Secret of life according to Jeff and Leta

We're in the rough days. Chemo is bad and recovery is almost worse. These are the pep talk days. I keep telling Jeff by the end of the week he will be strong enough for Luke to drive him around to check cattle. It's hard to be patient. Jeff has lost 10 lbs but still has another 20 or so to go. His rash is gone but all the edema has caused his skin to itch and peel.

This morning I was feeling a little insecure about all of this so I Googled Interleukin 2. I know that can be dangerous. Sometimes it's more information than you want. Words like "grim" can sting! But I had just had a big cup of coffee and was feeling brave. It was good news/okay news. The good news is that most ALL people on Interleukin 2 respond exactly like Jeff. The list of common side effects described Jeff. One sentence was hard to read. "There is no relationship between the presence or severity of side effects and the effectiveness of the medication." Sting! In our minds this treatment HAS to be working. But then I kept reading and felt a little better to know, "It is the only drug available that even has a possibility of a profoundly positive and lengthy effect." Its Jeff's only chance of treatment. He's got to to it.

So how do we make sense of all this information and up and down feelings? We tried to make it as simple as possible. Today we will try to give and receive as much goodness as we can. There it is. The secret of life according to Jeff and Leta. It's not entirely profound but it works for us today.

Love,
Jeff and Leta

Friends

Jeff and I had some great talks last night. We are both so tired but can't seem to really sleep. We doze and then wake up from anxiety and weird dreams. So we just talked. We really like to just basically count our blessings. So last night I was telling him about all the emails, phone calls, text messages and visits. He was very comforted by all of that. During a crisis like cancer you really find assurance in your true friends. Yes, a few people have surprised us and have left us in the dust but cancer is scary and it might be too much for some people. But really that's how we want it. No drama, just love and support. And that's how real friends do it anyway. Jeff gave the best example,"I thinks it's funny when people see me and ask how I'm doing. I always say great even though that's not the truth at all. My real friends know what I mean and are asking because they sincerely want to know how I am. And people who ask so they can gossip or just make conversation don't really care about the answer anyway."
We've got into the habit of calling our friends and family "our team". We love to think of it that way. It's a group of people all working toward and wanting the same goal. And a team wants to win! Thanks again for being on our team. We feel like were unbeatable together. We will fight and win and beat cancer!

Exhausted,
Jeff and Leta

Home tomorrow

We are happy to report that things are good enough for Jeff to go home tomorrow. He's out of the fog and more himself today. He has gained 28 lbs since Monday. Unbelievable! We just weighed him and he's down 4 lbs. Good but not great. His kidney function is better but still not back to normal. They've put him back on pain meds because of his terrible thrush infection. This time that seems to be his biggest complaint.

We are anxious to be going home tomorrow. We are so tired and weary. Jeff describes the after effects of chemo as being run over by a truck. We decided to only think in terms of today. The future is too much to handle. So for today things are better. Chemo is over for now and Jeff is on the mend. Thanks for all the love and prayers.

Peace,
Jeff and Leta

Finished with Round 2

Dr. Patel just came by and stopped the chemo. Jeff's kidneys couldn't take anymore and his rash was a million times worse. He took about 90% this time. I'm sad but relieved. Jeff is still out of it and doesn't know. The good news is he should start to improve by the minute and get to go home tomorrow or Sunday.

Jeff will have more CAT scans in about 2 weeks to see if the chemo is working. If it is he will continue the chemo for up to 6 rounds. That is our prayer now. That this torture has been worth it and it is killing the cancer.

Leta

Just a little breakdown

Our second wind yesterday lasted about 30 minutes. I was kidding myself that we would coast through the end. Things are very intense. Last night Jeff's rash got worse which makes him so uncomfortable. He officially hit 200 lbs and his kidneys are starting to show that they're working too hard. But the worst part for me is he is starting to hallucinate. He was so upset with me last night that I continued to park my car in our room. I couldn't convince him there was no car. He started to say some spooky stuff and I lost my mojo and had the big cry in front of three nurses. I'm sure they think I've lost my mind too. It was just so hard to see Jeff like that. He's usually my rock and so dependable and in charge. I just couldn't take it. Of course when the nurses came to check on him he said, "My name is Jeff and I'm 44 years old. I'm at BSA in the hospital receiving chemo." Huh! I guess he just saves all the crazy love for me. They called the doctor and he said hallucinations are common at this point in the chemo. So I'm looking forward to the next 36 hours. His last dose of Interleuken will start tonight and run 24 hours.

