Tomorrow is Jake's 10th birthday. Jeff never grew up celebrating birthdays but tomorrow means a lot to him. His baby is just a little bit older. He wishes he could be around to see his children get a little bit older. I've said it before, that it's what hurts the most. But we are trying our best to be happy and celebrate all these moments that we have together as a family.
Today was a long, hot day. Why does this summer have to be so brutal in so many ways? Luke and Jeff worked on a plow most of the day in the heat. Jeff is worn out again. I want him to rest more ..... because..... I just think he should. And he never wants to rest.
I read a beautiful article today that has been in my heart all day. It said to breathe in love and spirit and breath out sorrow. Yes.
I'm going to try that.
Leta
Monday, July 30, 2012
Wednesday, July 25, 2012
Peace
Peace is a very thick subject. Sometimes it's unobtainable and sometimes it flows so easily. It's what Jeff and I struggle with a lot. Mostly Jeff because he has so much more to accept. I think it is something very important right now and I encourage him every day to have peace.
Jeff worked hard today. He shipped cattle today and I went out to check on the process and found Jeff on his favorite paint horse, riding straight and tall in his saddle. He was in a pen cutting off cattle to be sold. Cutting cattle on his favorite horse! Oh thank you God for that wonderful morning! Luke was with him and our excellent cowboy, Sam. But you could tell Jeff was the man in charge. I sat in the car and cried like a baby. Luckily I took a picture and will have it forever - Jeff was riding up to the car and giving me a thumbs up. That's my guy. He's tough and he's still in the game. He's still living and trying to enjoy the things that mean the most to him and I'm so glad he had a good day.
You know what he said to me tonight? He asked if I still believed in miracles and if I thought he would really be okay. Oh babe, it's my wish. It's my wish for my true love to be beside me through out my life. And yes I believe in miracles. But we also understand reality.
So after a very physical day Jeff is exhausted to the core. We talked and he struggled just to stay awake at 6 o'clock tonight. His emotions were very raw and we talked about peace again. We talked about all of our blessings. My cousin John taught me a lesson a few years ago that I share whenever I can. Whenever you receive love and grace in your life, it is a ripple effect from all the love and grace you have put out into the world. I love that and hold on to it often. It helps me accept all the grace. I reminded Jeff of that. We are receiving so much love it is indescribable. I told Jeff that his life has been important. He has been full of goodness and love to so many people that we are feeling all that love mirrored back to us today. That calms us and lets us lean closer to peace. We are leaning. It's hard. It's hard to want to live but accept death. It's hard to die when you're young and strong and in your prime. It's hard to die when you have a family and children. It is so hard every damn day. It breaks my heart it is so hard. If there were an easy way out of this deal we would take it. We would opt out of this agony. But it doesn't have to be easy and we don't have to like it - it is just how life works. But I do think, I know, as Jeff approaches the end of his life he needs as much peace as possibly. Peace that he has loved. Peace that he has succeeded. Peace that he has helped others. Peace that we all are born and we all will die. It is our constant prayer.
Please pray for my tough cowboy tonight. He's tough but very vulnerable to all of his feelings. Please pray that peace centers his soul as he takes this journey. And please remember to always put all your peace and love and kindness out into the world. It will always flow back. Get ready today for all the grace you too will receive. It will put you on your knees!
Love,
Leta
Jeff worked hard today. He shipped cattle today and I went out to check on the process and found Jeff on his favorite paint horse, riding straight and tall in his saddle. He was in a pen cutting off cattle to be sold. Cutting cattle on his favorite horse! Oh thank you God for that wonderful morning! Luke was with him and our excellent cowboy, Sam. But you could tell Jeff was the man in charge. I sat in the car and cried like a baby. Luckily I took a picture and will have it forever - Jeff was riding up to the car and giving me a thumbs up. That's my guy. He's tough and he's still in the game. He's still living and trying to enjoy the things that mean the most to him and I'm so glad he had a good day.
You know what he said to me tonight? He asked if I still believed in miracles and if I thought he would really be okay. Oh babe, it's my wish. It's my wish for my true love to be beside me through out my life. And yes I believe in miracles. But we also understand reality.
