Wishes

Of course we all wish for things all the time. And recently we all wished that another violent tragedy had not occurred.  The kids and I have given up on wishing because we have a very different perspective.

Someone made the comment to me how lucky I was that Jeff didn't die suddenly.  We had time to plan and say goodbye.  We had time to get some perspective.  After I gritted my teeth, counted to ten and took pause,  I tried to see her point.  Yes we did have some of those things, that is true.  But we also had no innocence to our situation.  We knew he was going to die and we could do nothing about that.  The level of anxiety and grief that we lived with was tremendous.  I don't know that I could ever choose.  Neither scenario is "lucky".  But I do want to share my opinion about wishes.  Jake told me the other night how he wished his Daddy was still alive.  But he said he couldn't wish that because he didn't want him to have to be alive with cancer.  So he really wished two things, that Jeff didn't have cancer and he didn't die.  And Jake didn't know if it was fair to ask for so much.

And now I will tell you about the worse kind of wishing.  When Jeff was so sick and in pain and not Jeff anymore.  When he wasn't really living and didn't know where he was.  When he hallucinated and begged to be free from his pain.  When there was no chance for cure or hope or comfort, we wished he would die.  We really did.  How horrible are we?  We just wanted the suffering to stop, for all of us.  Because we all were suffering.  And now that he is gone  we are still wishing.  But now it is more remembering.  We know he's not coming back and we are trying to remember all the good and funny things about Jeff.

Our grief is cycling.  Good times and bad times.  Every shooting or bombing or car wreck or accident touches our tender hearts.  Because we know that whether you die suddenly or not, you still do a lot of wishing that your life was different.

Leta

A Break

There has been a unexpected break. Isn't that just how life is? You think it's one way and then it's not. Repeat that to yourself. That is my life and you have no idea. The break is not earth shattering, but very meaningful. I am volunteering at school. Those are some small words but they are working for me. I use to teach school - 14 years ago was my last day, the day Gracie was born. I've been home ever since. I've been busy raising kids, paying the bills, keeping the house, cooking, cleaning, taking care of a sick husband. I really do need to redefine myself! So a couple of weeks ago I jumped at the chance, hesitantly, and volunteered in 3rd and 4th grade to help them get ready for the STAAR test. I've been there everyday for 3 weeks and those children have breathed their joy and energy right into me. It's been an unexpected blessing that I will gladly take. I should have remembered. I should have known. Children can do that. I am moving in a familiar way and stretching some forgotten muscles. Man, those kids! Loving them all. Being on my A Game. Doing my best. Trying to be patient. Teaching them and helping our school. Thank you God for this little moment. And bless those children. Here's my secret. When I talk to them, when I help them, when I teach them I also pray over them. And it is healing me. My family is doing well. My kids are growing and adjusting and moving forward. Gracie is 14 on Monday. Luke will graduate in May. Jake is so much happier. Life is moving forward and we seem to have jumped into the current that is moving us along. Love, Leta

On the Road Again

The kids and I just returned from the San Antonio Stock Show.  Two weeks before that we were at the Ft Worth Stock Show.  It has been great fun - a total escape from reality.  I didn't realize how much we needed to get away.  We were away from our regular routine and the feeling of just having to get through a day.  Things were new and everything was different and no one gave us that "sad, I feel sorry for you" look.  It was bliss!  And we were thankful for that break.

The kids have done pretty good showing their sheep.  Gracie made the sale at SA.  Of course we were trying to make sure that happened for Luke since he's a senior but it didn't turn out that way.  His lamb did get pulled by the judge but didn't place high enough to make the sale.   He handled it like a champ.  We are counting it as a success for the Smith Family!

Jake was a wild ten year old boy most of the time and drove us crazy.  Until he really had to work and pay attention and then he did and he was positively adorable!  I took some beautiful pictures of him showing his sheep.  And for three seconds I started to forward it to Jeff.  Because that's what I do every year.  He's still with us all the time.  Even when we are escaping from reality.

We got home and it's almost worse than when we left.  Because he's still not here.  It doesn't feel quite right.  It's not 100% home.  We are wanting that feeling.  We need the "Ah, it's good to be home."  We need it to be just right.  We need it to feel comforting, cozy and safe.  It does a little but not enough.

So that's where we are, trying to be happy and normal but still grieving so much.  I think we are healing.  We are still able to love a lot so I think that's a good sign.  And I watch my kids accept the love and kindness from others.  It's just like dessert.  Yes, I'd like some more!

Houston Stock show is in three weeks.  Yippee!

Leta

Where Everybody Knows Your Name

Anger and frustration are giving way to super sadness.  It's a kind of sadness I never knew existed.  And my sadness is magnified a million times by watching my children suffer.  We are entering a new phase of grieving and I want it to be over.  Honestly,  I just pray for time to pass quickly.

Last week was our County Stock Show.  It was a painful blessing.  Jeff grew up showing steers in Randall County - just like his kids, only they show sheep.   You all know by now I never set foot in a barn until the day I met Jeff Smith.  The irony in this situation is stock showing is something I did more with the kids than Jeff.  He was so busy and I was the one with all the time.  I learned to haul a trailer, give a lamb a shot and was by far a better shearer than Jeff.  Huh!!  It is a time that I shared with the kids more than Jeff.  But his presence was deeply missed.

Last Saturday we were back in his old stomping grounds.  And I had not properly prepared me or the kids for the experience.  About ten minutes before the show I was approached and asked if they could dedicate the show in Jeff's memory.  What an honor!! And what a surprise.  I scrambled to steady myself and tell the kids.  We did well to hold it together.  So many beautiful and gracious gestures were made.  Our Happy 4H donated money to the lamb showmanship winners. (Gracie won the Jr Showmanship) It ended up to be an impossible day.

