I loved him

I loved him so much.  I truly did.  The first time I saw him I knew.  We met in high school.  He was a junior and I was a sophomore at Canyon High School.  We had typing together.  Mrs. Cotton - I'll never forget.  He was  a cowboy and I was ....... not.  I loved drama and music and  and being popular.         ( Can you picture that?) I had a huge crush on him and he paid no attention to me.  Fast forward four years to WT.  We saw each other at a Maine's Brothers dance in the Activity Center.  I knew he was the one and he said he didn't remember my name but he had dreamed about me for years.  True story.  We were together from that day on.  I told him I loved him every day - unless I was SO mad at him.  I hugged and kissed him everyday.  He loved me too.  He wanted to have 5 kids.  I told him he should have married me when I was 14.  He was smart and funny and he worked so hard.  I thought he was the cutest boy I had ever seen.  He thought he was always right and he drove me crazy.  I always won and he was good with that.

So today, one year later, I'm thinking about him.  Today I am remembering, and I am  overwhelmingly sad.  But I am choosing happiness.  I'm choosing life and I'm choosing to go on.  He would be so mad if I didn't.  This will not be the end of me or my kids.  Instead of marking this day as something that haunts me,  I will take this day to be thankful for the time I had with a wonderful man.  The older I get the more I realize that we had something that was special and unique.  Man it was a gift!  I will cherish it always and hold it close.

I swear I'm smiling.

Leta

September

I can't believe it's September.  I honestly can't believe it.  This is a very tough time for me and the kids, because our memories of this time last year are seared into our brains.  Jeff was sick for almost 3 years and a lot of that is blurry and lost due to stress.  But we remember last year.  We remember how sick he was and how all we wanted was for him to get better and at the same time we wanted his suffering to be over.  I remember school starting and how the kids didn't want to go and Jeff didn't want them to either.  I remember Luke facing his senior year and football starting.  I remember Gracie and Jake being so lost all the time  and finally realizing their Daddy was going to die.  I remember being so scared, terrified.  I couldn't imagine losing him and living without him.  But here I am, almost a year later.  Luke has started college and is planting his first wheat crop on his own.  Gracie and Jake are back in school and our little family of 3 is tight.  

This year was something I could never have envisioned.  I would certainly say I will never be the same.  I don't know if I'm better or worse but my sense of self, being a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend are still intact.  I've gone back to kickboxing.  I read a lot.  I've drank a lot of wine.  I've laughed with friends. I volunteered. I've felt sorry for myself.  I've hauled sheep all over the state of Texas with my kids.  I sometimes sleep.  I still wear my wedding ring.  I went on a couple of vacations. I have purposely not read any books on grief. I've gone back to church more.  I'm still slightly mad at God but trying not to be.  I cry more than the average person.  I talk about Jeff and tell stories about him, especially to the kids.  I've appreciated that life has gone on.  I've celebrated in the birth of new babies.  I've had to check the "widow" box on forms.  I've met people that don't know my husband died of cancer and I didn't tell them.  I've shared my grief with friends who also lost loved ones this year to cancer.  I've been optimistic.  I've been a pessimist.  I don't go out to the farm much because I can't bear to love that place without Jeff in it. I've been places and thought I'd seen Jeff.  I've spontaneously thought I should call Jeff to tell him something important.  I've prayed a lot.  I've been hopeful.  I've been really, really sad.  I have tried to fill myself with love and peace in a way that will center me and anchor me so that I can stand straight, walk forward into life and raise my kids.  It's all I know to do.  

Maybe one day I will write the book on grief.

Leta

The Reality of it All

The reality is our lives are moving on - whether we want them to or not.  Life is pulling us forward and we are part of that motion.  At moments we are involved and participating with that call and at other times we are simply in the stream and being moved along.

The reality is we don't cry every day anymore but at times we cry harder than ever.  I'm talking about me and Luke and Gracie and Jake.  We think about "this time last year" and we remember all the time.
We try to remember the times before cancer and death and we can't understand what we used to be.

The reality is Luke graduated from high school last week and we did it without Jeff.  It was unreal and unbelievable.  He was here and now he's not.  Luke is desperately needing his Daddy and memories aren't containing us.  Reality is sometimes more than we can take.