So after a very physical day Jeff is exhausted to the core. We talked and he struggled just to stay awake at 6 o'clock tonight. His emotions were very raw and we talked about peace again. We talked about all of our blessings. My cousin John taught me a lesson a few years ago that I share whenever I can. Whenever you receive love and grace in your life, it is a ripple effect from all the love and grace you have put out into the world. I love that and hold on to it often. It helps me accept all the grace. I reminded Jeff of that. We are receiving so much love it is indescribable. I told Jeff that his life has been important. He has been full of goodness and love to so many people that we are feeling all that love mirrored back to us today. That calms us and lets us lean closer to peace. We are leaning. It's hard. It's hard to want to live but accept death. It's hard to die when you're young and strong and in your prime. It's hard to die when you have a family and children. It is so hard every damn day. It breaks my heart it is so hard. If there were an easy way out of this deal we would take it. We would opt out of this agony. But it doesn't have to be easy and we don't have to like it - it is just how life works. But I do think, I know, as Jeff approaches the end of his life he needs as much peace as possibly. Peace that he has loved. Peace that he has succeeded. Peace that he has helped others. Peace that we all are born and we all will die. It is our constant prayer.
Please pray for my tough cowboy tonight. He's tough but very vulnerable to all of his feelings. Please pray that peace centers his soul as he takes this journey. And please remember to always put all your peace and love and kindness out into the world. It will always flow back. Get ready today for all the grace you too will receive. It will put you on your knees!
Love,
Leta
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Away for a day
The kids and I hover around Jeff most of the time. One of us is with him at all times. This is something that has never been verbally planned but it's a silent code that we all understand. Jeff is ours and we are very protective. And we don't want him to be alone. So...... The kids and I left him yesterday and we are all fine today. It was very hard for us but I think it was actually a good thing. The kids and I went to a lamb jackpot show in Lubbock. We debated for days and finally dove in and did it. And Jeff was fine without us. Luckily he's got super friends that came by so he wasn't alone. It was good for all of us. We needed it more than I realized. The kids and I needed a day like that. We had to work hard and work together. It was hotter than the surface of hell but we did it. We came home exhausted but the kids couldn't stop talking as they told Jeff all about our day. We needed that distraction. I'm glad we did it. The kids didn't do well during the first show but rallied in the second show and did okay.
The kids are still asleep this morning but Jeff is out and about feeding cattle. Since my list of things to do is bigger than I am - I've decided to get on the computer and sip coffee. There's so much less stress doing that.
Leta
The kids are still asleep this morning but Jeff is out and about feeding cattle. Since my list of things to do is bigger than I am - I've decided to get on the computer and sip coffee. There's so much less stress doing that.
Leta
Wednesday, July 18, 2012
Days
The days are just passing by. Some fast, some slower. Jeff is doing better and worse. Hospice is doing an excellent job of managing his pain. But we are seeing him decline. He is weaker and sleeping more. But still up and about a little every day. He shipped cattle on Monday and rode his horse. But I can't see many more days of that in the future. He also got banged and bruised by a steer in our pens. Yikes! But I've noticed he is slightly proud when he tells the story. It's just a simple reminder of the tough guy he used to be.
His quick zaps of radiation were Monday and Tuesday. I hope they do the trick and stop some of the nose bleeds. His nose is still bleeding but is much better. Our friends, Kevin and Cara met us in the waiting room on Monday and sat with us. And my cousin, Sus was there both days. It was so comforting to be surrounded and not alone. Thanks sweet friends!!
So we are just here. Trying to keep it together, be true to it all and stay Jeff and Leta. It's hard. There is a distinct transition from partner and spouse to care giver. It's nothing we want to do but we're thankful we have the strength to do it anyway.
Leta
His quick zaps of radiation were Monday and Tuesday. I hope they do the trick and stop some of the nose bleeds. His nose is still bleeding but is much better. Our friends, Kevin and Cara met us in the waiting room on Monday and sat with us. And my cousin, Sus was there both days. It was so comforting to be surrounded and not alone. Thanks sweet friends!!
So we are just here. Trying to keep it together, be true to it all and stay Jeff and Leta. It's hard. There is a distinct transition from partner and spouse to care giver. It's nothing we want to do but we're thankful we have the strength to do it anyway.
Leta
Saturday, July 14, 2012
It's still hard
The hospice nurse came out yesterday and she was so nice. She put us right at ease and took charge. We loved that! Jeff is taking specific medication for bone pain and nerve pain now and as of today they are working. He feels much better and has eaten more today. He went out and rode pens with both his boys today and feels like he can ride with Gracie in the morning. What a blessing!