I'm very sad that I will miss Luke's first game tonight. I thought I might be able to go for a minute but it's now obvious I can't leave Jeff. Please cheer for the cowboys if you're in Happy tonight. #90 just shaved his head for his Daddy! I love that boy SO much. I told him the other night that it's no fair to go through adolecense the same time your Dad has cancer. He is really struggling. So if you can, try to get close enough to put some love on that 240 lb boy. He will resist!

A special thanks today for all my family and friends who have taken care of me and Jeff and the kids. It seems like an impossible task. We have so many needs and miraculously they are all being met. I'm very humbled to witness Gods love through so many people.

I'm going to drink a giant coffee and start my day. Here I go. Well I might watch the Today Show for a minute but then I'm going to get going, I swear!

Fraying at the ends,
Jeff and Leta (mostly Leta, Jeff is totally out of it)

He's doing it!

Dr. Patel just stopped by and said Jeff is doing great and thinks he will be able to withstand 100% of the Interleuken 2 this time. What great news! His blood counts are normal and his rash is better thanks to a simple antihistimine. We are managing his pain and trying to get a handle on the new thrush infection that he has in his mouth and throat. Yuck!

One funny moment: He was having terrible pain last night in his hips and stomach. I was getting worried until we figured out he was just strangling in his underwear. I know that sounds crazy but it all made sense when they weighed him. He's up nearly 20 lbs!!! His skin is starting to get tight and shiny. They're giving him more Lasix today so I hope he doesn't retain more fluid. We still have 48 hours to go. He is scheduled to start his last dose of interleuken Friday evening but it takes 24 hours for the full dose to drip in. I hope we are home by Sunday.

Thanks for all the support and prayers. We feel like we've got a second wind and I hope it sustains us. It doesn't seem so scary today. It's bad but we know more of what to expect. I guess that's our normal now. Lesson learned: Dont let your underwear get too tight!

Love,
Jeff and Leta

Tough

Jeff is hanging in there today. All the horrible symptoms have returned. Fever, bright red rash and 15 extra lbs of fluid. I think his pain is better managed this time and he hasn't had the hiccups. A lot of the time he is really out of it which I think is the most humane way to take this kind of chemo. As unaware as possible. But he will have moments of lucidness and wants to talk about everything going on. He is very aware of the seriousness of the situation. We often debate treatment or not. To undergo this with only 10% odds of a cure are sure enough reason to question treatment. But I want to tell you how tough Jeff Smith is. He's always been tough. Ironically his Daddy was chronically ill all of Jeff's childhood. He took on great responsibility at a very young age to work on their farm. He has always pushed himself physically and mentally to get the job done. No one I know works harder than Jeff! He put himself through college and was the first in his family to get a degree. He worked to get his family out of debt and also started his own business. We agreed this morning that he's "trained" his whole life for this moment, to be this tough. If anyone can do this it's Jeff. And he is going to do this. He's doing it for himself but also for me and Luke and Gracie and Jake. He's showing his kids how to take a bad situation and still give it your all.
Sorry to be so serious today. It's a hard day. Tomorrow I will tell you all the ways Jeff drives me crazy and how we are SO not perfect! Today we just had to feel a little of the gloom and doom.
Hanging in there,
Jeff and Leta

Chemo is a dirty rotten whore

Sorry to use such horrific language but there are two reasons I picked that phrase. During the first round, when Jeff was in the fog of chemo and medications, that was his favorite cuss word. And I thought it was hilarious! Not very commonly used, Jeff said it repeatedly when anything went wrong or bothered him. I would like to clarify that we would never call anyone a dirty rotten whore - that would be rude. You just say it when you're referring to cancer or when you stub your toe. Lots of people don't know that about Jeff. He's very funny. Quiet but witty. And a lot of times you don't know if he's joking or not. He thinks that is hilarious. Together we've had a lot of laughter. We've always fit together great that way. That's where a lot of out chemistry is. I love that part about us!

The second reason I chose that phrase today is because Jeff is back in agony with round 2 of chemo. It is just so nasty! Jeff said today, "Chemo is simple. It either kills you or it kills the cancer." Dirty rotten whore. See how that phrase works?