The reality is we are surrounded by friends and family that are loving us through all of this.  But there are those that still hurt us.  Luke received a gift and card for graduation that said these words, "I am so sorry for the loss your family has endured this last year.  I believe the Devil thought it would destroy you......"  The author went on to tell us how much God loves us.  Really.  I wish I could have saved Luke from reading that card.  Just one more sting.  How dare you assume the devil would destroy us.

The reality is the devil is not among us.  We are choosing love and goodness.  To tell us otherwise is ignorant and wrong. You don't know us.  You have never lost someone or you would have never written those words.  We are wiser than you and I know my children in ways that most parents don't.  We are a team.  My children are too young to define themselves, but I know who I am.  I am not a judge.  And I will surround myself with people who share in my tolerance and peace.  And I will raise my children in that kind of love and never in that kind of fear. Never.

The reality is we are changing.  We are defining ourselves as a different family.  Three kids and a mom.   And soon it will be a son at college and a two kids and a mom.  It's not who we thought we would be but it's who we are and we will be that. And we will be okay with that.

The reality is we are more sensitive.  That  reality will serve us and also cause us more grief, but it is true.  We will always look for the good but be we are aware of all that can go wrong.  We will hope for the best but know the definition of the worst.  When we love you, we will mean it.  But when you hurt us you will wound us in ways that will deepen our scars.  My children will grow into life with an understanding of life and death and love and trust that most of their peers won't understand.

The reality is Jeff died over 8 months ago and we are still grieving that loss.  The end is not in sight.  We are living our lives and moving forward.  We experience good things everyday and have all the hope in the world for our future.  We are going to put as much love as we can out into the world that God created for us.  We are not going to hate or condemn or judge, no matter what the world throws at us.

Wow.  I just wrote all of that and I really meant every word.

Leta

Wishes

Of course we all wish for things all the time. And recently we all wished that another violent tragedy had not occurred.  The kids and I have given up on wishing because we have a very different perspective.

Someone made the comment to me how lucky I was that Jeff didn't die suddenly.  We had time to plan and say goodbye.  We had time to get some perspective.  After I gritted my teeth, counted to ten and took pause,  I tried to see her point.  Yes we did have some of those things, that is true.  But we also had no innocence to our situation.  We knew he was going to die and we could do nothing about that.  The level of anxiety and grief that we lived with was tremendous.  I don't know that I could ever choose.  Neither scenario is "lucky".  But I do want to share my opinion about wishes.  Jake told me the other night how he wished his Daddy was still alive.  But he said he couldn't wish that because he didn't want him to have to be alive with cancer.  So he really wished two things, that Jeff didn't have cancer and he didn't die.  And Jake didn't know if it was fair to ask for so much.

And now I will tell you about the worse kind of wishing.  When Jeff was so sick and in pain and not Jeff anymore.  When he wasn't really living and didn't know where he was.  When he hallucinated and begged to be free from his pain.  When there was no chance for cure or hope or comfort, we wished he would die.  We really did.  How horrible are we?  We just wanted the suffering to stop, for all of us.  Because we all were suffering.  And now that he is gone  we are still wishing.  But now it is more remembering.  We know he's not coming back and we are trying to remember all the good and funny things about Jeff.

Our grief is cycling.  Good times and bad times.  Every shooting or bombing or car wreck or accident touches our tender hearts.  Because we know that whether you die suddenly or not, you still do a lot of wishing that your life was different.

Leta

A Break

There has been a unexpected break. Isn't that just how life is? You think it's one way and then it's not. Repeat that to yourself. That is my life and you have no idea. The break is not earth shattering, but very meaningful. I am volunteering at school. Those are some small words but they are working for me. I use to teach school - 14 years ago was my last day, the day Gracie was born. I've been home ever since. I've been busy raising kids, paying the bills, keeping the house, cooking, cleaning, taking care of a sick husband. I really do need to redefine myself! So a couple of weeks ago I jumped at the chance, hesitantly, and volunteered in 3rd and 4th grade to help them get ready for the STAAR test. I've been there everyday for 3 weeks and those children have breathed their joy and energy right into me. It's been an unexpected blessing that I will gladly take. I should have remembered. I should have known. Children can do that. I am moving in a familiar way and stretching some forgotten muscles. Man, those kids! Loving them all. Being on my A Game. Doing my best. Trying to be patient. Teaching them and helping our school. Thank you God for this little moment. And bless those children. Here's my secret. When I talk to them, when I help them, when I teach them I also pray over them. And it is healing me. My family is doing well. My kids are growing and adjusting and moving forward. Gracie is 14 on Monday. Luke will graduate in May. Jake is so much happier. Life is moving forward and we seem to have jumped into the current that is moving us along. Love, Leta