I went to a delightful baby shower today and had such a good time. I laughed and remembered and had a fabulous afternoon. Sydnee Schacher is already blessed and she isn't even born yet!
I am thankful tonight for friends and memories of my babies. I am thankful for getting to be a witness to pure joy. I am thankful that Jeff's pain is being better managed and he is getting some relief. We are always overwhelmed by all the grace, but humbly excepting it the best we can.
Carrying on,
Leta
I went to a delightful baby shower today and had such a good time. I laughed and remembered and had a fabulous afternoon. Sydnee Schacher is already blessed and she isn't even born yet!
I am thankful tonight for friends and memories of my babies. I am thankful for getting to be a witness to pure joy. I am thankful that Jeff's pain is being better managed and he is getting some relief. We are always overwhelmed by all the grace, but humbly excepting it the best we can.
Carrying on,
Leta
Thursday, July 12, 2012
Radiation
We went to see the radiation dr yesterday. He and his nurse were very nice and answered all of our questions. At this point Jeff has decided to go ahead with two quick zaps of radiation. They said it will greatly reduce the risk of his nose bleeding more. (Quality of life) And they said he shouldn't have too many side effects. So okay. For today that's our story and we're sticking to it. We went back today and they scanned the area and molded a mask for him. His two radiation treatments will be Monday and Tuesday and then he's done. It sounds easy and I hope it is. Jeff is still having a little bleeding from his nose but very little. However..... he is still extremely sore from the procedure. When they blocked off the blood flow to the tumors they basically killed off some areas of tissue. This is not permanent so it should start to feel better. But for now he is in more pain than ever. He has not been able to eat because the roof of his mouth is a giant ulcer. He has lost almost 10 lbs in a week. It's been very hard on him. Dr Patel increased his pain medication for the second time this week. I hope he feels the relief from that soon.
It's been a hard day. It's hard for Jeff to ride all the way to Amarillo and it's hard for me to put up with him in the car complaining about my driving and constantly wanting to stop and look at farm equipment. He is always wondering why I don't see the thrill in it. It ain't cute shoes Jeff Smith! It's not my area.
The radiation dr is at a cancer center in Amarillo and it is not a great facility. I was very surprised to see what Amarillo has to offer. It wasn't great. It reassured us that MD Anderson was the best choice for Jeff and I'm so glad he received his treatment there. I'm glad he only has two treatments at the Amarillo place and then we will never be back to another dr.
Hospice called today and they are coming out tomorrow to meet with us. It's time. It's past time. As much as that statement breaks my heart, I know that it is the right thing for Jeff. I have continued to receive criticism on our decision but we are standing firm on our choice. No one really knows but us. And goodness!!! I hope you people out there never have to be in this situation. It's not something we want to do but it's something we have to and need to do. It's because I love him so much. I can't let him suffer at all. Don't you see?? He deserves my best and I really don't know what to do at this point so I'm letting someone else be in charge. And I'll just follow their lead. I know that no one can love him like I do but I hope someone can care for him and meet his needs now - better than me.
Thanks for all the love and support. Agony doesn't even begin to describe this. You are our soothing balm and you ARE easing our pain. Please pray for Jeff and his continued peace and pain control. Please pray for our children who are witnessing all of this and will forever be changed. None of us are deserving of this. No one is. But it is. Not our punishment but simply our life, and what we've been given - the good and the bad. Although we are sometimes mad and sad and questioning, we are not bitter. There is more peace and wisdom all the time. We are still looking for goodness in ourselves and everyone around us. We do believe in God and love and peace and sanctuary. We are hanging on. Because of it all.
Leta
It's been a hard day. It's hard for Jeff to ride all the way to Amarillo and it's hard for me to put up with him in the car complaining about my driving and constantly wanting to stop and look at farm equipment. He is always wondering why I don't see the thrill in it. It ain't cute shoes Jeff Smith! It's not my area.
The radiation dr is at a cancer center in Amarillo and it is not a great facility. I was very surprised to see what Amarillo has to offer. It wasn't great. It reassured us that MD Anderson was the best choice for Jeff and I'm so glad he received his treatment there. I'm glad he only has two treatments at the Amarillo place and then we will never be back to another dr.
