting to piss us off! And I even brought everyone Christmas cookies. My friend Missy told me a great quote her Dad told her. "People this time of year just need a good ole Christian ass whipping." Yes Pops they do. I just don't want to be the one who has to smack the Christmas spirit into them.

We are praying this Round - The Final Round goes easier than all the others. Maybe Jeff won't be so sick. Maybe he can enjoy Christmas with his family. Maybe this chemo is killing all the cancer. Maybe we will have the best nurses everyday all week. Maybe the blizzard won't be so bad. Maybe we'll all get through this. Maybe we'll be okay. Maybe.

Still in the Christmas spirit,
Jeff and Leta

Ready or not

We are preparing for tomorrow. It will be Round 6 - The Final Round. Jeff had blood work on Thursday and when we called on Friday to get his results the Dr's office was already closed for the day. Huh! So we are guessing his blood levels were ok or they would have called. Slightly frustrating because I like a very clear cut plan. It's the kind of thing that if it doesn't work out I will probably lay on the floor and have a giant fit! I'm sure it will be okay.

Jeff had a good week. He did a lot of work. His horses are fat and fresh from lack of riding. So he tried to ride a lot. I was worried they might be too fresh and he might get bucked off but he wasn't worried. Real cowboys like a horse like that. Not me! But I'm not a cowboy - at all! But I'm thrilled that Jeff was happy to be "back in the saddle".

Jeff hit his cap on his prescription drugs. I didn't even know we had a cap. And since there is only two weeks left in the year I wasn't that worried. Wrong!!! Jeff's new miracle anti nausea patch was $1200. Yikes! But we were blessed to be able to afford it. But how come extra stuff like that always happens during the holidays? Our health insurance has been wonderful! We are so thankful to not worry about medical bills. How do people do it? How do they worry about cancer and bills? We are so blessed. We say it everyday. We hope you do too.

The weatherman says there is a blizzard approaching. Oh my! But you never know if they will be right or not. Mom and Daddy are staying with the kids so I told them to bring all their warm winter gear. I hope we don't lose our power or have our road get blown shut with snow drifts. I think they're ready for an adventure! I'm going to be one of those crazy people that goes to the store for a ton of groceries.

On an emotional level we are making it one day at a time. Anxiety can be crippling when we think of chemo ending and new scans. And then what? So we are trying to focus on the task today. We are scared to death. But we are hopeful and faithful. We are full of love for one another, our children, family and friends. I'll keep you posted during chemo. Katie and Sally are coming to decorate Jeff's hospital room all Christmasy. He has grown to love a girly touch.

Much love,
Jeff and Leta

Out and About

Jeff and I had a wonderful weekend.  Jeff has decided to make the most of his extra week before Round 6 - The Final Round.  Even though his counts are low, his white count has been up and he has been able to get out of the house and be around people.  So on Sunday we loaded up and headed to church as a family.  The Christmas Pageant was presented as the sermon.  This year Jake was Joseph.  I'm so so happy that Jeff was able to attend.  It was a great morning.  And that afternoon my Mom's side of the family gathered for our family Christmas.  It was loud, crazy and absolutely wonderful.  Jeff was able to stay the entire time. When we got home he was tired but felt regenerated to participate in such an annual tradition.  I love my family!  Repeat, I love my family!!

Today has been cloudy and misting rain - a farmer's dream!  Jeff rode a horse yesterday and turned out some wheat pasture cattle.  He said he had to lay down in his pick up for a rest before he drove home but he did it!  He also got to watch Gracie play basketball last night.  It was the first of her games that he has been able to go to this season.  She played great and scored a couple of times and they won their game.   He was pumped that he got to see that! Winning is always more fun.

Jeff has more blood work on Thursday.  He should be on track to start chemo next Monday. 

One last thing.  Please keep Jeff's niece, Rachel in your prayers.  She is having surgery tomorrow.  Her battle with cancer rages on.  She is one of the good ones!  On facebook  she requested prayer for 2 people she met today that are also having cancer surgery tomorrow. I can't say enough good things about her and David.  I'm praying for her cure!

Feeling blessed and smiling about LaLa the dog,
Jeff and Leta

Delay

Jeff had his blood test today and also ended up getting a chest x ray.  He has been short of breath lately and has the sensation that it hurts to breathe deeply.  Now in our minds we know that those are probably chemo related side effects but our minds are a little warped and we skip right to the worse scenerio.  The good news is Jeff's chest x ray was completely normal and his blood counts are up!  What a relief.  But when the nurse called to give us the results she said that the doctor doesn't want to start chemo on Monday as planned.  His counts are up but not really high enough.  It kind of bummed us out because we have been psyching up for Monday but we know it's the right thing to do.  We want him to be as strong and healthy as possible as he heads into Round 6 - The Final Round!!!  We hope that it doesn't ooze into Christmas but if it does we can handle it.  Our number one priority is Jeff and his health.  We can make it work.

The really good news is we get Jeff home for one more week.  His white count is up so he can go out a little and eat out! Yippee!  This is the time when he feels a little better and wants to do some things.  (Like I need him to fix some things but I don't think he wants a Honey Do List)  I hope he gets to spend some time outdoors with the kids.  That's his favorite thing to do.

We are getting more and more into the Christmas spirit.  The kids help with that part.  We are feeling the love and support from everyone. Blessed, we are!  Hope is starting to warm us up and we're waiting for enthusiasm to start flowing. I'm not going to send out Christmas cards this year but I'm not going to beat myself up about it.  I wish we could personally let everyone know how much they mean to us.  I find myself saying "I love you" more, to friends and not just family.  Life is precious and we want to live it and enjoy it as much as we can.  Christmas is so beautiful and can't be marred even by cancer and chemo.

So here is my Christmas card to you all.  Thank you for the love that you have given to us.  The greatest gift of love started in a manger and is still spreading through us all.  I hope it touches you and your family during the Christmas season.

Love,
Jeff and Leta and Luke and Gracie and Jake

Destruction

I feel like I should be posting more but there is not too much to report right now.  We are home and Jeff is doing a lot of "nothing" which is driving him crazy and ultimately driving me crazy.  This is not our normal dynamic and we can't get into a groove.  Jeff's blood counts are still very low. Which means he feels crappy and can't be around people because of the risk of infection. So no Christmas parties for us! Usually by this time he has started to rally.  His blood test on Thursday showed his platelets and white counts are continuing to drop.  The chemo is doing it's job and is destroying everything in it's path.  Gotta love it, gotta hate it.  We go back on Monday for another blood test to see if Jeff has hit bottom and is on his way back to normal.  His last round of chemo is due to start December 12th.  His platelets need to be well over 100 and he is hovering at 17.  I'm not sure what will happen.  But Jeff and I love to play the scenerio game.  In fact it is probably the number reason we are driving each crazy!  If one more person tells me that everything happens for a reason............  Well it is the Christmas season so I'm sure I'll have to restrain myself.  We would love to finish Jeff's last round of chemo before Christmas.  But I suppose there is a possibility of starting it after Christmas.  You know how I love to have a plan and stick to it.  Cancer and chemo must not have gotten the memo.
Our house is decorated for Christmas and we are attempting to put on a happy face.  When I think about it we are really happy to have made it this far.  We are so close to finishing this treatment.  Please forgive our fussiness and irritability.  We really are thankful.  Really. 

Jeff and Leta

Happy Anniversary, babe

Jeff and I met in the fall of 1984.  We were in typing class together at Canyon HS.  Jeff was a junior and I was a sophomore.  He was the cutest, blonde, wild cowboy I had ever seen.  Never having been around a cowboy before I wasn't sure how to approach him.  So I quietly crushed on him from two rows back.  He never looked my way - although he swears the feelings were mutual.  He just didn't know how to approach me - the blonde, bubbly, social butterfly, over achiever.
Flash forward to 1990.  We were both at WT and saw each other at a Maine's Brothers Dance at the Activity Center.  It was love at first sight and he stole my heart that night when he asked me to dance. I often say I fell in love with him because he was such a good two-stepper! He said he couldn't remember my name but remembered me from typing class.  He said he had dreamed about me.  We fell madly in love and I knew from the start he would be the man I would marry.  But getting to the marriage part was harder than I thought.  Jeff didn't come from a family where he saw his parents love one another.  He couldn't imagine how a loving marriage would be.  He didn't know how to make something like that work. In fact he was convinced it never would work. We broke up a couple of times over those thoughts of his!  From the time we met I smothered Jeff in my love. Of course he loved it but I'm also sure it scared him to death.  In fact the first time Jeff asked me to marry him he freaked himself out and tried to take it back the next day.  Yes, that is a true story!  But I guess after time he knew our love  was sincere and he started to trust our future more.
We were married November 28, 1992 over Thanksgiving weekend.  There had been a blizzard 4 days before and there was still plenty of snow on the ground.  Our church had been decorated for Christmas and it was so beautiful.  It was a perfect day.
When I think back to the vows we said to one another that day - we were children and had no idea what we were saying.  We kind of grew into those promises.  Thank goodness we meant them. 
It hasn't always been easy.  We have certainly had our fights and disagreements.  Mainly we just drive each other crazy.  But our fierce love for each other has carried us through.  Jeff is a great husband. He's not perfect but he's pretty great. He has learned to smother me in his love and come to find out he likes to do that!  Marriage and kids aren't near as scary as he once thought.  He lets me do my own thing and trusts me all the time. He rarely tries to boss me and he has never said, "You will do it because I said so."  He has worked double time so that I could be a stay at home mom.  He puts up with me and my sisters. (When we're together we can be a little overwhelming.) He lets me buy clothes and shoes and purses.  He always changes my flat tires and makes sure I'm driving a reliable car. He always helps me put the kids to bed and helps them with their homework while I cook supper.  He switched from Baptist to Presbyterian and  even joined my church. He tells me I'm beautiful and makes me feel that way. I love him. I really love him.  He's just the right guy for me. And I'm very thankful for our anniversary this year. 