On the Road Again

The kids and I just returned from the San Antonio Stock Show.  Two weeks before that we were at the Ft Worth Stock Show.  It has been great fun - a total escape from reality.  I didn't realize how much we needed to get away.  We were away from our regular routine and the feeling of just having to get through a day.  Things were new and everything was different and no one gave us that "sad, I feel sorry for you" look.  It was bliss!  And we were thankful for that break.

The kids have done pretty good showing their sheep.  Gracie made the sale at SA.  Of course we were trying to make sure that happened for Luke since he's a senior but it didn't turn out that way.  His lamb did get pulled by the judge but didn't place high enough to make the sale.   He handled it like a champ.  We are counting it as a success for the Smith Family!

Jake was a wild ten year old boy most of the time and drove us crazy.  Until he really had to work and pay attention and then he did and he was positively adorable!  I took some beautiful pictures of him showing his sheep.  And for three seconds I started to forward it to Jeff.  Because that's what I do every year.  He's still with us all the time.  Even when we are escaping from reality.

We got home and it's almost worse than when we left.  Because he's still not here.  It doesn't feel quite right.  It's not 100% home.  We are wanting that feeling.  We need the "Ah, it's good to be home."  We need it to be just right.  We need it to feel comforting, cozy and safe.  It does a little but not enough.

So that's where we are, trying to be happy and normal but still grieving so much.  I think we are healing.  We are still able to love a lot so I think that's a good sign.  And I watch my kids accept the love and kindness from others.  It's just like dessert.  Yes, I'd like some more!

Houston Stock show is in three weeks.  Yippee!

Leta

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Anger and frustration are giving way to super sadness.  It's a kind of sadness I never knew existed.  And my sadness is magnified a million times by watching my children suffer.  We are entering a new phase of grieving and I want it to be over.  Honestly,  I just pray for time to pass quickly.

Last week was our County Stock Show.  It was a painful blessing.  Jeff grew up showing steers in Randall County - just like his kids, only they show sheep.   You all know by now I never set foot in a barn until the day I met Jeff Smith.  The irony in this situation is stock showing is something I did more with the kids than Jeff.  He was so busy and I was the one with all the time.  I learned to haul a trailer, give a lamb a shot and was by far a better shearer than Jeff.  Huh!!  It is a time that I shared with the kids more than Jeff.  But his presence was deeply missed.

Last Saturday we were back in his old stomping grounds.  And I had not properly prepared me or the kids for the experience.  About ten minutes before the show I was approached and asked if they could dedicate the show in Jeff's memory.  What an honor!! And what a surprise.  I scrambled to steady myself and tell the kids.  We did well to hold it together.  So many beautiful and gracious gestures were made.  Our Happy 4H donated money to the lamb showmanship winners. (Gracie won the Jr Showmanship) It ended up to be an impossible day.

I don't ever want to sound ungrateful.  I'm not.  But it is so hard.  So many people wanted to talk about Jeff and we just wanted to be normal.  I know that is a horrible thing to say but it's how we felt and I'm just saying it.  Right or wrong - it just is.  People were so kind and emotional.  I cried and cried and tried to take in all the goodness.  Eventually I hid in the car with my friend Jennifer and drank a beer and lost my mojo.  But I found a balance and went back in and faced it all and finished the day.  I was so lucky to be surrounded by friends and family that held me up all day.

One big thought that was with me all day, this time last year (One. Year. Ago) we had just found out the chemo didn't work.  We told the kids and decided to go to the stock show anyway.  I can't believe it's been a year.