I don't ever want to sound ungrateful.  I'm not.  But it is so hard.  So many people wanted to talk about Jeff and we just wanted to be normal.  I know that is a horrible thing to say but it's how we felt and I'm just saying it.  Right or wrong - it just is.  People were so kind and emotional.  I cried and cried and tried to take in all the goodness.  Eventually I hid in the car with my friend Jennifer and drank a beer and lost my mojo.  But I found a balance and went back in and faced it all and finished the day.  I was so lucky to be surrounded by friends and family that held me up all day.

One big thought that was with me all day, this time last year (One. Year. Ago) we had just found out the chemo didn't work.  We told the kids and decided to go to the stock show anyway.  I can't believe it's been a year.

We are wounded.  And I worry that the scars are permanent.  Like we will never be okay.  But..... I try to let that go.  I'm trying to love my kids and do things like stock show.  I'm trying.  And they're trying. We really are. Please continue to hold us close and hug us and talk to us and be with us.  Even if we don't want to talk about it or even if we cry.  It's still us.  Me and Luke and Gracie and Jake.  We still need you.  Even when we don't show it.

Loving you all,
Leta

Onward

We are moving on into a new year.  I won't even try to imagine what this year will hold for my family.  I gave up on that a long time ago.  No resolutions.  No expectation.  It's just better that way.  Our only goal is just to keep on going.
We made it through Christmas and it was surprisingly okay.  The kids were very distracted by presents.  We were around a lot of family but they were "fun chaos" and helped fill our time.  Now we are back to reality and a busy schedule.  Of course we would all glue ourselves to the TV and couch in a second if we could.  We fight those feelings everyday.   We don't really want to do anything, we just are because we are supposed to.  Another strange feeling is how selfish we feel right now.  It is ALL about us and how we feel.  And how other people or things or events make us feel.  It's impossible to shake right now but I hope our perspective changes back to a healthy view eventually.  In the mean time I hope we aren't walking around offending people all the time.  I've said it before, we are not ourselves.
I've recently gotten a lot of business things finalized and taken care of.  Jeff was meticulous in setting things up for me and the kids.  When he wasn't able to physically work he mentally was still in the game and got a lot done.  There were many things I didn't know he was doing and am just finding out now.  But it's still been hard.  I've had to check the box marked "widow" and it took my breath away and rebroke my heart.  I've had two people at the grocery store ask me how Jeff was doing.  I've really got to stop going to the grocery store!  I'm having to do things that Jeff always took care of.  And just because I don't like them doesn't give me the option of not doing them.
I'm praying for endurance.  I'm praying for little shots of happiness for me and the kids - really my kids.  I'm praying for less anxiety and more peace.  I'm praying that depression and bitterness don't invade.  I'm praying that time will go quickly and that healing will hurry up.

Leta

I'm also really and truly praying for rain.  It's starting to get a little spooky!

Comfort for us all

During Jeff's illness we sought a lot of comfort. We looked for people and words and things to ease our pain. I carried around a notebook with important information and things that were special to me. It had some pictures and some prayers that I looked at a lot. I haven't opened the notebook in months but I moved it the other day and a piece of paper containing a prayer must have fallen out. I found it today. I need to share it because I think we all need to be sharing the things that comfort us.  It's really more of a commission, a blessing.  It's something very special to me.

 The words were written by my cousin John to my Aunt Kay.  John was comforting her as she grieved the loss of her daughter, Lauren.  The prayer wasn't about me or Jeff but we held on to it like it was.  We read it a lot.  And today I think there are a lot of people that can hold on to it.  The words are meant for all of us, especially those who are hurting so much today.

"May God, the father of all, firmly set you in the moment,
May you be suffocated by love,
May you have the courage and fortitude to cry, yell, appreciate silence, revel in "keeping busy," and find an interval of laughter.
May the MERCY of Jesus Christ follow all your works.
May your hands find joy, do goodness, and demonstrate love.
May the militant action of the Holy Spirit bring you the Grace of God in whatever moment you find yourself."

We need to generate more mercy, more love for one another and more tolerance to everyone.  I'm in short supply but I am going to do my best.

Leta

12-12-12

It's supposed to be a lucky day. I don't know if I believe in luck but it would be nice to have a good day. Life is continuing to move us along. We are busy. We are sad. We're a little lost. We're trying our best. We're wanting Jeff everyday and some of us are VERY mad. I've come to the conclusion that you have to feel it all sooner or later. So here we are swimming in it. It's not fun and after only three months we are pretty sure there is no ending to this sorrow or a chance we will ever be happy again. The kids and I have one big secret. We can fake it. We can go out in public, we can be around people and we can smile and even laugh. But our little family knows the truth. So we are trying to get through this horrible holiday season. We put up our tree and decorations and lights. We are going through the motions. We didn't go or participate in the Christmas pageant. I don't know if we will go to Christmas Eve church. We limit our exposure to Christmas carols on the radio. And happy, jolly people - well, we steer away from them. The kids are still all in for presents though. Football is over and all 3 kids are playing basketball. They all want to just be normal and be with their friends. I'm trying not to hover and hold on too tight. Luke got accepted to Texas Tech and WTAMU. I'm sure he'll go to Tech. He deserves that wonderful experience! Gracie and Jake and I can't even talk about how much we'll miss him. Stock show season is quickly approaching and we will be headed to Ft Worth, San Antonio and Houston. So I'm glad our time will be filled. I've decided to keep up the blog for a little bit longer. I think it will be something the kids will want to read when they're adults. There must be so much they can't understand or process right now. And maybe me too. Leta