Love,
Leta

Thanks and Giving

Happy Thanksgiving!  This was such a tough day but it ultimately reigned triumphant!  Jeff and I got up at 5:30 to go to the hospital this morning.  We knew that it could be a long day and we wanted to start and be finished as soon as possible.  We arrived by 7:30 and were greeted at the Out Patient room by a nurse that said, "We are closed today, what are you doing here?" We have felt that sting before and told her that our Dr had told us to be there for blood work and possibly  a transfusion.  To make a long story short, our Dr arrived, blood work was done and Jeff received a unit of platelets.  They also gave him some IV nausea meds for all the holiday vomiting.  Luckily we were home by noon.  The kids and I cooked Thanksgiving and Jeff was able to sleep all afternoon.  He was able to eat a couple of bites and the kids and I enjoyed the rest.

I was sad not to spend the day with all my crazy family but we were okay.  I was prepared to enjoy the quietness of "just my family". Thankfully my kids fussed and fought and teased one another all day and I wasn't faced with any quiet moments.   Just as I was about to feel sorry for myself and think of all the things this day wasn't, I received a message from a girl that Jeff and I went to high school with.  She had read our blog and related to it because of health issues of her daughter.  She wrote to thank us for touching her. Wow! Its hard for us to imagine how we can be helping someone else. We actually feel our needs are great and we ask for a lot of help and support.  I feel like this blog is just a place to update things with Jeff, gripe, complain and stand on my soap box.  It's often not even about Jeff.  But it's nice to know that our circle of friends and family is ever growing.  We are thankful for that.  And we are thankful that our story has touched someone else.  We're not always happy about the way things are going but we do feel blessed. And we were so thankful to receive that message tonight.

So even though this wasn't the best Thanksgiving I've ever had, I will continue to give thanks.  God bless you all tonight!  I hope you are filled with  the love of family, a belly full of food and contentment with the life you  are given.

Jeff and Leta

WE are the Church

I was blessed today and I hope my kids felt it too.  My sister orchastrated a family gathering/mission today and it was an experience I had not anticipated.  My sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, my cousin, my aunt and my parents - about 20 of us in all met and went to volunteer at the Faith City Mission. We were among 275 volunteers today and it was a truly a blessing.  This was something my kids and I had never done before and it was great.  I would recommend it to everyone I know!  And I will do it again and again and again! There were many more volunteers than homeless people.  There were so many of us our job was simply to stand outside and greet the shelter's "guests".  I like it that they were called the guests and our job was to serve them. We stood outside in the beautiful sunny day and shook hands and greeted hundreds of people.  I was proud to stand beside my children and my family as we simply welcomed people to a wonderful lunch.  As the guests entered the doors they enjoyed worship before their meal.  There was an inspirational video and a sermon.  And while I didn't agree with everything that was said, I felt an overwhelming sense that WE are the Church. There was an alter call of sorts and I wasn't sure that "asking Jesus into their hearts" was meaningfully to the group of hungry, tired, dirty, depressed, addicted, handicapped guests.  I think the most meaningful part of the day were the people.  The touching of hands, the serving of food, the smiles of children, the conversations about the weather, and the quick blessings and prayers that were shared. WE are the church. Of course I want everyone to have a relationship with our Lord, but I think the servant's hearts were closer to getting that job done than the preacher.  And that was what was singed into my brain and what I told my children.  WE are the church.  Wherever we go, whomever we meet in every situation, WE are the church.  We are on this earth to serve one another.  It's not about us.  And my small confession is that I often feel sorry for my family and all that we are going through.  Our circumstances will not be changed by doctors or medicine BUT.... WE are the church and my family has been served by many.  And it was a true blessing to serve others today. I was proud to be a part of such a wonderful family and a wonderful "church". So whatever God you serve and whatever church you attend, we are united in our love of service, our acts of kindness and goodness and acceptance.  WE are the church.

On a side note, Jeff got his blood tests from yesterday back and his platelets are low.  We are going to the hospital early tomorrow morning for another blood test and probably a platelet transfusion. (Thank you Susan for donating 2 units of platelets this week).  Jeff and I are tired and weary and the last place we want to be on Thanksgiving is the hospital.  But we are thankful that if he needs platelets he will get them.  We are thankful for our familyand friends and being a part of something that is MUCH bigger than ourselves.  We are humbled daily by it all. And we are truly blessed to be a part of it all.  This life is beautiful, heart breaking, and very messy.  We absolutley love it!  We get it.  Thank God!! WE are the church!

A little relief

We got to sleep last night and it was bliss! I think they only checked Jeffs vital signs twice and the IV only beeped twice. What a relief! Jeff is sitting up eating breakfast and talking business on the phone. It's amazing how quickly he starts to rebound once the chemo is stopped. He looks a million times better. I also think the blood transfusion did it's job. Our nurse today is someone Jeff rode the school bus with when they were kids. What a special way to end this hospital stay.

We should be discharged before lunch and I hope to make it to Happy to see Gracie play a game in her basketball tournament. Go Cowgirls!

Joyful,
Jeff and Leta

No rest for the weary

We had another sleepless night. We've done it before although it was more fun with a newborn baby. Now it's just the two of us and were getting grumpy. It was so bad last night that at 3:30 we just decided to be up and watch TV. There was nothing good on but it distracted us from the annoying IV beeping. We decided it could be a form of torture. Let someone fall asleep for 30 minutes and then wake them up with loud beeping. Repeat 20 times!

Jeff's blood counts were lower today so he is currently getting a blood transfusion. I'm glad we are doing it now instead of next week. I hope Thanksgiving week we can be at home, resting, recovering and being thankful! I can't imagine anything better. And now that Jeff is getting blood I hope he feels better than he usually does the first week after chemo.

We should be home tomorrow afternoon. I can't wait for my bath tub and my bed! Jeff said he just wants to see our kids and love on them. He's so much more thoughtful! I should have said that.

Checking off round 5,
Jeff and Leta

A great nurse can make your day!

It's day 4 of chemo and Jeff is getting it done! It's tough stuff but nothing unexpected. His blood counts are low and it looks like he might have to have a blood transfusion tomorrow. We'll wait and see. We had a nurse last night that isn't our favorite. She likes to turn on ALL the lights in the middle of the night and talk loudly. Grrrr! We realize that hospitals aren't a place to rest but we have become quite spoiled by some of the other nurses and now we're ruined. We have had one of our favorite nurses the last two days. What a blessing! Jeff's nurse on Tuesday brought him a warm donut and cold milk after he didn't like his regular breakfast. Now that's a great nurse! It's an especially big letdown for both of us when we get home and have to care for ourselves. We regularly try to convince nurses to come home with us. So far no luck. Jeff has one nurse that takes his vital signs and they often bet on his blood pressure and pulse. Their standing bet is a thirty pack of beer. Oh my! Jeff is charming them all!

Chemo will be over tomorrow and we hope to go home Saturday. I'm praying time passes quickly. Jeff's current curse word this time is worse than dirty rotten whore. I hope we are discharged before they kick us out. I just try and keep the door shut.

Peace and love,
Jeff and Leta

Who are we - con't

I'm having mechanical difficulties and it posted my last blog before I was finished!

We are in a different room this time, a completely different wing. It's nice to see everything at a different angle and have a new perspective. I'm hoping and praying we will coast thru this round of chemo. We did find out that's Jeff's white count dropped dramatically overnight after just the first dose of chemo. He is neutropenic which means he can't be around anyone who is sick, or might be getting sick. Lots of hand washing and masks. Yuck!