Hospice called today and they are coming out tomorrow to meet with us. It's time. It's past time. As much as that statement breaks my heart, I know that it is the right thing for Jeff. I have continued to receive criticism on our decision but we are standing firm on our choice. No one really knows but us. And goodness!!! I hope you people out there never have to be in this situation. It's not something we want to do but it's something we have to and need to do. It's because I love him so much. I can't let him suffer at all. Don't you see?? He deserves my best and I really don't know what to do at this point so I'm letting someone else be in charge. And I'll just follow their lead. I know that no one can love him like I do but I hope someone can care for him and meet his needs now - better than me.
Thanks for all the love and support. Agony doesn't even begin to describe this. You are our soothing balm and you ARE easing our pain. Please pray for Jeff and his continued peace and pain control. Please pray for our children who are witnessing all of this and will forever be changed. None of us are deserving of this. No one is. But it is. Not our punishment but simply our life, and what we've been given - the good and the bad. Although we are sometimes mad and sad and questioning, we are not bitter. There is more peace and wisdom all the time. We are still looking for goodness in ourselves and everyone around us. We do believe in God and love and peace and sanctuary. We are hanging on. Because of it all.
Leta
Monday, July 9, 2012
Relief!
Jeff got up at 4:30 this morning to go ship cattle. He didn't ride a horse, he didn't drive a truck BUT he was out there. His fatigue is obvious now but he continues to keep on going. We made it to his appointment in Amarillo to get the packing removed from his nose (it's been in there 6 days - gag). It was slightly painful to have it taken out because it appeared to be stuffed up into his brain. But they got it and he feels SOOOO much better. The procedure must have worked because there is not much bleeding. There is some but nothing like before. By the time we left the dr's office Jeff said he was done. No more dr's and no more appointments. The simple procedure took too much out of him. But by this afternoon he told me to call the dr and make an appointment to see about getting radiation. That's how it is these days. Lots of highs and lows. He ebbs through the day on lots of pain medicine. So we will see about the radiation. I honestly don't know if he is strong enough to do it. If it has an debilitating side effects I know he won't do it. They made it sound like a quick zap - but we'll see what it really is. Jeff had major radiation 2 years ago at MD Anderson and it left him with some permanant damage and pain. We can't really imagine what this quick zap will be. I guess we will meet with the doctor and see what he has to say. I just want Jeff to have a quality of life for as long as he can. It's hard to make these kind of decisions. We're just taking it slow.
I've received so many questions about Jeff going into hospice. I know it's hard to believe. It is for us too. Yes, our dr has said that it seems to be the time to start that. Once we finish these treatments we will be seeking hospice care. They are the pain management specialists and they will know the best way to care for Jeff. Especially when it gets to a point when I can't. We don't look at it as something bad. We look at it as help and care and professionals who do this best. I am grossly unprepared to know anything about helping my husband die. So hospice is a welcomed choice for us. Please support us on our choice. But if you don't agree please don't tell me about it. Seriously. I don't want to hear it. Which of course means I've already heard it. And I can't use my energy listening to you disagree with me. It's not your choice. Hospice doesn't mean I want Jeff to die faster. It means I want Jeff to live longer and more comfortably and with all his dignity intact. Full of grace and love for his family and friends and surrounded by the people that love him best. Full of peace and acceptance and the love of his Lord. That's his wish.
Leta
I've received so many questions about Jeff going into hospice. I know it's hard to believe. It is for us too. Yes, our dr has said that it seems to be the time to start that. Once we finish these treatments we will be seeking hospice care. They are the pain management specialists and they will know the best way to care for Jeff. Especially when it gets to a point when I can't. We don't look at it as something bad. We look at it as help and care and professionals who do this best. I am grossly unprepared to know anything about helping my husband die. So hospice is a welcomed choice for us. Please support us on our choice. But if you don't agree please don't tell me about it. Seriously. I don't want to hear it. Which of course means I've already heard it. And I can't use my energy listening to you disagree with me. It's not your choice. Hospice doesn't mean I want Jeff to die faster. It means I want Jeff to live longer and more comfortably and with all his dignity intact. Full of grace and love for his family and friends and surrounded by the people that love him best. Full of peace and acceptance and the love of his Lord. That's his wish.
Leta
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