I loved him so much. I truly did. The first time I saw him I knew. We met in high school. He was a junior and I was a sophomore at Canyon High School. We had typing together. Mrs. Cotton - I'll never forget. He was a cowboy and I was ....... not. I loved drama and music and and being popular. ( Can you picture that?) I had a huge crush on him and he paid no attention to me. Fast forward four years to WT. We saw each other at a Maine's Brothers dance in the Activity Center. I knew he was the one and he said he didn't remember my name but he had dreamed about me for years. True story. We were together from that day on. I told him I loved him every day - unless I was SO mad at him. I hugged and kissed him everyday. He loved me too. He wanted to have 5 kids. I told him he should have married me when I was 14. He was smart and funny and he worked so hard. I thought he was the cutest boy I had ever seen. He thought he was always right and he drove me crazy. I always won and he was good with that.
So today, one year later, I'm thinking about him. Today I am remembering, and I am overwhelmingly sad. But I am choosing happiness. I'm choosing life and I'm choosing to go on. He would be so mad if I didn't. This will not be the end of me or my kids. Instead of marking this day as something that haunts me, I will take this day to be thankful for the time I had with a wonderful man. The older I get the more I realize that we had something that was special and unique. Man it was a gift! I will cherish it always and hold it close.
I swear I'm smiling.
Leta
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
Tuesday, September 3, 2013
September
I can't believe it's September. I honestly can't believe it. This is a very tough time for me and the kids, because our memories of this time last year are seared into our brains. Jeff was sick for almost 3 years and a lot of that is blurry and lost due to stress. But we remember last year. We remember how sick he was and how all we wanted was for him to get better and at the same time we wanted his suffering to be over. I remember school starting and how the kids didn't want to go and Jeff didn't want them to either. I remember Luke facing his senior year and football starting. I remember Gracie and Jake being so lost all the time and finally realizing their Daddy was going to die. I remember being so scared, terrified. I couldn't imagine losing him and living without him. But here I am, almost a year later. Luke has started college and is planting his first wheat crop on his own. Gracie and Jake are back in school and our little family of 3 is tight.
This year was something I could never have envisioned. I would certainly say I will never be the same. I don't know if I'm better or worse but my sense of self, being a mother, a daughter, a sister and a friend are still intact. I've gone back to kickboxing. I read a lot. I've drank a lot of wine. I've laughed with friends. I volunteered. I've felt sorry for myself. I've hauled sheep all over the state of Texas with my kids. I sometimes sleep. I still wear my wedding ring. I went on a couple of vacations. I have purposely not read any books on grief. I've gone back to church more. I'm still slightly mad at God but trying not to be. I cry more than the average person. I talk about Jeff and tell stories about him, especially to the kids. I've appreciated that life has gone on. I've celebrated in the birth of new babies. I've had to check the "widow" box on forms. I've met people that don't know my husband died of cancer and I didn't tell them. I've shared my grief with friends who also lost loved ones this year to cancer. I've been optimistic. I've been a pessimist. I don't go out to the farm much because I can't bear to love that place without Jeff in it. I've been places and thought I'd seen Jeff. I've spontaneously thought I should call Jeff to tell him something important. I've prayed a lot. I've been hopeful. I've been really, really sad. I have tried to fill myself with love and peace in a way that will center me and anchor me so that I can stand straight, walk forward into life and raise my kids. It's all I know to do.
Maybe one day I will write the book on grief.
Leta
Tuesday, June 4, 2013
The Reality of it All
The reality is our lives are moving on - whether we want them to or not. Life is pulling us forward and we are part of that motion. At moments we are involved and participating with that call and at other times we are simply in the stream and being moved along.
The reality is we don't cry every day anymore but at times we cry harder than ever. I'm talking about me and Luke and Gracie and Jake. We think about "this time last year" and we remember all the time.
We try to remember the times before cancer and death and we can't understand what we used to be.
The reality is Luke graduated from high school last week and we did it without Jeff. It was unreal and unbelievable. He was here and now he's not. Luke is desperately needing his Daddy and memories aren't containing us. Reality is sometimes more than we can take.
The reality is we are surrounded by friends and family that are loving us through all of this. But there are those that still hurt us. Luke received a gift and card for graduation that said these words, "I am so sorry for the loss your family has endured this last year. I believe the Devil thought it would destroy you......" The author went on to tell us how much God loves us. Really. I wish I could have saved Luke from reading that card. Just one more sting. How dare you assume the devil would destroy us.