So please keep praying for Jeff. Please pray this chemo kills the cancer and we live through the agony.

Faithful as always,
Jeff and Leta

Hello, Matt Lauer

We hit another side effect.  Hair loss.  We knew it was coming because  all 5 kinds of chemo Jeff took listed that as a side effect.  It was just a different experience than what we thought.  It didn't fall out slowly or gradually.  It came out in giant clumps.  We were surprised because we didn't even think Jeff had that much hair.  It started Thursday afternoon but we didn't have time to do anything.  We were on the way to Luke's football game so Jeff just put on a cap and we went. Jeff got to go to the game!!!  Yesterday we had the big debate over whether to shave it or leave it.  Shaving your head can make you feel a little vulnerable, to say the least.  But after walking around for a day looking like Pigpen from Peanuts in a haze of flying, shedding  hair, Jeff sat on the porch and I shaved his head.  And now he looks like Matt Lauer.  That's not a bad look at all!!!  My brother, George and my brother in law, Sean are going to shave their heads tonight in solidarity to Jeff.  How cool is that? Luke is still thinking about it and Jake coincidentally got a buzz yesterday for school. We read an article about a wife who shaved her head with her husband, who was going thru chemo.  Jeff and I had a little chuckle over that because we both know I would NEVER shave my head.  I love him and all, but I am not that kind of girl.  Again, I know that's not very flattering of myself but I'm putting the truth right out there.

We are looking forward to tomorrow.  Lots of family time before the start of school and the start of chemo.  How special they start on the same day.  Very convienent!  Like I said before, faith, love, grace and determination will get us through.  We're ready.  Here we go again!

Countdown

Jeff had a good report at the doctor yesterday.  Again he was amazed at how well Jeff looked.  He was pretty confident that Jeff would start chemo again on Monday.  And blood test results today confirmed that.  His blood work was great and he's not neutropenic.  Which means he has enough white blood cells to fight any infections. That's good news.

This morning we started to process that information.  We have been very distracted by the previous chemo, rash, reactions and rebounding.  Today it started to sink in that Jeff is about to do all of that again.  Oh right,  he's got cancer.  Funny how we weren't worried about that for a moment - too worried about other things.  So for the next week we are going to try and stay happy and focused.  The dr told Jeff to try and gain as much weight as possibly.  Really? Seriously? Yes, I heard the words.  Wouldn't that be a treat? "Please eat as much of anything that you want!"  We are going to try and remain calm and face Round 2 with dignity and determination.  The kids will be in school this time and I don't know if that will be harder or easier. Probably a little of both.

One sobering moment that is kind of a blessing too.  Jake, our 9 year old said to me last week, "Momma, do you know what the scariest thing in the world is?  It would be if you and Daddy both had cancer."  Why do 9 year olds have to be so observant and smart?  I told him," Yes, that is one of the scariest things I can think of.  But, today I don't have cancer.  Daddy does but he's okay right now.  No matter what happens in the future you will always be surrounded by people that will love you and take care of you.  We can't worry about tomorrow we just have to count our blessings today." Of course we had to hold each other for a while but then we both felt better.  It is the scariest thing for all of us.  But no matter what, it will all be okay.  That's not just my promise, it's our faith and the promise we've based our whole life on.

Eye of the storm

I am so happy to report that Jeff is feeling better.  Significantly better!  This is such a unexpected blessing.  When he got so sick from the chemo, I didn't think there was anyway he could rebound this quickly.  But it appears that he will have some "good time" in between chemo.  Yippee!  He is still feeling weak but his rash is gone, his mind is clear and he had enough energy yesterday to do a number of things.  Here's a list:  Check cattle, check sprinklers, and check water.  He also plowed our roping arena.  I noticed he waited until I wasn't home to do that!  He moved the roping dummy from the barn to our front yard so he could practice roping.  I'm sure he practiced for more than a minute!  I haven't seen him on a horse but I'm quite positive that will happen sometime this week.

We have another blood test today.  We will also ask the dr when his next chemo will begin.  What are the odds it will be the first day of school?  Nothing to do that day!  But we don't know what determines when round 2 will start.  Blood counts?  It's on our list of questions.