I have a uplifting moment to share. I got to go to Gracies first jr high basketball game last night and sat with some wonderful ladies. We talked about Jeff and how tough chemo is but how brave he is. I made the comment that we wanted to meet the person that has taken all six rounds of this kind of chemo and shake his hand. My friend Connie said, "You're about to. Jeff is going to be that guy and everyone is going to want to shake his hand." I love a different perspective!! I just told Jeff that story and it made him smile. He is proud to be that guy and he would love to tell someone facing this kind of chemo his story. And for the first time I saw in his face that he is going to do this. As long as his body can take it, his mind is strong enough to bear it.

I hope this blog seemed more hopeful today. We're trying!

Lots of love,
Jeff and Leta

Who are we?

I just got through reading some of our past blog entries and I have to admit that it is a bit of a downer to read. Really gruesome stuff. And my first reaction is I can't believe that's us! We are usually happy and often funny. Were usually someone you would want to be friends with and hang around. I almost couldn't stand us. But I decided to give ourselves a break. And that's a relief. Because I know that the funk we are in now will not last forever. Thank goodness. This is a dark period and we do appreciate you standing beside us. It must be hard. But thank you for putting up with us when we are not ourselves!

Day 2 of chemo is about normal. Jeff had a good night and enjoyed his brother, Ron spending the night with him.

The good smell

Last week for Veterans Day, Jake had to make a poster for school. We had red, white and blue stars and markers all ready to go when I remembered some of my Grandfathers WWII pictures and dog tags. I went to get the box of my "Grandparents stuff". When I opened the lid I was hit with the smell. It smelled just like them, G-Momma and Grandfather. It was so overpowering and comforting I burst into tears. Jake came running over to see WHAT was in that box! I tried to explain to him how much I loved that smell and how much I loved them. It reminded me of when I was a little girl and would go to their house and it smelled so good just walking in the door. Jake doesn't remember them but he loves his grandparents so I think he had some understanding of what I was saying. I couldn't believe that just a smell could mean so much to me. I am blessed to have such a giant, crazy, wonderful family. And I've had them all my life! What a great foundation I've been given and what a bigger blessing to raise my children in this family. My grandparents legacy continues.

Saturday night the other side of my family had a birthday celebration for my Granny. She turned 90 years old. Jeff and I debated on whether to go. A small thing like going out to dinner can take all of our energy. But we decided to go. It was loud and crazy - just like always. We talked and laughed and were surrounded by the people that love us unconditionally. By the time we left we felt so much better than when we got there. We were full of hopeful energy to face chemo today. And when we left I hugged Granny for a long time. I was her first grandchild so I'm sure that makes me her favorite. I took one last sniff before I let go. Ahhh, powder and Estee Lauder.


Love,
Jeff and Leta

Going into Round 5

Jeff got good news from his blood work earlier in the week.  His counts are up so the plan is to start Round 5 on Monday.  When he first started chemo he was excited to do it, excited at the prospect of beating this disease and excited that there was a treatment.  Today those emotions have changed.  He knows he is blessed that there is a treatment he can take but he is physically and mentally exhausted from the process.  We never imagined chemo could be this brutal.  It is a horrible, relentless treatment.  To finish all 6 rounds is unimaginable at this point.  I know Jeff and I know how strong and determined he is and I know he will do this. But these last two treatments will be torture.  And I hate that they will fall during Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Daily we affirm our decision and talk about the good that this chemo is doing.  If it is destroying his healthy cells so rapidly it HAS to be destroying the cancer cells.  He will not rescan until all the chemo is finished.  This is actually a relief.  We don't really want to know anything different right now.  We know he is having a response and some of his tumors are shrinking, so in our minds it is continuing to do so. We can talk about the future and have hope!  So that's what we're doing. Counting down the days until the chemo is over and he starts to recover and morphs back into himself. He is dreaming of a warm spring without too much wind.  Lots of thunderstorms and beautiful green wheat.  He wants to grow his hair back and do a lot of roping.  He can't wait for a steak off the grill and an ice cold beer.  He wants to ride horses with his kids and  be outside long enough to have to put on sunscreen.  No bucket lists to check off or regreats.  He doesn't feel that way.  He just wants to enjoy life and be joyful!  Bring it on God! 

The bravest choice

This week has been one of the hardest for me. Jeff is feeling much better and is eating, sleeping and working. I think I wait until he starts to bounce back before I start to relax and let down my guard and eventually meltdown. But a good cry does feel good. But this time my good cry has latest a couple of days. There is a good reason. The price of love and life and family is worth more than an ocean of tears. Here's our story of the week. We know someone that is young and strong like Jeff that is battling cancer. He's had a rough road and just found out that his disease has returned. I hate the ending of that story! From what we understand he will try some new chemo but has chosen not to undergo anymore radical treatments. If we had heard his story 2 years ago we would have been so judgmental in our opinion. We would have thought he had given up and not wanted to fight hard enough for himself or his family. We would have felt righteous in our words and we would have been wrong. And this is why I have cried all week. It's a realization that is heartbreaking but beautiful. When your body has been mutilated and destroyed by cancer and surgery and chemo and radiation, when every part of your body, except your soul, has been rendered broken, you are faced with a choice. To make your choice is very personal. And I am shamed that I would presume to know what is best for someone in that situation. Because today I know that if you chose to live the remainder of your life with a clear mind and surrounded by love and family, well that is about the bravest choice you could ever make. God bless the people that ever have to make those kind of choices. Because it could be you, or me and Jeff. I would say it's worthy of a good cry.

I made it through this tough week because of all the people God put along my path. Thank you Daddy for taking Jeff to the doctor. And a special thanks to M and M for getting me to Follett to watch Luke play. Blessed!

Jeff and Leta

Wore smooth out!

Jeff and I just got home from the hospital.  It has been a long, long day.  He got much worse over the weekend. He passed out in the shower and hasn't been able to keep anything down for a day or two. He was up most of the night and we both knew things weren't good.  First thing this morning we called the dr and said we will be there in an hour. We didn't ask we just went! Sure enough he was very dehydrated and needed IV fluid, nausea meds and two units of blood.  Believe it or not it took 10 hours to get all of that done. But we did it.  They changed his nausea meds and when I pulled up to the pharmacy to pick it up they said they were out. What??  I wanted to say ALL of the bad words but I refrained and simply pulled away.  Which Jeff said was rude but I think it was nicer than saying all the bad words to the sweet girl behind the glass.   Lucky for me I can drive to Amarillo tomorrow to pick up the new medicine.  Although my sister offered to do it for me!! Thank you Katie.

So we are home and Jeff has eaten fried chicken and claims to feel better.  He's in the shower without a guard and I'm trying to convince my kids we need to go to bed at 8.  Jake asked if we were going Trick or Treating.  I told him I would just buy him candy.  I'm actually a better mother but I'm not on my A game today.

One thought I wanted to share that has been playing over and over in my mind.  When our kids were babies my sisters and I came up with a catch phrase that basically describes parenthood.  "If it's easy, you're probably not doing it right."  Which means that everything in life worth a darn, you have to work hard for.  It originally was applied to weaning a baby from a pacifier or reading the same book to your toddler 10 million times.  But as my life goes on it seems to apply to everything.  Of course right now when Jeff is fighting for his life it means chemo is hard but it's worth it.  But it also means when you're tired and you want the easy way out - that's not the way to go.  Life is hard.  I think it's meant to be.  Love, prayer, exercise, eating right, doing your job, raising your kids, being honest, making good choices, living within your means..... I could go on and on.  You get my point.  It's all hard.  And Jeff and I aren't perfect.  I'm always looking for the easy way out.  I just think I realize that it doesn't exist.  It's always going to be hard.  But...... I think it's worth it to put in the effort and sweat a little.  Push yourself and trust more. I'm not always an example of it but I do understand that it's a better way that I constantly strive for. So here I go.  I'm going to read to Jake before I say his prayers.  I'm going to help Gracie with her homework and talk to Luke more about football and how he is a good person no matter what the score says.  I am going to drink a glass of wine first but I really don't think that's cheating. It's not going to be easy but the end result is worth it.

Love,
Leta

Up and Down

The best thing about this week is that it went by quickly and it's over! It was scattered and all over the place. I hate those weeks. Jeff is having trouble keeping down food and liquid. His dr is in India for two weeks and we feel a little naked out in a breeze. There is a doctor on call but there have been a couple of miscommunications. That tends to happen when you are VERY ill and your dr is in India! It just meant we got to drive to Amarillo a lot this week for blood tests and dr visits. Jeff was dehydrated and got IV fluids on Tuesday. Thursday blood test indicated that his platelets are very low but not low enough for a transfusion. And since it is now the weekend we have to go to the ER if he starts to bleed because he won't be able to stop. Yuck! Who wants to go to the ER? There are sick people there. Praying that he can wait till Monday!
Other complaints: Jake and I need our nightmares to stop. Do you think it's Halloween stuff or the fact that some things in our life are real and scary?
Luke's football team lost last night and he's pretty down about it. This season has been a challenge for a lot of different reasons. It's a very young team with no seniors. Luke wants to do well and beats himself up when he messes up and feels he's let his team down. I'm sure he's not the only teenage boy that feels that way. But I know Luke feels especially low. That is such a tough part of parenting. Jeff and I agonize over how his cancer effects the kids. We try to keep everything as normal as possible which is ironic considering nothing is normal right now.