The reality is the devil is not among us. We are choosing love and goodness. To tell us otherwise is ignorant and wrong. You don't know us. You have never lost someone or you would have never written those words. We are wiser than you and I know my children in ways that most parents don't. We are a team. My children are too young to define themselves, but I know who I am. I am not a judge. And I will surround myself with people who share in my tolerance and peace. And I will raise my children in that kind of love and never in that kind of fear. Never.
The reality is we are changing. We are defining ourselves as a different family. Three kids and a mom. And soon it will be a son at college and a two kids and a mom. It's not who we thought we would be but it's who we are and we will be that. And we will be okay with that.
The reality is we are more sensitive. That reality will serve us and also cause us more grief, but it is true. We will always look for the good but be we are aware of all that can go wrong. We will hope for the best but know the definition of the worst. When we love you, we will mean it. But when you hurt us you will wound us in ways that will deepen our scars. My children will grow into life with an understanding of life and death and love and trust that most of their peers won't understand.
The reality is Jeff died over 8 months ago and we are still grieving that loss. The end is not in sight. We are living our lives and moving forward. We experience good things everyday and have all the hope in the world for our future. We are going to put as much love as we can out into the world that God created for us. We are not going to hate or condemn or judge, no matter what the world throws at us.
Wow. I just wrote all of that and I really meant every word.
Leta
The reality is we don't cry every day anymore but at times we cry harder than ever. I'm talking about me and Luke and Gracie and Jake. We think about "this time last year" and we remember all the time.
We try to remember the times before cancer and death and we can't understand what we used to be.
The reality is Luke graduated from high school last week and we did it without Jeff. It was unreal and unbelievable. He was here and now he's not. Luke is desperately needing his Daddy and memories aren't containing us. Reality is sometimes more than we can take.
The reality is we are surrounded by friends and family that are loving us through all of this. But there are those that still hurt us. Luke received a gift and card for graduation that said these words, "I am so sorry for the loss your family has endured this last year. I believe the Devil thought it would destroy you......" The author went on to tell us how much God loves us. Really. I wish I could have saved Luke from reading that card. Just one more sting. How dare you assume the devil would destroy us.
The reality is the devil is not among us. We are choosing love and goodness. To tell us otherwise is ignorant and wrong. You don't know us. You have never lost someone or you would have never written those words. We are wiser than you and I know my children in ways that most parents don't. We are a team. My children are too young to define themselves, but I know who I am. I am not a judge. And I will surround myself with people who share in my tolerance and peace. And I will raise my children in that kind of love and never in that kind of fear. Never.
The reality is we are changing. We are defining ourselves as a different family. Three kids and a mom. And soon it will be a son at college and a two kids and a mom. It's not who we thought we would be but it's who we are and we will be that. And we will be okay with that.
The reality is we are more sensitive. That reality will serve us and also cause us more grief, but it is true. We will always look for the good but be we are aware of all that can go wrong. We will hope for the best but know the definition of the worst. When we love you, we will mean it. But when you hurt us you will wound us in ways that will deepen our scars. My children will grow into life with an understanding of life and death and love and trust that most of their peers won't understand.
The reality is Jeff died over 8 months ago and we are still grieving that loss. The end is not in sight. We are living our lives and moving forward. We experience good things everyday and have all the hope in the world for our future. We are going to put as much love as we can out into the world that God created for us. We are not going to hate or condemn or judge, no matter what the world throws at us.
Wow. I just wrote all of that and I really meant every word.
Leta
Wednesday, April 17, 2013
Wishes
Of course we all wish for things all the time. And recently we all wished that another violent tragedy had not occurred. The kids and I have given up on wishing because we have a very different perspective.
Someone made the comment to me how lucky I was that Jeff didn't die suddenly. We had time to plan and say goodbye. We had time to get some perspective. After I gritted my teeth, counted to ten and took pause, I tried to see her point. Yes we did have some of those things, that is true. But we also had no innocence to our situation. We knew he was going to die and we could do nothing about that. The level of anxiety and grief that we lived with was tremendous. I don't know that I could ever choose. Neither scenario is "lucky". But I do want to share my opinion about wishes. Jake told me the other night how he wished his Daddy was still alive. But he said he couldn't wish that because he didn't want him to have to be alive with cancer. So he really wished two things, that Jeff didn't have cancer and he didn't die. And Jake didn't know if it was fair to ask for so much.
