We are home and it's tough right now. Jeff is weak and nauseous. He's not the real Jeff at all. The kids are happy we're home but it's not the same with their Daddy. I think they get a little mad at him. Adjustments are hard and we expect this now. We all eventually have a melt down in our own particular way. I'm a big crier and so is Jake. Luke and Gracie like to be mad at us (they are teens) so I think that's normal.
For a while last year Jeff and I went to counseling. It was kind of weird for us. I never imagined us doing that. I started going because I have some major grief issues and when Jeff was diagnosed it hit me harder than I could imagine. I've already lost so many people in my life that I tremendously loved! Tremendously!! My brother, Charles, and my two beautiful, wonderful and young cousins, Lauren and Emily - back to back. When Jeff was diagnosed with a rare and deadly cancer it was almost more than I could bear. I sunk into a deep depression and finally sought help with counseling and medication. I've told very few people about that. It's personal and intimate information but I think that many people that go thru cancer have a similar experience. So I'm writing about it tonight because I finally feel confident and willing to share that information. I went through Samaritan counseling which is church based and even found a Presbyterian counselor. He was very kind and let me tell him my long, dramatic story. Eventually Jeff joined me and he even went to a couple of sessions by himself. We haven't been back since last spring. Reality hit and Jeff's cancer metastized and we've been focused only on Jeff. But it was overall a good experience. I think now I'm probably just as upset and fragile but I've got too many things to take care of that I can't focus on how upset I am right now. And I think Jeff is the same way. He's too sick to go right now and doesn't have the energy. But I wanted to put that out there. We don't feel any shame or stigma about it. If you need it - do it!
Here's how we feel today. Okay. Blessed. Hopeful. Jeff and I had a long talk last night. Another "why me" and "why is this happening?" We still don't know. But really we are okay with it all. It's funny but for the last 20 plus years that we have known each other we have constantly said, "We are blessed. Everything important in life we have been blessed with." We said that at first because we were so young and poor and had nothing but the love for each other. Then we continued to say it as we were blessed with beautiful, perfect children. We said it as we built our business and put all our faith and trust in God. We said it as our marriage and love for each other grew. We've always said it. Repeat - We've always said it! Sincerely. And today we are SO thankful we did. Because we really meant it and now as our life and faith are tested we are reassured by our own words. We are blessed. We are! We have built a life that is full of love and prosperity. We love our family and our friends and we are surrounded by them in our darkest hour. We didn't start saying or feeling those things because of Jeff's cancer. We always had it. What a blessing!!! It is sustaining us today. Our prayer now is for all of you to say it. Today when your life is as perfect as you think it is. Say it! Please say it. "I am blessed. Everything important in life I have been blessed with." I urge you to say it. That is my prayer for you.
Blessed, vulnerable but okay,
Jeff and Leta
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