We are wounded.  And I worry that the scars are permanent.  Like we will never be okay.  But..... I try to let that go.  I'm trying to love my kids and do things like stock show.  I'm trying.  And they're trying. We really are. Please continue to hold us close and hug us and talk to us and be with us.  Even if we don't want to talk about it or even if we cry.  It's still us.  Me and Luke and Gracie and Jake.  We still need you.  Even when we don't show it.

Loving you all,
Leta

Onward

We are moving on into a new year.  I won't even try to imagine what this year will hold for my family.  I gave up on that a long time ago.  No resolutions.  No expectation.  It's just better that way.  Our only goal is just to keep on going.
We made it through Christmas and it was surprisingly okay.  The kids were very distracted by presents.  We were around a lot of family but they were "fun chaos" and helped fill our time.  Now we are back to reality and a busy schedule.  Of course we would all glue ourselves to the TV and couch in a second if we could.  We fight those feelings everyday.   We don't really want to do anything, we just are because we are supposed to.  Another strange feeling is how selfish we feel right now.  It is ALL about us and how we feel.  And how other people or things or events make us feel.  It's impossible to shake right now but I hope our perspective changes back to a healthy view eventually.  In the mean time I hope we aren't walking around offending people all the time.  I've said it before, we are not ourselves.
I've recently gotten a lot of business things finalized and taken care of.  Jeff was meticulous in setting things up for me and the kids.  When he wasn't able to physically work he mentally was still in the game and got a lot done.  There were many things I didn't know he was doing and am just finding out now.  But it's still been hard.  I've had to check the box marked "widow" and it took my breath away and rebroke my heart.  I've had two people at the grocery store ask me how Jeff was doing.  I've really got to stop going to the grocery store!  I'm having to do things that Jeff always took care of.  And just because I don't like them doesn't give me the option of not doing them.
I'm praying for endurance.  I'm praying for little shots of happiness for me and the kids - really my kids.  I'm praying for less anxiety and more peace.  I'm praying that depression and bitterness don't invade.  I'm praying that time will go quickly and that healing will hurry up.

Leta

I'm also really and truly praying for rain.  It's starting to get a little spooky!

Comfort for us all

During Jeff's illness we sought a lot of comfort. We looked for people and words and things to ease our pain. I carried around a notebook with important information and things that were special to me. It had some pictures and some prayers that I looked at a lot. I haven't opened the notebook in months but I moved it the other day and a piece of paper containing a prayer must have fallen out. I found it today. I need to share it because I think we all need to be sharing the things that comfort us.  It's really more of a commission, a blessing.  It's something very special to me.

 The words were written by my cousin John to my Aunt Kay.  John was comforting her as she grieved the loss of her daughter, Lauren.  The prayer wasn't about me or Jeff but we held on to it like it was.  We read it a lot.  And today I think there are a lot of people that can hold on to it.  The words are meant for all of us, especially those who are hurting so much today.

"May God, the father of all, firmly set you in the moment,
May you be suffocated by love,
May you have the courage and fortitude to cry, yell, appreciate silence, revel in "keeping busy," and find an interval of laughter.
May the MERCY of Jesus Christ follow all your works.
May your hands find joy, do goodness, and demonstrate love.
May the militant action of the Holy Spirit bring you the Grace of God in whatever moment you find yourself."

We need to generate more mercy, more love for one another and more tolerance to everyone.  I'm in short supply but I am going to do my best.

Leta

12-12-12

It's supposed to be a lucky day. I don't know if I believe in luck but it would be nice to have a good day. Life is continuing to move us along. We are busy. We are sad. We're a little lost. We're trying our best. We're wanting Jeff everyday and some of us are VERY mad. I've come to the conclusion that you have to feel it all sooner or later. So here we are swimming in it. It's not fun and after only three months we are pretty sure there is no ending to this sorrow or a chance we will ever be happy again. The kids and I have one big secret. We can fake it. We can go out in public, we can be around people and we can smile and even laugh. But our little family knows the truth. So we are trying to get through this horrible holiday season. We put up our tree and decorations and lights. We are going through the motions. We didn't go or participate in the Christmas pageant. I don't know if we will go to Christmas Eve church. We limit our exposure to Christmas carols on the radio. And happy, jolly people - well, we steer away from them. The kids are still all in for presents though. Football is over and all 3 kids are playing basketball. They all want to just be normal and be with their friends. I'm trying not to hover and hold on too tight. Luke got accepted to Texas Tech and WTAMU. I'm sure he'll go to Tech. He deserves that wonderful experience! Gracie and Jake and I can't even talk about how much we'll miss him. Stock show season is quickly approaching and we will be headed to Ft Worth, San Antonio and Houston. So I'm glad our time will be filled. I've decided to keep up the blog for a little bit longer. I think it will be something the kids will want to read when they're adults. There must be so much they can't understand or process right now. And maybe me too. Leta