And now I will tell you about the worse kind of wishing. When Jeff was so sick and in pain and not Jeff anymore. When he wasn't really living and didn't know where he was. When he hallucinated and begged to be free from his pain. When there was no chance for cure or hope or comfort, we wished he would die. We really did. How horrible are we? We just wanted the suffering to stop, for all of us. Because we all were suffering. And now that he is gone we are still wishing. But now it is more remembering. We know he's not coming back and we are trying to remember all the good and funny things about Jeff.
Our grief is cycling. Good times and bad times. Every shooting or bombing or car wreck or accident touches our tender hearts. Because we know that whether you die suddenly or not, you still do a lot of wishing that your life was different.
Leta
Someone made the comment to me how lucky I was that Jeff didn't die suddenly. We had time to plan and say goodbye. We had time to get some perspective. After I gritted my teeth, counted to ten and took pause, I tried to see her point. Yes we did have some of those things, that is true. But we also had no innocence to our situation. We knew he was going to die and we could do nothing about that. The level of anxiety and grief that we lived with was tremendous. I don't know that I could ever choose. Neither scenario is "lucky". But I do want to share my opinion about wishes. Jake told me the other night how he wished his Daddy was still alive. But he said he couldn't wish that because he didn't want him to have to be alive with cancer. So he really wished two things, that Jeff didn't have cancer and he didn't die. And Jake didn't know if it was fair to ask for so much.
And now I will tell you about the worse kind of wishing. When Jeff was so sick and in pain and not Jeff anymore. When he wasn't really living and didn't know where he was. When he hallucinated and begged to be free from his pain. When there was no chance for cure or hope or comfort, we wished he would die. We really did. How horrible are we? We just wanted the suffering to stop, for all of us. Because we all were suffering. And now that he is gone we are still wishing. But now it is more remembering. We know he's not coming back and we are trying to remember all the good and funny things about Jeff.
Our grief is cycling. Good times and bad times. Every shooting or bombing or car wreck or accident touches our tender hearts. Because we know that whether you die suddenly or not, you still do a lot of wishing that your life was different.
Leta
Friday, April 5, 2013
A Break
There has been a unexpected break. Isn't that just how life is? You think it's one way and then it's not. Repeat that to yourself. That is my life and you have no idea.
The break is not earth shattering, but very meaningful. I am volunteering at school. Those are some small words but they are working for me. I use to teach school - 14 years ago was my last day, the day Gracie was born. I've been home ever since. I've been busy raising kids, paying the bills, keeping the house, cooking, cleaning, taking care of a sick husband. I really do need to redefine myself!
So a couple of weeks ago I jumped at the chance, hesitantly, and volunteered in 3rd and 4th grade to help them get ready for the STAAR test. I've been there everyday for 3 weeks and those children have breathed their joy and energy right into me. It's been an unexpected blessing that I will gladly take. I should have remembered. I should have known. Children can do that. I am moving in a familiar way and stretching some forgotten muscles. Man, those kids! Loving them all. Being on my A Game. Doing my best. Trying to be patient. Teaching them and helping our school. Thank you God for this little moment. And bless those children.
Here's my secret. When I talk to them, when I help them, when I teach them I also pray over them. And it is healing me.
My family is doing well. My kids are growing and adjusting and moving forward. Gracie is 14 on Monday. Luke will graduate in May. Jake is so much happier. Life is moving forward and we seem to have jumped into the current that is moving us along.
Love,
Leta
Saturday, February 16, 2013
On the Road Again
The kids and I just returned from the San Antonio Stock Show. Two weeks before that we were at the Ft Worth Stock Show. It has been great fun - a total escape from reality. I didn't realize how much we needed to get away. We were away from our regular routine and the feeling of just having to get through a day. Things were new and everything was different and no one gave us that "sad, I feel sorry for you" look. It was bliss! And we were thankful for that break.
The kids have done pretty good showing their sheep. Gracie made the sale at SA. Of course we were trying to make sure that happened for Luke since he's a senior but it didn't turn out that way. His lamb did get pulled by the judge but didn't place high enough to make the sale. He handled it like a champ. We are counting it as a success for the Smith Family!
Jake was a wild ten year old boy most of the time and drove us crazy. Until he really had to work and pay attention and then he did and he was positively adorable! I took some beautiful pictures of him showing his sheep. And for three seconds I started to forward it to Jeff. Because that's what I do every year. He's still with us all the time. Even when we are escaping from reality.
