The reality is our lives are moving on - whether we want them to or not. Life is pulling us forward and we are part of that motion. At moments we are involved and participating with that call and at other times we are simply in the stream and being moved along.
The reality is we don't cry every day anymore but at times we cry harder than ever. I'm talking about me and Luke and Gracie and Jake. We think about "this time last year" and we remember all the time.
We try to remember the times before cancer and death and we can't understand what we used to be.
The reality is Luke graduated from high school last week and we did it without Jeff. It was unreal and unbelievable. He was here and now he's not. Luke is desperately needing his Daddy and memories aren't containing us. Reality is sometimes more than we can take.
The reality is we are surrounded by friends and family that are loving us through all of this. But there are those that still hurt us. Luke received a gift and card for graduation that said these words, "I am so sorry for the loss your family has endured this last year. I believe the Devil thought it would destroy you......" The author went on to tell us how much God loves us. Really. I wish I could have saved Luke from reading that card. Just one more sting. How dare you assume the devil would destroy us.
The reality is the devil is not among us. We are choosing love and goodness. To tell us otherwise is ignorant and wrong. You don't know us. You have never lost someone or you would have never written those words. We are wiser than you and I know my children in ways that most parents don't. We are a team. My children are too young to define themselves, but I know who I am. I am not a judge. And I will surround myself with people who share in my tolerance and peace. And I will raise my children in that kind of love and never in that kind of fear. Never.
The reality is we are changing. We are defining ourselves as a different family. Three kids and a mom. And soon it will be a son at college and a two kids and a mom. It's not who we thought we would be but it's who we are and we will be that. And we will be okay with that.
The reality is we are more sensitive. That reality will serve us and also cause us more grief, but it is true. We will always look for the good but be we are aware of all that can go wrong. We will hope for the best but know the definition of the worst. When we love you, we will mean it. But when you hurt us you will wound us in ways that will deepen our scars. My children will grow into life with an understanding of life and death and love and trust that most of their peers won't understand.
The reality is Jeff died over 8 months ago and we are still grieving that loss. The end is not in sight. We are living our lives and moving forward. We experience good things everyday and have all the hope in the world for our future. We are going to put as much love as we can out into the world that God created for us. We are not going to hate or condemn or judge, no matter what the world throws at us.
Wow. I just wrote all of that and I really meant every word.
Leta
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