Some A+ Days

We had some really good moments last weekend and I was thankful. And it's been hard to be thankful lately. I am but I don't want to have to express it right now. Everyone is writing on Facebook all the things they are thankful for and it just makes me mad. I'm going to let myself be mad this year. But not so long that I get bitter. Just a little cranky. So we had two A+ moments last weekend. It was Luke's last home game of the season and it was senior night. All the parents go on the field and stand by their child as they are introduced. I really dreaded it, so much that I was afraid I would lose my shit right there on the field in front of my son and everybody. But it went okay. I just looked at him and thought about how proud I was and how much I loved him. I knew Jeff had to be enjoying the moment with us. It was very sad but I kept it together like a good normal mother should. Luckily I had my friends and sisters close by if I needed them. Thank you: Katie, Sally, Daddy, Kim and Jimmy, Tygh and Chad, Matt and Missy and Jennifer. Instead we huddled together and watched a great game and cheered like maniacs when Luke scored a touchdown. We won the game and my son had a very happy night! A+ Then on Saturday we had a lamb jackpot show. Luke was working so our friend Marleigh went with us to help. We ended up with a Reserve Grand Champion lamb and Gracie won showmanship. A+ So we do have some good things going on in our lives. The holidays are close and I'd just as soon cancel and run of to a beach somewhere. But I'm guessing the reality is turkey with all my family and a lot of chaos. It's what we know! I baked 5 potatoes Sunday night instead of 4. I cried my eyes out. It is so hard everyday. I miss him so much. I ache for him to hold me. So do the kids. We are struggling to get through these days. If you get a postcard from Cancun - it was me and you'll know why. Leta

Caught off guard

Just when I seem to have my emotions in check, something unexpected will catch me off guard and shake me up. Yesterday I found Jeff's check book and I looked at the last check he wrote. It was to his brother for fence repairs on August 22nd. It just doesn't seem that long ago when he wrote it. Woosh! How can that be? How can it be that he was here in August and he is not here now? That one little check was more than I could take. I am surrounded by all his things and yet looking at his handwriting on that check threw me into a free fall. That is how my life is going right now. Lots of good things and friends and even laughing. But we are so fragile right now. My back has been bothering me for a couple of weeks. I finally went to the doctor when I couldn't sleep because of it. She explained it like this. People with extreme stress throw off a lot of adrenaline and it can manifest itself in a lot of different ways. Some people get migraines or ulcers or like me - back spasms. Hmmmm. I didn't even get to pick what I wanted! She said it is completely normal and it is the body's response to stress. I think that meant I'm not totally crazy - she said normal! The only alarming thing she said was the condition of my back indicated it had been like that for a long time and I hadn't even noticed. Really? Do you think that could be true? Do you think I wasn't even aware of myself? I just can't believe it. Do our minds really work that way? It's something to think about. The good news is that she recommends massage and lots of resting with the heating pad. Oh, now that sounds nice. I'm going to start getting a regular massage and I'm going to start talking to my counselor again, just in case I'm a little bit crazy. (I think it's only a little bit.) In other news the kids are good. The heater and the garage door are broken but should be fixed today! It's almost November and we are ready for a new month. Football is almost over and basketball will start soon. Life is going on and it's pulling us along with it. Love, Leta