We got home and it's almost worse than when we left. Because he's still not here. It doesn't feel quite right. It's not 100% home. We are wanting that feeling. We need the "Ah, it's good to be home." We need it to be just right. We need it to feel comforting, cozy and safe. It does a little but not enough.
So that's where we are, trying to be happy and normal but still grieving so much. I think we are healing. We are still able to love a lot so I think that's a good sign. And I watch my kids accept the love and kindness from others. It's just like dessert. Yes, I'd like some more!
Houston Stock show is in three weeks. Yippee!
Leta
The kids have done pretty good showing their sheep. Gracie made the sale at SA. Of course we were trying to make sure that happened for Luke since he's a senior but it didn't turn out that way. His lamb did get pulled by the judge but didn't place high enough to make the sale. He handled it like a champ. We are counting it as a success for the Smith Family!
Jake was a wild ten year old boy most of the time and drove us crazy. Until he really had to work and pay attention and then he did and he was positively adorable! I took some beautiful pictures of him showing his sheep. And for three seconds I started to forward it to Jeff. Because that's what I do every year. He's still with us all the time. Even when we are escaping from reality.
We got home and it's almost worse than when we left. Because he's still not here. It doesn't feel quite right. It's not 100% home. We are wanting that feeling. We need the "Ah, it's good to be home." We need it to be just right. We need it to feel comforting, cozy and safe. It does a little but not enough.
So that's where we are, trying to be happy and normal but still grieving so much. I think we are healing. We are still able to love a lot so I think that's a good sign. And I watch my kids accept the love and kindness from others. It's just like dessert. Yes, I'd like some more!
Houston Stock show is in three weeks. Yippee!
Leta
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Where Everybody Knows Your Name
Anger and frustration are giving way to super sadness. It's a kind of sadness I never knew existed. And my sadness is magnified a million times by watching my children suffer. We are entering a new phase of grieving and I want it to be over. Honestly, I just pray for time to pass quickly.
Last week was our County Stock Show. It was a painful blessing. Jeff grew up showing steers in Randall County - just like his kids, only they show sheep. You all know by now I never set foot in a barn until the day I met Jeff Smith. The irony in this situation is stock showing is something I did more with the kids than Jeff. He was so busy and I was the one with all the time. I learned to haul a trailer, give a lamb a shot and was by far a better shearer than Jeff. Huh!! It is a time that I shared with the kids more than Jeff. But his presence was deeply missed.
Last Saturday we were back in his old stomping grounds. And I had not properly prepared me or the kids for the experience. About ten minutes before the show I was approached and asked if they could dedicate the show in Jeff's memory. What an honor!! And what a surprise. I scrambled to steady myself and tell the kids. We did well to hold it together. So many beautiful and gracious gestures were made. Our Happy 4H donated money to the lamb showmanship winners. (Gracie won the Jr Showmanship) It ended up to be an impossible day.
I don't ever want to sound ungrateful. I'm not. But it is so hard. So many people wanted to talk about Jeff and we just wanted to be normal. I know that is a horrible thing to say but it's how we felt and I'm just saying it. Right or wrong - it just is. People were so kind and emotional. I cried and cried and tried to take in all the goodness. Eventually I hid in the car with my friend Jennifer and drank a beer and lost my mojo. But I found a balance and went back in and faced it all and finished the day. I was so lucky to be surrounded by friends and family that held me up all day.
One big thought that was with me all day, this time last year (One. Year. Ago) we had just found out the chemo didn't work. We told the kids and decided to go to the stock show anyway. I can't believe it's been a year.
We are wounded. And I worry that the scars are permanent. Like we will never be okay. But..... I try to let that go. I'm trying to love my kids and do things like stock show. I'm trying. And they're trying. We really are. Please continue to hold us close and hug us and talk to us and be with us. Even if we don't want to talk about it or even if we cry. It's still us. Me and Luke and Gracie and Jake. We still need you. Even when we don't show it.
Loving you all,
Leta
Last week was our County Stock Show. It was a painful blessing. Jeff grew up showing steers in Randall County - just like his kids, only they show sheep. You all know by now I never set foot in a barn until the day I met Jeff Smith. The irony in this situation is stock showing is something I did more with the kids than Jeff. He was so busy and I was the one with all the time. I learned to haul a trailer, give a lamb a shot and was by far a better shearer than Jeff. Huh!! It is a time that I shared with the kids more than Jeff. But his presence was deeply missed.