That is the end of my complaining for today. We got a beautiful, unexpected, wet, slushy snow Wednesday night and most of the day Thursday. It won't end out drought but it will make a difference in our wheat crop. Like maybe we might have one now. It made Jeff happy. Things are super muddy out here on the farm. My car will never be the same! But I'm not complaining!

Still in the game,
Jeff and Leta

Blessings

We are home and it's tough right now.  Jeff is weak and nauseous.  He's not the real Jeff at all.  The kids are happy we're home but it's not the same with their Daddy.  I think they get a little mad at him.  Adjustments are hard and we expect this now.  We all eventually have a melt down in our own particular way.  I'm a big crier and so is Jake.  Luke and Gracie like to be mad at us (they are teens) so I think that's normal.

 For a while last year Jeff and I went to counseling.  It was kind of weird for us. I never imagined us doing that.  I started going because I have some major grief issues and when Jeff was diagnosed it hit me harder than I could imagine.  I've already lost so many people in my life that I tremendously loved! Tremendously!!  My brother, Charles, and my two beautiful, wonderful and young cousins, Lauren and Emily - back to back. When Jeff was diagnosed with a rare and deadly cancer it was almost more than I could bear. I sunk into a deep depression and finally sought help with counseling and medication.  I've told very few people about that.  It's personal and intimate information but I think that many people that go thru cancer have a similar experience. So I'm writing about it tonight because I finally feel confident and willing to share that information.  I went through Samaritan counseling which is church based and even found a Presbyterian counselor.  He was very kind and let me tell him my long, dramatic story.  Eventually Jeff joined me and he even went to a couple of sessions by himself.  We haven't been back since last spring.  Reality hit and Jeff's cancer metastized and we've been focused only on Jeff.  But it was overall a good experience.  I think now I'm probably just as upset and fragile but I've got too many things to take care of that I can't focus on how upset I am right now.  And I think Jeff is the same way.  He's too sick to go right now and doesn't have the energy. But I wanted to put that out there.  We don't feel any shame or stigma about it.  If you need it - do it!

Here's how we feel today.  Okay.  Blessed.  Hopeful.  Jeff and I had a long talk last night.  Another "why me" and "why is this happening?"  We still don't know.  But really we are okay with it all.  It's funny but for the last 20 plus years that we have known each other we have constantly said, "We are blessed.  Everything important in life we have been blessed with."  We said that at first because we were so young and poor and had nothing but the love for each other. Then we continued to say it as we were blessed with beautiful, perfect children. We said it as we built our business and put all our faith and trust in God.  We said it as our marriage and love for each other grew.  We've always said it. Repeat - We've always said it! Sincerely.  And today we are SO thankful we did.  Because we really meant it and now as our life and faith are tested we are reassured by our own words.  We are blessed.  We are! We have built a life that is full of love and prosperity.  We love our family and our friends and we are surrounded by them in our darkest hour.  We didn't start saying or feeling those things because of Jeff's cancer.  We always had it.  What a blessing!!!  It is sustaining us today.  Our prayer now is for all of you to say it.  Today when your life is as perfect as you think it is.  Say it!  Please say it.  "I am blessed.  Everything important in life I have been blessed with."  I urge you to say it.  That is my prayer for you.

Blessed, vulnerable but okay,
Jeff and Leta

Not alone

We've made it to day 4. Things are going okay. The new medicine is still working but not as well as the first day. Jeff is sleeping right now and he slept really good last night. But after the news coverage of all the lions and tigers and bears he did have some bad dreams. But who wouldn't? Can you imagine if you lived in that town and all those wild animals were on the loose? Scary! Late last night I was watching some cable news show and they mentioned that a wild monkey was not accounted for and was presumed to still be wandering around. Although there was the possibility that one of the big cats could have eaten the monkey. I laughed until I cried. I know I'm sick and twisted but doesn't anyone else think that's a little funny?

Whenever Jeff goes into the hospital someone is always with him. He's never been alone up here. We realize what a blessing that is. I am so thankful that Jeff has worked hard so that I could be a stay at home mom and now not have to worry about working and taking care of Jeff. I'm also thankful for all our family and friends that help out with our kids so that I can be up here. There are so many patients that are up here all alone. No family, no friends, no church family. I don't know how they do it!
It's the hardest thing we've ever been through under the best of circumstances. Thank you, God.

Dr. Patel just stopped by and said the plan is for Jeff to take all 6 rounds of chemo? He is responding well and we should keep doing this treatment. Our immediate reaction was GREAT! But our next thought was CRAP! But I know he can do it! And we won't do it alone. Thank you, God!

Blessed,
Jeff and Leta

The GOOD drugs!

Today has been very predictable as day 2 of chemo. Jeff has started to feel nauseous and the pain has set in. Ever since radiation Jeff has suffered from horrible headaches. It's a side effect that the doctors said should be gone by now but that hasn't been the case. And of course chemo has made them worse. The treatment has been hydrocodone when they are really bad. But that has never done the job. Today he finally got some relief in the form of Oxycontin. Come to find out it's not just an expensive street drug but a real medicine! And Jeff LOVES it! He has been able to rest and eat more today. He's a little loopy but not too bad. He said he just feels good. I'm hoping that it will make a big difference getting through all the pain of chemo.

I have one funny and sweet moment to share. Jeff was dozing off and on and he looked over at me and said, "Babe, you're just right. Will you marry me?" I told him we were already married and he said, "Lets do it all again."

Of course I would.

Leta

Holy Moly!

Holy Moly it was tough going to the hospital today! Jeff Smith is the bravest man I know. Round 4 should start today. We are waiting to make sure his platelet count is high enough. It is unbelievably hard to muster up the strength to face chemo. I don't know how Jeff does it. He is so much stronger than I am. Physically and emotionally. We are hanging on to the hope that the chemo is working. We got the scan report this morning and it appears that not only did the tumor in Jeff's liver shrink but it looks like the center of it is dead. That news gave us the little boost we needed to do this all over again.

Okay we just got word that Jeff's platelets are up! Even a little higher than normal. Now we are just waiting for a room. I'm thinking Salt Grass for lunch! We officially hate hospital food.

Love,
Jeff and Leta

So many typos

To clarify, tumors in his liver shrunk and tumors in his lungs remain unchanged. Although the one in his right lung was gone after the first round of chemo. I didn't check for typos. Please forgive me!

Good news

We just received good news fromliver doctor. Jeff's scans showed the tumors in his liver have shrunk. The spots in his liver remained the same and nothing new had grown! So it appears that slowly bur surely the chemo is working. This is a positive sign that he should continue with round 4 of chemo. Although his platelets are still low, we are praying they will be high enough by Monday to start chemo then. It sure is nice to have some good news to report. Whew!

For the next four days we will be trying to prepare mentally and physically to start chemo again. Lots of steak, laughs and love! We are weary and the race ahead is getting harder every step. Please help us stay motivated and hopeful. We are still clinging tightly to one another as we pray for a cure. Please join us and continue to lift up Jeff in your prayers.

We love you all,
Jeff and Leta

Time is marching on

Jeff is getting his CT scans right now. We're at the out patient place. Jeff's blood work yesterday showed his platelets are still too low to start chemo this week. He will have another blood test on Thursday and with the CT scan results we will determine when round 4 of chemo will start. We are both full of anxiety about the scan results. If there isn't a big decrease in the tumors, there is a possibility this chemo will be stopped. It is brutal on his body and permanent damage can occur. So we are praying with all our might that the chemo is shrinking the cancer and Jeffs body is strong enough to withstand it.

Jeff has spent a lot of time in bed this time. Very unusual for him. He got up early Tuesday to ship cattle but it seems he's used all his energy and he's back to feeling tired and wiped out. I can't stress enough that chemo is a dirty, rotten whore!

Our spirits were lifted yesterday at the Happy Breast Cancer Awareness walk. Jeff was too tired to go but the kids and I went. The entire football team walked in honor of Jeff. That was so special for our family. And it touched my hearts to see Lukes team meats also support him. Lots of goodness out there!