Moving

Last weekend the kids and I moved to our new house. It is the house Jeff and I bought back in April thinking he would be here for another year or two. We had no idea that the kids and I would move in without him. But we did it and everything seems to be okay. As much sorrow as we have about leaving our home that we shared with Jeff, we all agree that starting over in a new place feels good. Luke and I talked about it a lot. He reminded me that the last two years of our lives have not been normal or consistent. So another change is not too shocking. It has been overwhelming and crazy. I often feel like I can't do it all. All: moving, grieving, running Smith Cattle Co, caring for my kids, even simple things like laundry and going to the store. But I think I am doing ok even though I'm not even close to mastering it "all". Last week Happy had a cancer fundraiser. Last year it was a breast cancer awareness/walk/fundraiser. This year they decided to walk and raise money again and do it all in the memory of Jeff. It was such a great experience. The blessing from the community of Happy continue. As long as I can focus on all the goodness around me, I seem to be able to keep my head above water. I haven't decided if I will continue the blog or not. It was Jeff's journey even though I wrote it. Maybe I will come up with a new name and keep it going. Thanks for all the love. Please come see us at the new house! We'd love to see you. Love, Leta

It is Well with My Soul

It is well with my soul but I'm not quite sure about my heart. The kids and I are missing Jeff. And that doesn't begin to describe it. And I won't even try. I will say that we are okay. We are doing our best to deal with our new life. I think the word that describes us best at this time is numb. We cannot believe that he is gone. He is still all around us and objects that represent him give us a false sense that he is just at work and will be home soon. His boots are still by the back door and we can see his pick up out by the barn. His pictures are everywhere and we talk about him everyday. Sometimes in the past tense and sometimes still in the present. We are cutting the corn that he was here to plant and we are shipping cattle that he bought and cared for. I heard him the other day but it was Luke talking. I saw him the other day but it was Jake as he turned his head. His temperament is alive and well in Gracie as she protests all of this. So he is still with us and that calms us and shatters us. But one thing we know is that he is in Heaven and obviously has had some input on the weather. We joked about that before he died. He was going to get right to work on our Texas drought as soon as he could. So really the 3 1/2 inches of rain were not a big surprise. He got all his wheat planted early for a reason. The love and support from our family, friends and community continue to lift us up. I witness it every day as I see my children being cared for. Happy, Texas has produced a special kind of goodness and grace. And it was a true blessing to watch it grow and spread this past week. I think it is a lesson for all of us. We are all here on this earth to serve and take care of one another. And when we do that, it creates moments that are "just right". It's a great choice to make. Thank you all for living that example for my family. I have written down a verse from a song at Jeff's service. I read it all the time. The hymn was written by Horatio Spafford in the 1800's after he grieved the death of his four daughters. Certainly my grief is not unshared. When peace like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrow like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul. I'm okay, Leta

"For what it's worth, it was worth all the while"

I love the lyrics to that song by Green Day, Good Riddance. Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go So make the best of this test and don't ask why It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right I hope you had the time of your life. Jeff slipped away peacefully yesterday. Yesterday morning when it was obvious what was happening, it was very clear that the moment at hand was meant for me and Jeff. I climbed into bed with him and wrapped us up tight in a quilt. And I just held him and loved him. It wasn't scary or weird. It was actually just love. It was part of the promise we made to each other - till death do us part. So I got to be a part of that beautiful moment. As I was lying there thinking of our life together it made me think how very few times when we are on earth that we get a glimpse of heaven. Jeff and I always thought new babies were close to that since their little spirits are fresh out of heaven. Their first breaths and cries are celestial. And so were Jeff's last. So from what I can tell, it's all going to be okay for the rest of us. I am planning Jeff's service for Thursday afternoon. We talked about this a lot. He didn't want a dark funeral. He wanted a service to praise God and celebrate his life. And afterwards he wanted a big party. He wanted people to eat and drink and laugh. And of course tell all the "Jeff stories" they could remember. Unless they are stories about Jeff and me in college. Those might not be appropriate for my kids to hear! He said it until the end. Everything important in life he was blessed with. Love, Leta