Jeff has lost some weight. 8  lbs.  Which isn't a lot but he didn't have a lot to lose.  His appetite is back so I'm trying to fill him with calories!!! I hope he can gain some of that back.  We hadn't really thought about that side effect.  If he lost 20 lbs he would be very skinny!  I can't imagine him losing any more than that.  We'll see.

Blessings:
We are all healthy.  No colds or viruses to worry about.
Lots of laughing going on in our house!
We found out there is a calm between the storms!  We will love it while we have it.  Extra food and laughing - what could be better than that?

Peaceful,
Jeff and Leta

Baby I'm back!

Yesterday was such a wonderful day! An A+ kind of day.  Jeff woke up and wanted coffee and although it still didn't taste like it used to, he drank it.  And had a big breakfast and then put on jeans!  If that's not normal I don't know what is.  He is still weak but his pain is gone and his mind is clear.  Now that's what I'm talking about!

During the evening we had a big thunderstorm roll in.  The lightning sparked a grass fire close to us but before the fire dept could even get out here the rain started.  We got almost an inch.  It was such a blessing and it made Jeff so very happy. Very exciting around here.

Just as the sun was going down we got a call from the Sheriff's dept letting us know we had some cattle out on the highway.  Long story short, Jeff and I had to go put cattle in.  He was secretly happy to do it, I could tell.   He "let" me drive and bossed me the whole time,  " You're driving too slow, driving too fast, put it in 4 wheel drive, get over there, no get over there."  And I told him, "Quit bossing me, calm down and let me do it, don't tell me what to do, you are driving me crazy, you're welcome!"

  Now that was back to normal!

Jeff's lab results were good.  His blood counts are down but they haven't bottomed out.  Another check on Tuesday.

If you see Jeff Smith on a horse please call me immediately!

We're smiling,
Jeff and Leta

The good, the bad and the ugly rash

Well.  We just got back from Dr. Patels for a blood test.  We walked in and  they all proclaimed Jeff's rash to be the worst they'd ever seen.  Today it is deep purple in color and all over his arms, legs and stomach.  I've never seen anything like it.  Dr. Patel said it was an extreme reaction to the antibiotic probably made worse by the Interleuken 2.  He said it could be  Stevens-Johnson syndrome which is very rare and hardly ever happens to anyone.  Of course it happened to Jeff.  Treatment is simple.  No more of that kind of antibiotic and continue the steroids.  But here's the best part - he said Jeff looked great!  In fact he said he was surprised to see him up and mobile and carrying on a conversation. Jeff does feel a little better.  He's eating more and sleeping less.  His bone pain is SO much better.  He's just wiped out.  Okay here's the really best part, for Jeff anyway.  The dr. told Jeff he could get out of the house and check cattle as long as he wore a mask.  I have to admit to everyone that I have been in a manic mode about protecting Jeff from all things harmful.  I even have to tell you I lectured Jeff about blowing his nose too hard because I didn't want him to get a bloody nose and hemorrage. (That's not very flattering of myself, I know) But Dr. Patel was all chilled out and said it was good for Jeff to "GO INTO HIS FEEDYARD" and check his cattle but wear a mask and don't get dirty.  Good for his mental health he thought! Oh my!  I nearly had a heart attack.  So I convinced Jeff that he would be too tired today but tomorrow I would buy him masks and let Luke drive him around.  How many days do you think I can put that off?  Not many. Jeff is a do-er.  He will check cattle and then eventually it will be fixing fence or a water tank or riding a horse for just a minute.  You know what that means - I'm not in control! Why do I feel better when I think I am?

Tomorrow we should hear how his blood levels are.  Pray they are low but not too low.  If all is well then we don't have to see Dr. Patel until next week.  I may actually calm down a little bit.

Blessings of the day: 
Jeff told Dr. Patel right away, "I only took 80% of the Interleuken2 this time but I plan on me taking 100% next time."  Now that's the man I married!!!!! I love that about him. He's my guy.
There's a blip in the paper about Happy's linemen, the big boys, giving it their all in practice. Go Luke!! And go Cowboys.  Luke has been in such a wonderful mood since football started!