We'll keep you posted on test results

B+

I mean B positive (not B plus).  Jeff's blood type is B+.  Dr Patel took a look at Jeff today and sent him to the hospital for blood tests there.  They drew blood from his arm and it wouldn't stop bleeding.  I knew at that point he would be in for some sort of blood products!  And yes, he qualified for platelets, which he received tonight and tomorrow he earns 2 pints of blood.  I knew Jeff wasn't bouncing back like he should.  And the doctor had warned us this was coming.  I am hoping and praying that after he receives blood he will feel much better.

 Dr. Patel said he wants Jeff to start Round 4 of chemo on Monday.  When he said that Jeff and I looked at each other and both said, "No way!" We are both too weary.  I don't see how he can be physically ready to do this again so soon.  But we will wait and see.  I'm sure we'll do what we need to do, whether we like it or not. The doctor also said he will repeat the scans the day Jeff checks into the hospital and have them run there.  Back at MD Anderson, CT scans took 3-4 hours start to finish.  But here in Amarillo it is a 20 minute process at the hospital and no waiting.  Hmmm.  Big difference!

I've had a couple of people ask me if they could donate blood for Jeff.  I don't think you can donate directly to him, even if you are B+ but you can donate in his name no matter what your blood type is. In all the anxiety and saddness, I love these moments of goodness. How special that someone would ask to give their blood Jeff.  It's like the 3 fishes and 5 loaves.  So small and yet it grows and spreads into something bigger than all of us.  I say it everyday.  Thank you.  Thank you so much for all the love, support, friendship, acts of kindness, words of encouragement, extra wine, food and ALL the many prayers.  The goodness is still growing and spreading.  Even through me and Jeff.  We can feel it. 

Again, thanking you,
Jeff and Leta 

Holding Pattern

We are just here. That's all. Nothing else. This round of chemo has done a lot of damage, to Jeff's body and also to our hearts. Jeff is really starting to look like he's sick. For so long he still looked healthy. Chemo has robbed him of that. He is bald, thin and frail. I remind him everyday that all the symptoms he is experiencing are from the treatment, not the disease. Its still a lot to take. He has not bounced back this time. I hate to see him this way. It breaks my heart. He has started an antibiotic for a possible sinus infection and he seems to have more energy today. I hope he's on the way back up. We see the dr tomorrow so we will have more answers soon.

We don't know when his next scans are or his next round of chemo. And we don't care. We don't talk about it or worry about. I think we are pretending those things in our future don't exist. And that protective move is helping us cope. Denial is working for us right now.

We have also slept a lot lately, the whole family. I'm not sure why but it's all we want to do. Usually Jeff sets the pace and things move fast and there is minimal time to sleep. But since Jeff is down we are still taking his lead. We cannot sleep enough. Is it because we are weary from all this or are we trying to hibernate through all the grief? Crazy how our brains work!

We will keep you posted on what the dr says and how Jeffs blood counts are. He's ready to stop wearing the mask and he'd secretly love to be around people. He wants to go to church and to a football game to watch Gracie cheer or watch Luke play. I hope he can do those things this week.

Thanks for all the love and support and food! They are still sustaining us.

Quietly,
Jeff and Leta

The glamorous job of Care Giver

Jeff went for a check up this morning and he wasn't doing well. He had lost 18 lbs since Friday. That is 8 lbs less than when he started. He was dehydrated and ended up getting some IV fluid and anti nausea meds. But we were able to do that at the dr's office and not have to go to the hospital. Which brings me to the subject of being a care giver. It's a tough job that I do not take lightly. I had been very aggravated with Jeff about him drinking enough. If I nag him too much to keep drinking and trying to eat he gets irritated with me and wants me to back off. But when I back off he doesn't drink enough and GETS DEHYDRATED. I can't win. Just because he has cancer doesn't mean we don't get on each others nerves. That is still the same.

The role of care giver is not entirely foreign to me, after all I am a mother. And I have taken care of Jeff all of our relationship. He likes me to do things for him. I blame his mother because she never taught him how to cook, clean, do laundry or make a bed. Thanks, Joy! You can't teach this old dog anything new! But I will also say that Jeff has taken care of me. He has worked so hard so that I could stay home and raise our kids. Somehow it's all even.

The difference is the fierceness of love and protection I feel for him. Jeff has always been the protector - not me. So that is a little new. I don't have any doubt or reservations when it comes to making sure he is getting the best treatment and care. My brother in law, Sean calls it "Dumbo's Mother Syndrome". You know in the Disney movie Dumbo, the mother elephant is very calm and sweet, so sweet, until they mess with her baby and then she goes ballistic! I wouldn't hesitate to go ballistic for Jeff Smith. I love that man whether he drinks enough fluid or not, whether he has cancer or not, whether he drives me crazy or not, til death do us part, I love him. And even if I complain I would never let anyone else do my job of taking care of him.

Exhausted,
Leta

Home

We are home and happy! I cannot describe how much we love our bed! I may not get up all day. Oh that's a fantasy! On the flip side, Jeff will NOT want to be in bed all day. They are planting wheat right outside our door and Jeff is going crazy wanting to be out there. Usually I would just let him go for his "mental health" but as we were leaving the hospital yesterday his latest lab results came in. He is dangerously close to being neutropenic right now. His white blood cells are dwindling down to nothing and that means he will have no immune system. The simplest infection would put him back in the hospital. So he really can't be out in the dirt and muck of the farm. He will have to be on a special diet also to keep him safe. No fresh fruits or vegetables due to the risk of bacterial contamination. And I have to get all my live plants out. Crazy! His next blood test will be Tuesday. After that he will probably be pretty isolated for a while.

I just looked up and he's out the door to "check on a tractor". That man! Why doesn't he want to lie in bed and read magazines and watch back to back episodes of Sell This House? If he's not back inside in about 3 minutes I'm going out there in my jammies to embarrass him in front of his employees. Wish me luck.

Comforted,
Jeff and Leta

100%

It's the last day of chemo and it's looks like Jeff will take 100% this time. We are so excited by this news. The last drop should be finished around 4:00 this afternoon. His blood counts are normal and other than a rash and headache he has tolerated this round well. In fact he's doing so well he will go home tonight or tomorrow morning. Yippee!

Dr Patel does anticipate his blood levels to drop dramatically this time which is normal after 3 rounds of this kind of chemo. Jeff will have to have blood work twice a week and we will need to be on high alert for infections. Please pray our family can stay healthy during the upcoming weeks. Luke already has a cold and I'm trying to figure out how to keep them separated.

I had a delightful birthday yesterday, even in the hospital. Thank you friends and family for making me feel so special! Katie and Sally came up last night and brought supper, wine and the movie, Bridesmaids. We went down to an isolated waiting room and watched the movie and laughed until we got the "snorts and coughs". I love my sisters so much!

Smiling today,
Jeff and Leta

A funny story to brighten our day

Jeff is still doing great but can't shake his horrible headache. They've upped his pain meds and ive tried to keep him in a good mood. Thought I'd share one of our funny stories that we giggle over all the time.

Setting the scene: the night before Jeff's big surgery at MD Anserson back in Feb 2010. We had appointments all day and they were all running late. One of out last appointments of the day was with the surgeon and we got there 3 hours late because of all the late appointments all day. We were tired, worried, full of questions and anxiety. Plus we had barely eaten because of Jeff's tests. The odds were against us already that we would be able to keep our cool and be nice.

The nurse took us to a room. We sat down and the first thing I noticed was the horrible smell. I mean it was bad. I thought it was something gross I couldn't see in the trash can. I asked Jeff if he smelled it and he didn't, just me. I went on and on about the stink and the nurse heard me out in the hall and came in and sprayed air freshener. Jeff was furious at me for " making a scene". But I couldn't help it and it was bugging me that Jeff couldn't smell it. I continued to complain and at that point Jeff was about ready to throw me out of the room. Inappropriate language was used!

Finally I stood up and said I was going out into the hall for some fresh air. When i walked by Jeff he looked at me strangely and said he smelled it too - on me! What? I quickly pulled the back of my long sweater around and sniffed it. IT WAS ME!I burst into tears right as the nurse and surgeon walked in. They asked what was wrong and I told them someone had soiled themselves in the chair and left it for me to sit in for 15 minutes! And then Jeff started laughing and said, "And now she smells like ass!" So Jeff laughed and I cried. Relief for both of us.

The rest of the dr's visit went really well considering I smelled like ass. They brought me scrubs to change into but they were ugly and would have looked hidious with the cute cowboy boots I was wearing. ( I get it that I can be snobby that way and that is not a strong character trait) So I walked back to the hotel while Jeff took his last CT scan and I took a hot bath and drank a lot of wine. Then I walked back up to the hospital and got Jeff.

The sweater in question was saved and I still wear it. Who knew that ass would be so easy to get out with just regular laundry detergent?

One extra detail to the story? A couple of months later when we went back to the surgeons office he had all new VINYL chairs. The nurse said they redid all the rooms after my
unfortunate accident. So because of me, no one will ever have to accidentally
sit in ass in the Head and Neck department at MDA. You're welcome!

