Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Anger and frustration are giving way to super sadness.  It's a kind of sadness I never knew existed.  And my sadness is magnified a million times by watching my children suffer.  We are entering a new phase of grieving and I want it to be over.  Honestly,  I just pray for time to pass quickly.

Last week was our County Stock Show.  It was a painful blessing.  Jeff grew up showing steers in Randall County - just like his kids, only they show sheep.   You all know by now I never set foot in a barn until the day I met Jeff Smith.  The irony in this situation is stock showing is something I did more with the kids than Jeff.  He was so busy and I was the one with all the time.  I learned to haul a trailer, give a lamb a shot and was by far a better shearer than Jeff.  Huh!!  It is a time that I shared with the kids more than Jeff.  But his presence was deeply missed.

Last Saturday we were back in his old stomping grounds.  And I had not properly prepared me or the kids for the experience.  About ten minutes before the show I was approached and asked if they could dedicate the show in Jeff's memory.  What an honor!! And what a surprise.  I scrambled to steady myself and tell the kids.  We did well to hold it together.  So many beautiful and gracious gestures were made.  Our Happy 4H donated money to the lamb showmanship winners. (Gracie won the Jr Showmanship) It ended up to be an impossible day.

I don't ever want to sound ungrateful.  I'm not.  But it is so hard.  So many people wanted to talk about Jeff and we just wanted to be normal.  I know that is a horrible thing to say but it's how we felt and I'm just saying it.  Right or wrong - it just is.  People were so kind and emotional.  I cried and cried and tried to take in all the goodness.  Eventually I hid in the car with my friend Jennifer and drank a beer and lost my mojo.  But I found a balance and went back in and faced it all and finished the day.  I was so lucky to be surrounded by friends and family that held me up all day.

One big thought that was with me all day, this time last year (One. Year. Ago) we had just found out the chemo didn't work.  We told the kids and decided to go to the stock show anyway.  I can't believe it's been a year.

We are wounded.  And I worry that the scars are permanent.  Like we will never be okay.  But..... I try to let that go.  I'm trying to love my kids and do things like stock show.  I'm trying.  And they're trying. We really are. Please continue to hold us close and hug us and talk to us and be with us.  Even if we don't want to talk about it or even if we cry.  It's still us.  Me and Luke and Gracie and Jake.  We still need you.  Even when we don't show it.

Loving you all,
Leta