Thankful in every way,
Jeff and Leta

Dark side

Jeff and I are slowly being pulled "into the dark side".  That's how we joke about it.  We just mean that sometimes it's easier to be sad than happy and sometimes the saddness seems like it will be okay if you just hang out with it for a while.  BUT  once you're there it's hard to go back to the light.  We are feeling that today.  Jeff is having a reaction to his antibiotic.  He almost was feeling better and then the rash/hives started.  I really hate to complain but sometimes this all just pisses me off!  We are trying to do everything right and yet the things we can't control have such, well, control over us.  Dang that makes me mad!  But I think this might snap us out of the darkness.  We have to have a blood test run tomorrow which means we won't be able to escape the sunshine.  The rest of the week there is registration, cheerleading, football, birthday parties, slumber parties and a scrimmage.  So I will not have time to be sad.  And Jeff will have to listen to me talk ALL about it.  So there's our solution.  The kids save us again! 

Please pray the rash goes away quickly.  We are nervous to have Jeff take steroids since they inhibit the immune system and we want his to be strong!  Pray for sunny days ahead - a perfect 78 degrees would be nice.  Pray that Jeff does not get an infection while he is off his antibiotic. 

Hanging in there,
Jeff and Leta

Recovery

Since this is Jeff's first round of chemo we really didn't know what to expect - only what we have read.  So every symptom is concerning to us.  He is very weak and is suffering from horrible aching in his bones.  The bone pain is from a medicine they gave him to stimulate his bone marrow to produce new white blood cells. 

Our first night home was very hard.  I think Jeff thought he would feel so much better just to be home and he didn't at all.  In fact he felt worse because he was up too much.  We got home and he couldn't settle and  he turned into the biggest bear.  He got a terrible headache and I thought I was going to have to get the chains and drag him off (cattle term).  But he mercifully fell asleep for the next 36 hours.  The headache is gone!

So we are starting our week.  I called the dr's office and they said all of these symptoms are normal and we will go in for a check up on Friday.  All he needs to do is rest and recover.  I'm sure that's easier said than done.  I don't think he is up to visitors but I'll let you know if that changes.  By the end of the week his blood counts will start to drop dramatically and he won't be able to be around anyone.  He will probably have to receive blood and platelets and odds are he will eventually get an infection.  Although we will try SO hard to protect him.  They said most patients on this type of chemo are back in the hospital pretty often.  So please remind me of that if he gets sick and I start to get hysterical.

The kids are doing well.  Luke is focusing on football and Gracie has cheerleading practice this week.  Jake is sticking to me like glue but I have to admit I kind of like it.  He and I floated in the pool together yesterday and had some great "talk" without having to talk too much.  My children understand the situation and we have been upfront and honest with them about everything. We are just holding them close and thank goodness they are letting us. One funny moment: Jake pointed out that he probably shouldn't pick his nose and if he did he should wash his hands! At least he's on the ball!

We're taking it slow.  We are continuing to be thankful and pray, in that order.  One day at a time.  I tell Jeff everyday that this is not the way he will feel forever.  It will get better.  It's not permanent.  Or maybe I'm telling myself that.  Yes, I think that's what I'm doing.

Thanks for all the love,
Jeff and Leta

The VERY good news!

Jeff is going home today! He is such an over achiever that hes going home much sooner than expected. We are so happy and relieved. He's starting to become very fussy which I see as a great sign. He hates the bed, he hates the food and we both hate the smells! He wants to be in his bed and hold his kids. He wants to eat his Mom's homemade rolls and look out his window and see his cattle. As of today his blood levels are still normal. But they will quickly start to drop. He really won't be able to have any visitors while he's home due to the risk of infection. Within a week his white blood count will probably drop to zero and he will have no immune system. But that won't last very long and he'll start to rebound.

Please keep praying and calling and texting and emailing. We need it!

Love to you all!
Jeff and Leta

Good news/Bad news

Dr Patel stopped Jeff's chemo last night at 10 pm. His body couldn't take anymore. His lungs were starting to have fluid in them and his edema and rash continued to get worse. The good news is he received all of the regular chemo and 80% of the Interleuken2 and the Interferon. The dr assured us that is plenty and most people can't even handle that much. We will wait 2-3 weeks and start round 2. Six hours after they stopped the meds Jeff felt better. His rash is better and we are waiting for him to start losing 15 lbs of fluid! He will be in the hospital longer than we thought, at least a couple more days.