Leta

Scan news

We finally got the report on Jeff's CT scans. Dr Patel said Jeff has had a partial response to the chemo. That means some of the spots are gone and some of the spots are unchanged. Nothing new grew and none of the spots got bigger. So we will finish this round of chemo and rescan in two weeks. That will determine if we continue chemo or look toward starting a trial. So I guess we will wait and see. You know waiting is not our game. We decided to only talk about the positive aspects of the news until after the next scans. We'll see if we can keep the dark side away.

This round of chemo doesn't seem to be as bad. Jeff has only gained 6 lbs of fluid so far. He has a rash but it's not too angry yet. He is struggling with a constant headache but has been very coherent and lucid. That's nice for me. No hiccups this time either. Funny how it's different every time. One new thing during this hospital stay. They have started construction on the floor beneath us. So napping during the day has become frustrating. Just when you doze off a Jack hammer jolts you awake. Dirty rotten whore! No sleep at night or during the day. It reminds me of having a newborn. Remember those days?

Please continue to pray for Jeff. We are still hoping and praying that this chemo will work or at least give him some significant time and quality of life. Yes, we've added that last phrase to our prayers. Let's just be honest here. Gulp.

One super quote from Jeff today, " You know the 3 greatest things I've accomplished in my life? Luke, Gracie and Jake." Amen!

Tired and silly

We didn't sleep very much last night. Vital sign checks, meds and his IV beeping kept us up almost every hour. I thought we would be tired and fussy this morning but we feel great! We opened a window and enjoyed the fall morning. We laid in bed and laughed and talked about every good thing we could think of. Ahhhhh. What a relief to been in a good mood. After a shower and brushing our teeth, the world should be just about perfect. Maybe we'll even get a nap!

Peaceful,
Jeff and Leta

Round 3

We are all checked in and back in the big room - 689. Jeff got here this morning and he got the best nurse. That was a great way to start. I stayed home all day and cleaned house and did laundry. I'm here with Jeff now and we are about to go to bed. His brother, Ron was here with him and I brought him a chicken fried steak from Salt Grass. So far, so good.

I'm surprised at how tired we are. We went longer between chemo rounds this time but it wasn't enough time to recoup. We are weary and Jeff is starting to seem frailer although his weight was pretty good. I think mentally it is so hard to prepare for this - knowing what is to come. We should have the final scan results by late Tuesday or Wednesday. That issue is still weighing heavy on my heart. I am going to hold a grudge for a little bit longer. Jeff has let it go and is at peace with his decision to continue treatment.

Jeff's niece, Rachel has also been battling cancer. She also received treatment at MDA. During our first trip down there they were there. Rachel and David are a lot younger than we are and we thought we would comfort them. But they were the ones who took care of and comforted us. They are strong and faithful and brave. Rachel has fought a very tough battle and just received the news that her cancer is back. It was a crushing blow to hear that news. Please pray for David and Rachel. They are young and sweet and totally undeserving of this horrible disease. Who is keeping the score? Why isn't it understood that we should only be given so much grief and heartache? There should be a limit. God, are you listening?

Bracing for the storm,
Jeff and Leta

So mad

Today has been a day.  The only way to describe it is, I'm just so mad!  We have been patient long enough and I'm finished with that.  We never heard back from Dr. Patel yesterday so we called this morning.  They still have not received our scans from MD Anderson.  Jeff personally faxed a request and they were supposed to be over nighted on Wednesday.  Guess what?  They weren't.  They were mailed out on Thursday regular delivery.  Due to be here on Tuesday.  So we called MD Anderson to see if they had recieved the scans Dr. Patel sent them.  Well you can't just call MDA.  A nurse did get back to me and said she didn't have the answer to any of my questions.  By then I was in tears.  We just want the July scans to be compared to the September scans to see how well the chemo is working.  Is that too much to ask?  Doesn't that seem logical?  Dr Patel, if it was your wife would you demand the scans?  After much back and forth the two doctors did communicate but neither one has both sets of scans.  They decided a 3rd round of chemo is the best option.  Jeff and I don't really know how we feel about that.  Jeff is going to do it but it's a big step without having all the information.  The chemo is so brutal. Dr Patel, would you take it if you didn't have exact answers about how well it was working? I want percentages and exact measurements.  I learned how to do that math in jr high.  Let's apply that to real life, now. Can you feel my fury?  I've fantasized all day about challenging Dr Patel, Dr Hwu and the people in medical records at MDA to a fair game of dodge ball.  I would LOVE to take someone's head off with a big, red, rubber ball!  My nephew Jack could be on my team and we could take them out!

Reality....... kind of sucks.  I am feeling frustrated and vulnerable when I should be hopeful and faithful.  I want a normal life.  A life where things are a little more fair and I don't cry so much.  A life where my kids don't ask me why my face is sad and we all go a whole day without worrying about anything.   Okay enough pity for me.  We will start chemo on Monday.  We are blessed to have my parents staying with our kids.  They get bacon every morning for breakfast.  Can you imagine? It's beautiful fall weather. We got about an inch of rain. Jeff is planting wheat and I know that makes him happy.  He's been at work since this morning.  I know that will give him a mental boost to put in a full day of work. Football tonight, fair tomorrow and basketball tournament on Sunday.  Busyness will keep us moving!

Still so mad,
Leta

Questions and answers

We did not get clear cut answers today as we had hoped. We got news but it's all open ended. Dr Patel has been out of town since last Thursday. He said he would call us first thing this morning. He did not. His nurse said it would be the afternoon. Cruel and unusual is what I call it! We've been waiting since Firday!!! Jeff finally called back at 2 and the nurse said hey were still waiting on the scans from MDA. What??? They were requested weeks ago. Someone didn't do their job and I hope I never find out who it was! Here's what we know.

Dr Patel thinks Jeff has had a response to the chemo although not as dramatic as he had hoped. Nothing new grew and nothing else got bigger. Jeff now only has one lesion on his liver and two on his lung. Before chemo there were a couple. He still has the tumor in the back of his throat and the two involved lymph nodes. But without the scans he can't say how much they have shrunk. He feels confident enough to let Jeff start round 3 of chemo on Monday.

We are unsettled and shaky. We want more answers and feel let down by our doctor. When it comes to your life I don't think it's too much to ask for. We are not accustomed to being treated this way. I'm trying to decide if I still like dr Patel.

When we have more information we will let you know. My Aunt Kay, whom I admire so much, said she didn't have the answers either. But she felt quite certain Jeff and I would be equipped with the tools need to get through this. I agree. And one way I see this is by all the many people that are put on our path to walk with us, love us and support us. Thanks today to Lotte, Mike and Robby. I didn't know they would be on our path today but there they were to help us shear our lambs for the fair in no time at all. Thanks for sending them, God. Perfect!

So we are going to move forward with hope for our future and love in our hearts. It should be a happy weekend before chemo on Monday. Thurday Gracie cheers and Friday Luke has a game and Saturday all three of my kids show lambs at the tri state fair. Obviously I have lost my mind. Jeff has a goal this weekend too.He wants to ride a horse and help sort cattle. I hope he does and feels like a million bucks! I love that man! Even though he drank my diet water when he was trying to gain weight. His peace offering was a full sugar Gatorade. Because that's like a diet water??? He's on my list.

Demanding of answer,
jeff And Leta

Our affirmation of faith

We are trying to stay busy today.  Jeff is at work and I'm on laundry detail.  The weather has been gorgeous and we were outside a lot this weekend.  The kids are showing lambs on Saturday at the Tri State Fair and we've been getting ready for that.  We all went to church together yesterday and got to witness a beautiful baptism and watch Jake get his 3rd grade bible.  It was all good!

We have received so many prayers and so much support.  I tell everyone that we are so thankful for it all and it is truly sustaining us.  Jeff and I talk about it all the time and we've also been in deep discussions about all the prayers.  One thing we have learned is faith is very personal and I think we all do it differently. Because of cancer we have had to fine tune what we think and what we know about our faith.  And of course it turns out that we do things differently than most.

We believe that we are all born onto this earth to love and serve one another.  And we all will die.  It's the part that's in the middle that gets complicated.  So many things can happen during our lives to cause us to question our faith.  Cancer, accidents that claim young lives, suicides.  Those things are personal to my faith.  But everyone has something.  Why do babies and children die?  Why did 9-11 happen?  The list goes on and on. Jeff and I have spent so much time lately pondering the "why". And here's our conclusion.  There is no answer that we can understand now.  Maybe when we're in heaven we will have all the answers.  But we KNOW that this is not a curse.  Jeff did not deserve or undeserve this.  This just is.  I talked before about how our life has never been ordinary.  It's been full of the highest highs and unfortunately some of the lowest lows. But what a blessing, really.  Really!  We have faith and we know that if we could hope this away, wish this away or pray it gone then HE WOULD BE CURED.  It is not a lack of those things.  And it will always be our daily prayer, Please Lord, cure Jeff of this cancer and let him live his life to feel good, work hard and watch his children grow.