Still fighting

Jeff is still fighting. Early this morning his breathing pattern changed dramatically. He is barely hanging on but his strong heart is still beating. My family surrounded me and my kids today with unimaginable love. Jeff's family also came to be with him. We sat around him and laughed and told all kinds of stories. We touched him and rubbed is arms and legs and even snuggled him. His room is full of life and love, not gloom and doom. It's how he would want it. Peace and calmness are with us all. The nurse told me this morning that it would probably be today. However, those of you that know Jeff the best would also know that: #1 He doesn't like to be told what to do and #2 He is always late and being on time never mattered to him. So there. God is still obviously in charge. Thank goodness. He is comfortable and asleep. His face is completely relaxed. He is so beautiful and I am blessed to be here with him. Leta

What I Know

Jeff is peaceful and asleep. He is not awake anymore but still fighting. My kids have a peace and understanding that is surely heaven sent. There are no rules at hospice and everything here is for the good. My grief is larger than me and what I can understand. The love and grace surrounding us is larger than my grief. There is love and grace in places and people I never thought of. It rained today. (Jeff would love that) Leta

Decision

Yesterday made the tough decision to move Jeff to the hospice unit in Amarillo. He has been declining quickly and i could no longer give him he kind of care he deserves. They are doing a great job and i am standing strong that I did the right thing.  the kids are shaky but okay. My parents are staying with them so i can stay with Jeff. They were up here after school and loved all over their Daddy. So things are okay today. We are being loved from every angle. I'll keep you posted. Leta

From one week to the next

We are still here and still holding on.  I checked what I had posted last week and realized things have changed so much.  Last Friday Jeff went to a football game.  Today he is in bed.  He is sleeping now about 20 hours a day.  That is such a difference from last week.  He's not trying to do anything now.  His brother Ron comes by everyday and drives him around while I pick up the kids from school but that's all he can do.  I have to feed him and bathe him now. He is not really eating.  He doesn't swallow, he just chews the food and hides it in his cheeks.  I find it at night when I help him brush his teeth. Although today he ate a ripe tomato and watermelon.  The hospice nurse was here on Tuesday and will be back tomorrow.  She said this is all normal.  Normal?  What is normal now? I have no idea.

His close friends are coming by now.  Shocked.  How can this be Jeff?  It's been hard for me to watch these big, tough men realize that he is really and truly leaving us. Disbelief for us all. We all know that he used to be one of  those big, tough men.  Invincible.  He is dwindling down to nothing now.  How can that be?

He is not having pain.  Hospice is doing their job.  Right now he just is.  He's not Jeff anymore but we love him like he is.  Kisses and hugs and constant "I love you's".  He deserves it.  I love to whisper in his ear.  He stares away like he knows what I'm saying.  I tell him stories about how we fell in love and how we tried so hard.  How we had our babies and how we've loved so much.  How he's done it all.  How he's been successful. He's made us happy and taken care of us. Sometimes I think he understands.

Leta

Being taken care of

I got spoiled today and I enjoyed every single minute of it.  All my siblings came out today to be with me and Jeff and the kids.  I never have all their attention at once and it was great.  Our time together usually involves the 12 kids we all have and that is not the same experience.  But today was great.  They went to the store for me and helped me clean out the fridge and pantry. (No judgement on their part I'm sure) George is the cleanest and neatest out of the 4 of us.  He's the kind of guy that loves to clean with a q-tip.  But today he de-gunked my fridge and checked Jeff's meds.  Luckily we have a pharmacist in the family to be in charge of things like that. Katie and Sally bought the kids candy and smothered their auntie love on them.

We all sat in the kitchen with my kids and laughed and told stories of when we were little.  My kids hung on every word and Jeff said he could hear us from the bedroom.  As I soaked in the moment I thanked God for the bond that I have with them.  When our brother Charles died 20 years ago we were all very young.  I had just graduated from college and Sally and Katie were in high school.  George was a senior.  At that point in life we were already pretty close.  But after that we were cemented together forever.  Changed by an experience for the better.  And that has been true for a long time now. We will never hurt one another and we never fight.  We share a bond that we experienced together.  And as I looked around the room that's what I prayed for my kids, who are much younger but will still share a life changing experience together.  I hope they come out closer than ever and form their own unbreakable bond.

Jeff had a pretty good day.  His friend Vic came by and they drove around and checked milo.  He also had a great visit with his brother, Ron.  We are counting the goodness every second.

Love, Leta