I got to witness some true love and grace this morning. I hope Jeff will remember the moment. I forget that this is hard on other people too. I really only think in terms of Jeff and the kids. But someone Jeff needs and loves faced their fear and came to be with Jeff today. I know it was grace and Gods love that did it. It was simple and beautiful. You know it's Gods touch when your throat closes up and it streams down your face and your heart nearly bursts. Whew! We have been praying for healing and we meant Jeff's body. God knew some hearts needed healing too.

Great things about today:

Jeff is a little better.
No more hiccups!!!
I took a shower for the first time in 2 days.
Friends posted pics of Luke at midnight madness.
Goodness is contagious and we've been exposed to a lot!

Love, Jeff and Leta

End of the day

We are making it through this tough day minute by minute. My Mom was up here and that calmed us both. Jeffs hiccups stopped at one and he had four hours of relief. But after two bites of supper they are back! NO!!! We are praying they don't last all night again.

Luke has Midnight Madness tonight - first workout in pads. We're sick we can't be there to watch him. All my friends in Happy will have to be his substitute parents tonight. Go Luke! Go Cowboys!

Blessings today:
Good medicine that has stopped some of the agony.
My friend Meg brought supper for my family and brownies for me. She lives in Lubbock and came all the way up here. Overwhelmed by her love and friendship!
A rain shower!
Sisters.
My Mom.
Saying "in sickness and in health" over 19 years ago and finding out you really mean it.


We only have about 22 hours left in round one of chemotherapy!!! I really want to meet someone that has done all 6 rounds of this and check them out. They must be superman.

Over and out.
Jeff and Leta

Oh my!

We thought it couldn't get any worse.......

Jeff and I totally underestimated the term "tough chemotherapy". I mean really, Jeff's so young and healthy and strong. He's the toughest guy I know. And apparently he's doing better than most people on this type of chemotherapy. Dr Patel told us most people end up in ICU or have to stop the chemotherapy early. But Jeff is still in the game. 28 hours to go!!!

I won't go on and on about all the side effects but I do have to tell you about the worst one. Chronic hiccups! They started last night around 5. He's had them for 19 hours. They've tried multiple meds and I think we are getting it figured out. Can you imagine? We had no idea that was a side effect but it is. It has ruined our moods and induced quite the colorful language

So, Luke is at football, Jake and Gracie are with my sisters and I called in the best nurse ever to take care of Jeff (and me). My Mom will be here any minute!!! Thank God!

We are on our knees. Praying fiercely! Weary but determined. Glad you are all on our team!
Peace, Jeff and Leta

Up and Down

This has been an exhausting couple of days. But were more than half way through and Jeff IS doing this! Yesterday was really bad. They finally started him on pain meeds and he is sleeping more and suffering less. This morning he felt better and walked down the hall but that was all the energy he had and now he's feeling bad again. The dr came by and said everything is very normal. We were shocked to find out Jeff had gained ten pounds in two days! That's a lot of fluid. So they're trying to get a handle on that. I teased him that it was probably just PMS. He didn't think I was funny at all! In fact there's really nothing funny about this at all. We've tried to stay light hearted but it's just too much.

The only light in all of this is the love and support of our friends and family. Special thanks to Dean for getting Jeff up and walking this morning. I also had a great visit from my childhood friend, Christine. Her sister is very sick with cancer but came to see me anyway! Oh and my sister Katie brought/snuck me wine in a sippy cup last night so I could go to sleep.

As bad as it is we are still saying: God is good all the time!

Please keep praying for Jeff!
Love to you all, Jeff and Leta

Chemotherapy- day 2

They said it would be bad and unfortunately they were right. Jeff is receiving 5 kinds of chemotherapy but the worst one is called Interleukin-2. The first 4 didn't cause any problems at all but #5 has kicked his ass! He has a fever and horrible headache. He feels like he has the worst flu ever. They are trying to keep him comfortable. Trying! Only 3 1/2 more days of round one. But were already thinking: Can he do 6 rounds of this? Or even 2?

The nurses here are fabulous!!! Yesterday his nurse said she was going to lunch and asked if we wanted anything. We never got this treatment at MDA. My Aunt Rosanne is a nurse on this floor so that makes us feel safe.

Please pray for physical and mental strength for Jeff. Pray this medicine is doing it's job and killing off this cancer. Pray this week passes quickly and we can move on to healing.

Love! Jeff and Leta