But if Jeff dies of this disease it will not be because of anything we did or didn't do or said or didn't say or prayed or didn't pray.  It will just be.  And the outcome is already written.   Although the thought of Jeff dying of cancer is not what we want it will NOT effect our faith.  We will still give God all the glory for the blessings in our life.  We always go back to our first affirmation.  We are all born into this world to love and serve one another.  It's not about us.  And of course we're selfish and think sometimes that it is but that's not the reason we're here.

I hope this doesn't come across that we've given up because we haven't.  I truly believe that if anyone can beat the odds it is Jeff Smith. I want him here with me.  I want him here!   We will do everything we can.  And we will never give up hope.  

We sang it at church yesterday and it means a lot today:
Lord, give us peace, and
Make us calm and sure.
That in thy strength we evermore endure.

Faithful servants,
Jeff and Leta

The big wait

Jeff's CT scans will be on Friday morning. That is very good news! The frustrating part is Dr Patel will be out of town through Tuesday. Jeff and I went to the car after our appointment and processed that info. We decided we dont want the dr on call to give us our results. So we were very brave and marched back into the dr's office and told him that. These scans and the results are huge! And it's not just reading the scans it's also comparing the new scans to the old ones to see if the cancer spots are shrinking. So the bad news is we will have to wait until Wednesday yo get the results. That is a long time!!!! But I think it's the right choice. We don't want to get any mis-information.

I'm sure the next week will be hard for us. Were ready to stay busy and pep talk each other as much as possible. There will probably be some desperate posting on my part. And I may even lose my cool if slightly provoked.

Thank goodness for cooler weather! I hope I can spend a lot of time outside walking and working in the yard. Plus they finally got my floor in so I need to put my house back together. Yes keeping busy will work!

Crazy as ever,
Jeff and Leta

Goodness

The weather is cooler, we got a rain and Jeff is feeling good again. What else could you want? Jeff is eating again and is just about to go to work for a little while. We are waiting to hear from the dr about CT scan appointments. They should be sometime the next week. We assume it is good to wait and let the full effects of the 2 rounds of chemo do their job before checking to see if the treatment is working. I love that Jeff's dr is calm and patient. He balances out our hysteria.

I wanted to tell you about one of the biggest blessings for me. I appreciate SO much the people sending meals to us. It has been the best gift. My friend Christy brought food out last night and I told her it's really not about the food, it's all about the love! Although the food has been great too. Thank you so much for smothering us in all the care and love. It has filled us up!

Hopeful,
Jeff and Leta

Eat!

We just got back from the dr's visit and it went pretty well. He was mildly concerned with Jeff's weight. He was down to 174. He weighed 206 last week. That's just very hard on your body. And today's loss was probably a reflection of fluid loss. He doesn't want Jeff to lose anymore bady mass. So he put Jeff on a medicine to stimulate his appetite. I had no idea that kind of thing even existed. I will be careful not to let something like that get into the wrong hands! Wouldn't want someone like me to even get a drop of that stuff! I'll be sure and wear gloves when I handle that substance!

Dr Patel said to plan on scans for the next week or two. Were so happy to do the scans here and not have to return to MD Anderson. Dr Patel has been so kind in every way possible to communicate with our dr's down there. I can't imagine what our lives would be if we had to do chemo in Houston. Thankful!!!

Yesterday I had a couple of people comment to me about how brave Jeff and I are. Just wanted to comment on that. We don't feel all that brave. In fact we are pretty scared and full of anxiety most of the time. There are daily tears and constant doubts. We do try our best to fill ourselves with hope and faith. But honestly it is impossible at times. We have tried to give up control over the situation and just let it be. We pray for a cure and we pray for peace. Whenever you love us, pray for us, and lift us up we are soothed. We do have those moments of calmness. We will never look at anything in the same way. We have been changed but hopefully not scarred. We are mad,sad and frightened but hopefully not bitter. My hope for this blog is to show you in all honesty how we are living with Jeff's cancer. We are not even close to perfect but out truth is sincere. Even though we stumble daily, our faith is absolute. It will all be okay.

A little shaky,
Jeff and Leta

Secret of life according to Jeff and Leta

We're in the rough days. Chemo is bad and recovery is almost worse. These are the pep talk days. I keep telling Jeff by the end of the week he will be strong enough for Luke to drive him around to check cattle. It's hard to be patient. Jeff has lost 10 lbs but still has another 20 or so to go. His rash is gone but all the edema has caused his skin to itch and peel.

This morning I was feeling a little insecure about all of this so I Googled Interleukin 2. I know that can be dangerous. Sometimes it's more information than you want. Words like "grim" can sting! But I had just had a big cup of coffee and was feeling brave. It was good news/okay news. The good news is that most ALL people on Interleukin 2 respond exactly like Jeff. The list of common side effects described Jeff. One sentence was hard to read. "There is no relationship between the presence or severity of side effects and the effectiveness of the medication." Sting! In our minds this treatment HAS to be working. But then I kept reading and felt a little better to know, "It is the only drug available that even has a possibility of a profoundly positive and lengthy effect." Its Jeff's only chance of treatment. He's got to to it.

So how do we make sense of all this information and up and down feelings? We tried to make it as simple as possible. Today we will try to give and receive as much goodness as we can. There it is. The secret of life according to Jeff and Leta. It's not entirely profound but it works for us today.

Love,
Jeff and Leta

Friends

Jeff and I had some great talks last night. We are both so tired but can't seem to really sleep. We doze and then wake up from anxiety and weird dreams. So we just talked. We really like to just basically count our blessings. So last night I was telling him about all the emails, phone calls, text messages and visits. He was very comforted by all of that. During a crisis like cancer you really find assurance in your true friends. Yes, a few people have surprised us and have left us in the dust but cancer is scary and it might be too much for some people. But really that's how we want it. No drama, just love and support. And that's how real friends do it anyway. Jeff gave the best example,"I thinks it's funny when people see me and ask how I'm doing. I always say great even though that's not the truth at all. My real friends know what I mean and are asking because they sincerely want to know how I am. And people who ask so they can gossip or just make conversation don't really care about the answer anyway."
We've got into the habit of calling our friends and family "our team". We love to think of it that way. It's a group of people all working toward and wanting the same goal. And a team wants to win! Thanks again for being on our team. We feel like were unbeatable together. We will fight and win and beat cancer!

Exhausted,
Jeff and Leta

Home tomorrow

We are happy to report that things are good enough for Jeff to go home tomorrow. He's out of the fog and more himself today. He has gained 28 lbs since Monday. Unbelievable! We just weighed him and he's down 4 lbs. Good but not great. His kidney function is better but still not back to normal. They've put him back on pain meds because of his terrible thrush infection. This time that seems to be his biggest complaint.

We are anxious to be going home tomorrow. We are so tired and weary. Jeff describes the after effects of chemo as being run over by a truck. We decided to only think in terms of today. The future is too much to handle. So for today things are better. Chemo is over for now and Jeff is on the mend. Thanks for all the love and prayers.

Peace,
Jeff and Leta

Finished with Round 2

Dr. Patel just came by and stopped the chemo. Jeff's kidneys couldn't take anymore and his rash was a million times worse. He took about 90% this time. I'm sad but relieved. Jeff is still out of it and doesn't know. The good news is he should start to improve by the minute and get to go home tomorrow or Sunday.

Jeff will have more CAT scans in about 2 weeks to see if the chemo is working. If it is he will continue the chemo for up to 6 rounds. That is our prayer now. That this torture has been worth it and it is killing the cancer.

Leta

Just a little breakdown

Our second wind yesterday lasted about 30 minutes. I was kidding myself that we would coast through the end. Things are very intense. Last night Jeff's rash got worse which makes him so uncomfortable. He officially hit 200 lbs and his kidneys are starting to show that they're working too hard. But the worst part for me is he is starting to hallucinate. He was so upset with me last night that I continued to park my car in our room. I couldn't convince him there was no car. He started to say some spooky stuff and I lost my mojo and had the big cry in front of three nurses. I'm sure they think I've lost my mind too. It was just so hard to see Jeff like that. He's usually my rock and so dependable and in charge. I just couldn't take it. Of course when the nurses came to check on him he said, "My name is Jeff and I'm 44 years old. I'm at BSA in the hospital receiving chemo." Huh! I guess he just saves all the crazy love for me. They called the doctor and he said hallucinations are common at this point in the chemo. So I'm looking forward to the next 36 hours. His last dose of Interleuken will start tonight and run 24 hours.

