Onward

We are moving on into a new year.  I won't even try to imagine what this year will hold for my family.  I gave up on that a long time ago.  No resolutions.  No expectation.  It's just better that way.  Our only goal is just to keep on going.
We made it through Christmas and it was surprisingly okay.  The kids were very distracted by presents.  We were around a lot of family but they were "fun chaos" and helped fill our time.  Now we are back to reality and a busy schedule.  Of course we would all glue ourselves to the TV and couch in a second if we could.  We fight those feelings everyday.   We don't really want to do anything, we just are because we are supposed to.  Another strange feeling is how selfish we feel right now.  It is ALL about us and how we feel.  And how other people or things or events make us feel.  It's impossible to shake right now but I hope our perspective changes back to a healthy view eventually.  In the mean time I hope we aren't walking around offending people all the time.  I've said it before, we are not ourselves.
I've recently gotten a lot of business things finalized and taken care of.  Jeff was meticulous in setting things up for me and the kids.  When he wasn't able to physically work he mentally was still in the game and got a lot done.  There were many things I didn't know he was doing and am just finding out now.  But it's still been hard.  I've had to check the box marked "widow" and it took my breath away and rebroke my heart.  I've had two people at the grocery store ask me how Jeff was doing.  I've really got to stop going to the grocery store!  I'm having to do things that Jeff always took care of.  And just because I don't like them doesn't give me the option of not doing them.
I'm praying for endurance.  I'm praying for little shots of happiness for me and the kids - really my kids.  I'm praying for less anxiety and more peace.  I'm praying that depression and bitterness don't invade.  I'm praying that time will go quickly and that healing will hurry up.

Leta

I'm also really and truly praying for rain.  It's starting to get a little spooky!