Last Saturday we were back in his old stomping grounds. And I had not properly prepared me or the kids for the experience. About ten minutes before the show I was approached and asked if they could dedicate the show in Jeff's memory. What an honor!! And what a surprise. I scrambled to steady myself and tell the kids. We did well to hold it together. So many beautiful and gracious gestures were made. Our Happy 4H donated money to the lamb showmanship winners. (Gracie won the Jr Showmanship) It ended up to be an impossible day.
I don't ever want to sound ungrateful. I'm not. But it is so hard. So many people wanted to talk about Jeff and we just wanted to be normal. I know that is a horrible thing to say but it's how we felt and I'm just saying it. Right or wrong - it just is. People were so kind and emotional. I cried and cried and tried to take in all the goodness. Eventually I hid in the car with my friend Jennifer and drank a beer and lost my mojo. But I found a balance and went back in and faced it all and finished the day. I was so lucky to be surrounded by friends and family that held me up all day.
One big thought that was with me all day, this time last year (One. Year. Ago) we had just found out the chemo didn't work. We told the kids and decided to go to the stock show anyway. I can't believe it's been a year.
We are wounded. And I worry that the scars are permanent. Like we will never be okay. But..... I try to let that go. I'm trying to love my kids and do things like stock show. I'm trying. And they're trying. We really are. Please continue to hold us close and hug us and talk to us and be with us. Even if we don't want to talk about it or even if we cry. It's still us. Me and Luke and Gracie and Jake. We still need you. Even when we don't show it.
Loving you all,
Leta
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Onward
We are moving on into a new year. I won't even try to imagine what this year will hold for my family. I gave up on that a long time ago. No resolutions. No expectation. It's just better that way. Our only goal is just to keep on going.
We made it through Christmas and it was surprisingly okay. The kids were very distracted by presents. We were around a lot of family but they were "fun chaos" and helped fill our time. Now we are back to reality and a busy schedule. Of course we would all glue ourselves to the TV and couch in a second if we could. We fight those feelings everyday. We don't really want to do anything, we just are because we are supposed to. Another strange feeling is how selfish we feel right now. It is ALL about us and how we feel. And how other people or things or events make us feel. It's impossible to shake right now but I hope our perspective changes back to a healthy view eventually. In the mean time I hope we aren't walking around offending people all the time. I've said it before, we are not ourselves.
I've recently gotten a lot of business things finalized and taken care of. Jeff was meticulous in setting things up for me and the kids. When he wasn't able to physically work he mentally was still in the game and got a lot done. There were many things I didn't know he was doing and am just finding out now. But it's still been hard. I've had to check the box marked "widow" and it took my breath away and rebroke my heart. I've had two people at the grocery store ask me how Jeff was doing. I've really got to stop going to the grocery store! I'm having to do things that Jeff always took care of. And just because I don't like them doesn't give me the option of not doing them.
I'm praying for endurance. I'm praying for little shots of happiness for me and the kids - really my kids. I'm praying for less anxiety and more peace. I'm praying that depression and bitterness don't invade. I'm praying that time will go quickly and that healing will hurry up.
Leta
I'm also really and truly praying for rain. It's starting to get a little spooky!
We made it through Christmas and it was surprisingly okay. The kids were very distracted by presents. We were around a lot of family but they were "fun chaos" and helped fill our time. Now we are back to reality and a busy schedule. Of course we would all glue ourselves to the TV and couch in a second if we could. We fight those feelings everyday. We don't really want to do anything, we just are because we are supposed to. Another strange feeling is how selfish we feel right now. It is ALL about us and how we feel. And how other people or things or events make us feel. It's impossible to shake right now but I hope our perspective changes back to a healthy view eventually. In the mean time I hope we aren't walking around offending people all the time. I've said it before, we are not ourselves.
I've recently gotten a lot of business things finalized and taken care of. Jeff was meticulous in setting things up for me and the kids. When he wasn't able to physically work he mentally was still in the game and got a lot done. There were many things I didn't know he was doing and am just finding out now. But it's still been hard. I've had to check the box marked "widow" and it took my breath away and rebroke my heart. I've had two people at the grocery store ask me how Jeff was doing. I've really got to stop going to the grocery store! I'm having to do things that Jeff always took care of. And just because I don't like them doesn't give me the option of not doing them.
I'm praying for endurance. I'm praying for little shots of happiness for me and the kids - really my kids. I'm praying for less anxiety and more peace. I'm praying that depression and bitterness don't invade. I'm praying that time will go quickly and that healing will hurry up.
Leta
I'm also really and truly praying for rain. It's starting to get a little spooky!
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