I'm very sad that I will miss Luke's first game tonight. I thought I might be able to go for a minute but it's now obvious I can't leave Jeff. Please cheer for the cowboys if you're in Happy tonight. #90 just shaved his head for his Daddy! I love that boy SO much. I told him the other night that it's no fair to go through adolecense the same time your Dad has cancer. He is really struggling. So if you can, try to get close enough to put some love on that 240 lb boy. He will resist!

A special thanks today for all my family and friends who have taken care of me and Jeff and the kids. It seems like an impossible task. We have so many needs and miraculously they are all being met. I'm very humbled to witness Gods love through so many people.

I'm going to drink a giant coffee and start my day. Here I go. Well I might watch the Today Show for a minute but then I'm going to get going, I swear!

Fraying at the ends,
Jeff and Leta (mostly Leta, Jeff is totally out of it)

He's doing it!

Dr. Patel just stopped by and said Jeff is doing great and thinks he will be able to withstand 100% of the Interleuken 2 this time. What great news! His blood counts are normal and his rash is better thanks to a simple antihistimine. We are managing his pain and trying to get a handle on the new thrush infection that he has in his mouth and throat. Yuck!

One funny moment: He was having terrible pain last night in his hips and stomach. I was getting worried until we figured out he was just strangling in his underwear. I know that sounds crazy but it all made sense when they weighed him. He's up nearly 20 lbs!!! His skin is starting to get tight and shiny. They're giving him more Lasix today so I hope he doesn't retain more fluid. We still have 48 hours to go. He is scheduled to start his last dose of interleuken Friday evening but it takes 24 hours for the full dose to drip in. I hope we are home by Sunday.

Thanks for all the support and prayers. We feel like we've got a second wind and I hope it sustains us. It doesn't seem so scary today. It's bad but we know more of what to expect. I guess that's our normal now. Lesson learned: Dont let your underwear get too tight!

Love,
Jeff and Leta

Tough

Jeff is hanging in there today. All the horrible symptoms have returned. Fever, bright red rash and 15 extra lbs of fluid. I think his pain is better managed this time and he hasn't had the hiccups. A lot of the time he is really out of it which I think is the most humane way to take this kind of chemo. As unaware as possible. But he will have moments of lucidness and wants to talk about everything going on. He is very aware of the seriousness of the situation. We often debate treatment or not. To undergo this with only 10% odds of a cure are sure enough reason to question treatment. But I want to tell you how tough Jeff Smith is. He's always been tough. Ironically his Daddy was chronically ill all of Jeff's childhood. He took on great responsibility at a very young age to work on their farm. He has always pushed himself physically and mentally to get the job done. No one I know works harder than Jeff! He put himself through college and was the first in his family to get a degree. He worked to get his family out of debt and also started his own business. We agreed this morning that he's "trained" his whole life for this moment, to be this tough. If anyone can do this it's Jeff. And he is going to do this. He's doing it for himself but also for me and Luke and Gracie and Jake. He's showing his kids how to take a bad situation and still give it your all.
Sorry to be so serious today. It's a hard day. Tomorrow I will tell you all the ways Jeff drives me crazy and how we are SO not perfect! Today we just had to feel a little of the gloom and doom.
Hanging in there,
Jeff and Leta

Chemo is a dirty rotten whore

Sorry to use such horrific language but there are two reasons I picked that phrase. During the first round, when Jeff was in the fog of chemo and medications, that was his favorite cuss word. And I thought it was hilarious! Not very commonly used, Jeff said it repeatedly when anything went wrong or bothered him. I would like to clarify that we would never call anyone a dirty rotten whore - that would be rude. You just say it when you're referring to cancer or when you stub your toe. Lots of people don't know that about Jeff. He's very funny. Quiet but witty. And a lot of times you don't know if he's joking or not. He thinks that is hilarious. Together we've had a lot of laughter. We've always fit together great that way. That's where a lot of out chemistry is. I love that part about us!

The second reason I chose that phrase today is because Jeff is back in agony with round 2 of chemo. It is just so nasty! Jeff said today, "Chemo is simple. It either kills you or it kills the cancer." Dirty rotten whore. See how that phrase works?

So please keep praying for Jeff. Please pray this chemo kills the cancer and we live through the agony.

Faithful as always,
Jeff and Leta

Hello, Matt Lauer

We hit another side effect.  Hair loss.  We knew it was coming because  all 5 kinds of chemo Jeff took listed that as a side effect.  It was just a different experience than what we thought.  It didn't fall out slowly or gradually.  It came out in giant clumps.  We were surprised because we didn't even think Jeff had that much hair.  It started Thursday afternoon but we didn't have time to do anything.  We were on the way to Luke's football game so Jeff just put on a cap and we went. Jeff got to go to the game!!!  Yesterday we had the big debate over whether to shave it or leave it.  Shaving your head can make you feel a little vulnerable, to say the least.  But after walking around for a day looking like Pigpen from Peanuts in a haze of flying, shedding  hair, Jeff sat on the porch and I shaved his head.  And now he looks like Matt Lauer.  That's not a bad look at all!!!  My brother, George and my brother in law, Sean are going to shave their heads tonight in solidarity to Jeff.  How cool is that? Luke is still thinking about it and Jake coincidentally got a buzz yesterday for school. We read an article about a wife who shaved her head with her husband, who was going thru chemo.  Jeff and I had a little chuckle over that because we both know I would NEVER shave my head.  I love him and all, but I am not that kind of girl.  Again, I know that's not very flattering of myself but I'm putting the truth right out there.

We are looking forward to tomorrow.  Lots of family time before the start of school and the start of chemo.  How special they start on the same day.  Very convienent!  Like I said before, faith, love, grace and determination will get us through.  We're ready.  Here we go again!

Countdown

Jeff had a good report at the doctor yesterday.  Again he was amazed at how well Jeff looked.  He was pretty confident that Jeff would start chemo again on Monday.  And blood test results today confirmed that.  His blood work was great and he's not neutropenic.  Which means he has enough white blood cells to fight any infections. That's good news.

This morning we started to process that information.  We have been very distracted by the previous chemo, rash, reactions and rebounding.  Today it started to sink in that Jeff is about to do all of that again.  Oh right,  he's got cancer.  Funny how we weren't worried about that for a moment - too worried about other things.  So for the next week we are going to try and stay happy and focused.  The dr told Jeff to try and gain as much weight as possibly.  Really? Seriously? Yes, I heard the words.  Wouldn't that be a treat? "Please eat as much of anything that you want!"  We are going to try and remain calm and face Round 2 with dignity and determination.  The kids will be in school this time and I don't know if that will be harder or easier. Probably a little of both.

One sobering moment that is kind of a blessing too.  Jake, our 9 year old said to me last week, "Momma, do you know what the scariest thing in the world is?  It would be if you and Daddy both had cancer."  Why do 9 year olds have to be so observant and smart?  I told him," Yes, that is one of the scariest things I can think of.  But, today I don't have cancer.  Daddy does but he's okay right now.  No matter what happens in the future you will always be surrounded by people that will love you and take care of you.  We can't worry about tomorrow we just have to count our blessings today." Of course we had to hold each other for a while but then we both felt better.  It is the scariest thing for all of us.  But no matter what, it will all be okay.  That's not just my promise, it's our faith and the promise we've based our whole life on.

Eye of the storm

I am so happy to report that Jeff is feeling better.  Significantly better!  This is such a unexpected blessing.  When he got so sick from the chemo, I didn't think there was anyway he could rebound this quickly.  But it appears that he will have some "good time" in between chemo.  Yippee!  He is still feeling weak but his rash is gone, his mind is clear and he had enough energy yesterday to do a number of things.  Here's a list:  Check cattle, check sprinklers, and check water.  He also plowed our roping arena.  I noticed he waited until I wasn't home to do that!  He moved the roping dummy from the barn to our front yard so he could practice roping.  I'm sure he practiced for more than a minute!  I haven't seen him on a horse but I'm quite positive that will happen sometime this week.

We have another blood test today.  We will also ask the dr when his next chemo will begin.  What are the odds it will be the first day of school?  Nothing to do that day!  But we don't know what determines when round 2 will start.  Blood counts?  It's on our list of questions.

Jeff has lost some weight. 8  lbs.  Which isn't a lot but he didn't have a lot to lose.  His appetite is back so I'm trying to fill him with calories!!! I hope he can gain some of that back.  We hadn't really thought about that side effect.  If he lost 20 lbs he would be very skinny!  I can't imagine him losing any more than that.  We'll see.

Blessings:
We are all healthy.  No colds or viruses to worry about.
Lots of laughing going on in our house!
We found out there is a calm between the storms!  We will love it while we have it.  Extra food and laughing - what could be better than that?

Peaceful,
Jeff and Leta