Secret of life according to Jeff and Leta

We're in the rough days. Chemo is bad and recovery is almost worse. These are the pep talk days. I keep telling Jeff by the end of the week he will be strong enough for Luke to drive him around to check cattle. It's hard to be patient. Jeff has lost 10 lbs but still has another 20 or so to go. His rash is gone but all the edema has caused his skin to itch and peel.

This morning I was feeling a little insecure about all of this so I Googled Interleukin 2. I know that can be dangerous. Sometimes it's more information than you want. Words like "grim" can sting! But I had just had a big cup of coffee and was feeling brave. It was good news/okay news. The good news is that most ALL people on Interleukin 2 respond exactly like Jeff. The list of common side effects described Jeff. One sentence was hard to read. "There is no relationship between the presence or severity of side effects and the effectiveness of the medication." Sting! In our minds this treatment HAS to be working. But then I kept reading and felt a little better to know, "It is the only drug available that even has a possibility of a profoundly positive and lengthy effect." Its Jeff's only chance of treatment. He's got to to it.

So how do we make sense of all this information and up and down feelings? We tried to make it as simple as possible. Today we will try to give and receive as much goodness as we can. There it is. The secret of life according to Jeff and Leta. It's not entirely profound but it works for us today.

Love,
Jeff and Leta

Friends

Jeff and I had some great talks last night. We are both so tired but can't seem to really sleep. We doze and then wake up from anxiety and weird dreams. So we just talked. We really like to just basically count our blessings. So last night I was telling him about all the emails, phone calls, text messages and visits. He was very comforted by all of that. During a crisis like cancer you really find assurance in your true friends. Yes, a few people have surprised us and have left us in the dust but cancer is scary and it might be too much for some people. But really that's how we want it. No drama, just love and support. And that's how real friends do it anyway. Jeff gave the best example,"I thinks it's funny when people see me and ask how I'm doing. I always say great even though that's not the truth at all. My real friends know what I mean and are asking because they sincerely want to know how I am. And people who ask so they can gossip or just make conversation don't really care about the answer anyway."
We've got into the habit of calling our friends and family "our team". We love to think of it that way. It's a group of people all working toward and wanting the same goal. And a team wants to win! Thanks again for being on our team. We feel like were unbeatable together. We will fight and win and beat cancer!

Exhausted,
Jeff and Leta

Home tomorrow

We are happy to report that things are good enough for Jeff to go home tomorrow. He's out of the fog and more himself today. He has gained 28 lbs since Monday. Unbelievable! We just weighed him and he's down 4 lbs. Good but not great. His kidney function is better but still not back to normal. They've put him back on pain meds because of his terrible thrush infection. This time that seems to be his biggest complaint.

We are anxious to be going home tomorrow. We are so tired and weary. Jeff describes the after effects of chemo as being run over by a truck. We decided to only think in terms of today. The future is too much to handle. So for today things are better. Chemo is over for now and Jeff is on the mend. Thanks for all the love and prayers.

Peace,
Jeff and Leta

Finished with Round 2

Dr. Patel just came by and stopped the chemo. Jeff's kidneys couldn't take anymore and his rash was a million times worse. He took about 90% this time. I'm sad but relieved. Jeff is still out of it and doesn't know. The good news is he should start to improve by the minute and get to go home tomorrow or Sunday.

Jeff will have more CAT scans in about 2 weeks to see if the chemo is working. If it is he will continue the chemo for up to 6 rounds. That is our prayer now. That this torture has been worth it and it is killing the cancer.

Leta

Just a little breakdown

Our second wind yesterday lasted about 30 minutes. I was kidding myself that we would coast through the end. Things are very intense. Last night Jeff's rash got worse which makes him so uncomfortable. He officially hit 200 lbs and his kidneys are starting to show that they're working too hard. But the worst part for me is he is starting to hallucinate. He was so upset with me last night that I continued to park my car in our room. I couldn't convince him there was no car. He started to say some spooky stuff and I lost my mojo and had the big cry in front of three nurses. I'm sure they think I've lost my mind too. It was just so hard to see Jeff like that. He's usually my rock and so dependable and in charge. I just couldn't take it. Of course when the nurses came to check on him he said, "My name is Jeff and I'm 44 years old. I'm at BSA in the hospital receiving chemo." Huh! I guess he just saves all the crazy love for me. They called the doctor and he said hallucinations are common at this point in the chemo. So I'm looking forward to the next 36 hours. His last dose of Interleuken will start tonight and run 24 hours.

I'm very sad that I will miss Luke's first game tonight. I thought I might be able to go for a minute but it's now obvious I can't leave Jeff. Please cheer for the cowboys if you're in Happy tonight. #90 just shaved his head for his Daddy! I love that boy SO much. I told him the other night that it's no fair to go through adolecense the same time your Dad has cancer. He is really struggling. So if you can, try to get close enough to put some love on that 240 lb boy. He will resist!

A special thanks today for all my family and friends who have taken care of me and Jeff and the kids. It seems like an impossible task. We have so many needs and miraculously they are all being met. I'm very humbled to witness Gods love through so many people.

I'm going to drink a giant coffee and start my day. Here I go. Well I might watch the Today Show for a minute but then I'm going to get going, I swear!

Fraying at the ends,
Jeff and Leta (mostly Leta, Jeff is totally out of it)

He's doing it!

Dr. Patel just stopped by and said Jeff is doing great and thinks he will be able to withstand 100% of the Interleuken 2 this time. What great news! His blood counts are normal and his rash is better thanks to a simple antihistimine. We are managing his pain and trying to get a handle on the new thrush infection that he has in his mouth and throat. Yuck!

One funny moment: He was having terrible pain last night in his hips and stomach. I was getting worried until we figured out he was just strangling in his underwear. I know that sounds crazy but it all made sense when they weighed him. He's up nearly 20 lbs!!! His skin is starting to get tight and shiny. They're giving him more Lasix today so I hope he doesn't retain more fluid. We still have 48 hours to go. He is scheduled to start his last dose of interleuken Friday evening but it takes 24 hours for the full dose to drip in. I hope we are home by Sunday.

Thanks for all the support and prayers. We feel like we've got a second wind and I hope it sustains us. It doesn't seem so scary today. It's bad but we know more of what to expect. I guess that's our normal now. Lesson learned: Dont let your underwear get too tight!

Love,
Jeff and Leta

Tough

Jeff is hanging in there today. All the horrible symptoms have returned. Fever, bright red rash and 15 extra lbs of fluid. I think his pain is better managed this time and he hasn't had the hiccups. A lot of the time he is really out of it which I think is the most humane way to take this kind of chemo. As unaware as possible. But he will have moments of lucidness and wants to talk about everything going on. He is very aware of the seriousness of the situation. We often debate treatment or not. To undergo this with only 10% odds of a cure are sure enough reason to question treatment. But I want to tell you how tough Jeff Smith is. He's always been tough. Ironically his Daddy was chronically ill all of Jeff's childhood. He took on great responsibility at a very young age to work on their farm. He has always pushed himself physically and mentally to get the job done. No one I know works harder than Jeff! He put himself through college and was the first in his family to get a degree. He worked to get his family out of debt and also started his own business. We agreed this morning that he's "trained" his whole life for this moment, to be this tough. If anyone can do this it's Jeff. And he is going to do this. He's doing it for himself but also for me and Luke and Gracie and Jake. He's showing his kids how to take a bad situation and still give it your all.
Sorry to be so serious today. It's a hard day. Tomorrow I will tell you all the ways Jeff drives me crazy and how we are SO not perfect! Today we just had to feel a little of the gloom and doom.
Hanging in there,
Jeff and Leta