Wishes

Of course we all wish for things all the time. And recently we all wished that another violent tragedy had not occurred.  The kids and I have given up on wishing because we have a very different perspective.

Someone made the comment to me how lucky I was that Jeff didn't die suddenly.  We had time to plan and say goodbye.  We had time to get some perspective.  After I gritted my teeth, counted to ten and took pause,  I tried to see her point.  Yes we did have some of those things, that is true.  But we also had no innocence to our situation.  We knew he was going to die and we could do nothing about that.  The level of anxiety and grief that we lived with was tremendous.  I don't know that I could ever choose.  Neither scenario is "lucky".  But I do want to share my opinion about wishes.  Jake told me the other night how he wished his Daddy was still alive.  But he said he couldn't wish that because he didn't want him to have to be alive with cancer.  So he really wished two things, that Jeff didn't have cancer and he didn't die.  And Jake didn't know if it was fair to ask for so much.

And now I will tell you about the worse kind of wishing.  When Jeff was so sick and in pain and not Jeff anymore.  When he wasn't really living and didn't know where he was.  When he hallucinated and begged to be free from his pain.  When there was no chance for cure or hope or comfort, we wished he would die.  We really did.  How horrible are we?  We just wanted the suffering to stop, for all of us.  Because we all were suffering.  And now that he is gone  we are still wishing.  But now it is more remembering.  We know he's not coming back and we are trying to remember all the good and funny things about Jeff.

Our grief is cycling.  Good times and bad times.  Every shooting or bombing or car wreck or accident touches our tender hearts.  Because we know that whether you die suddenly or not, you still do a lot of wishing that your life was different.

Leta