It is Well with My Soul

It is well with my soul but I'm not quite sure about my heart. The kids and I are missing Jeff. And that doesn't begin to describe it. And I won't even try. I will say that we are okay. We are doing our best to deal with our new life. I think the word that describes us best at this time is numb. We cannot believe that he is gone. He is still all around us and objects that represent him give us a false sense that he is just at work and will be home soon. His boots are still by the back door and we can see his pick up out by the barn. His pictures are everywhere and we talk about him everyday. Sometimes in the past tense and sometimes still in the present. We are cutting the corn that he was here to plant and we are shipping cattle that he bought and cared for. I heard him the other day but it was Luke talking. I saw him the other day but it was Jake as he turned his head. His temperament is alive and well in Gracie as she protests all of this. So he is still with us and that calms us and shatters us. But one thing we know is that he is in Heaven and obviously has had some input on the weather. We joked about that before he died. He was going to get right to work on our Texas drought as soon as he could. So really the 3 1/2 inches of rain were not a big surprise. He got all his wheat planted early for a reason. The love and support from our family, friends and community continue to lift us up. I witness it every day as I see my children being cared for. Happy, Texas has produced a special kind of goodness and grace. And it was a true blessing to watch it grow and spread this past week. I think it is a lesson for all of us. We are all here on this earth to serve and take care of one another. And when we do that, it creates moments that are "just right". It's a great choice to make. Thank you all for living that example for my family. I have written down a verse from a song at Jeff's service. I read it all the time. The hymn was written by Horatio Spafford in the 1800's after he grieved the death of his four daughters. Certainly my grief is not unshared. When peace like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrow like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul. I'm okay, Leta

"For what it's worth, it was worth all the while"

I love the lyrics to that song by Green Day, Good Riddance. Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go So make the best of this test and don't ask why It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right I hope you had the time of your life. Jeff slipped away peacefully yesterday. Yesterday morning when it was obvious what was happening, it was very clear that the moment at hand was meant for me and Jeff. I climbed into bed with him and wrapped us up tight in a quilt. And I just held him and loved him. It wasn't scary or weird. It was actually just love. It was part of the promise we made to each other - till death do us part. So I got to be a part of that beautiful moment. As I was lying there thinking of our life together it made me think how very few times when we are on earth that we get a glimpse of heaven. Jeff and I always thought new babies were close to that since their little spirits are fresh out of heaven. Their first breaths and cries are celestial. And so were Jeff's last. So from what I can tell, it's all going to be okay for the rest of us. I am planning Jeff's service for Thursday afternoon. We talked about this a lot. He didn't want a dark funeral. He wanted a service to praise God and celebrate his life. And afterwards he wanted a big party. He wanted people to eat and drink and laugh. And of course tell all the "Jeff stories" they could remember. Unless they are stories about Jeff and me in college. Those might not be appropriate for my kids to hear! He said it until the end. Everything important in life he was blessed with. Love, Leta

Still fighting

Jeff is still fighting. Early this morning his breathing pattern changed dramatically. He is barely hanging on but his strong heart is still beating. My family surrounded me and my kids today with unimaginable love. Jeff's family also came to be with him. We sat around him and laughed and told all kinds of stories. We touched him and rubbed is arms and legs and even snuggled him. His room is full of life and love, not gloom and doom. It's how he would want it. Peace and calmness are with us all. The nurse told me this morning that it would probably be today. However, those of you that know Jeff the best would also know that: #1 He doesn't like to be told what to do and #2 He is always late and being on time never mattered to him. So there. God is still obviously in charge. Thank goodness. He is comfortable and asleep. His face is completely relaxed. He is so beautiful and I am blessed to be here with him. Leta

What I Know

Jeff is peaceful and asleep. He is not awake anymore but still fighting. My kids have a peace and understanding that is surely heaven sent. There are no rules at hospice and everything here is for the good. My grief is larger than me and what I can understand. The love and grace surrounding us is larger than my grief. There is love and grace in places and people I never thought of. It rained today. (Jeff would love that) Leta

Decision

Yesterday made the tough decision to move Jeff to the hospice unit in Amarillo. He has been declining quickly and i could no longer give him he kind of care he deserves. They are doing a great job and i am standing strong that I did the right thing.  the kids are shaky but okay. My parents are staying with them so i can stay with Jeff. They were up here after school and loved all over their Daddy. So things are okay today. We are being loved from every angle. I'll keep you posted. Leta

From one week to the next

We are still here and still holding on.  I checked what I had posted last week and realized things have changed so much.  Last Friday Jeff went to a football game.  Today he is in bed.  He is sleeping now about 20 hours a day.  That is such a difference from last week.  He's not trying to do anything now.  His brother Ron comes by everyday and drives him around while I pick up the kids from school but that's all he can do.  I have to feed him and bathe him now. He is not really eating.  He doesn't swallow, he just chews the food and hides it in his cheeks.  I find it at night when I help him brush his teeth. Although today he ate a ripe tomato and watermelon.  The hospice nurse was here on Tuesday and will be back tomorrow.  She said this is all normal.  Normal?  What is normal now? I have no idea.

His close friends are coming by now.  Shocked.  How can this be Jeff?  It's been hard for me to watch these big, tough men realize that he is really and truly leaving us. Disbelief for us all. We all know that he used to be one of  those big, tough men.  Invincible.  He is dwindling down to nothing now.  How can that be?

He is not having pain.  Hospice is doing their job.  Right now he just is.  He's not Jeff anymore but we love him like he is.  Kisses and hugs and constant "I love you's".  He deserves it.  I love to whisper in his ear.  He stares away like he knows what I'm saying.  I tell him stories about how we fell in love and how we tried so hard.  How we had our babies and how we've loved so much.  How he's done it all.  How he's been successful. He's made us happy and taken care of us. Sometimes I think he understands.

Leta

Being taken care of

I got spoiled today and I enjoyed every single minute of it.  All my siblings came out today to be with me and Jeff and the kids.  I never have all their attention at once and it was great.  Our time together usually involves the 12 kids we all have and that is not the same experience.  But today was great.  They went to the store for me and helped me clean out the fridge and pantry. (No judgement on their part I'm sure) George is the cleanest and neatest out of the 4 of us.  He's the kind of guy that loves to clean with a q-tip.  But today he de-gunked my fridge and checked Jeff's meds.  Luckily we have a pharmacist in the family to be in charge of things like that. Katie and Sally bought the kids candy and smothered their auntie love on them.

We all sat in the kitchen with my kids and laughed and told stories of when we were little.  My kids hung on every word and Jeff said he could hear us from the bedroom.  As I soaked in the moment I thanked God for the bond that I have with them.  When our brother Charles died 20 years ago we were all very young.  I had just graduated from college and Sally and Katie were in high school.  George was a senior.  At that point in life we were already pretty close.  But after that we were cemented together forever.  Changed by an experience for the better.  And that has been true for a long time now. We will never hurt one another and we never fight.  We share a bond that we experienced together.  And as I looked around the room that's what I prayed for my kids, who are much younger but will still share a life changing experience together.  I hope they come out closer than ever and form their own unbreakable bond.

Jeff had a pretty good day.  His friend Vic came by and they drove around and checked milo.  He also had a great visit with his brother, Ron.  We are counting the goodness every second.

Love, Leta

A Last Hoorah

Yesterday was beautiful and heartbreaking.  Jeff had a rough day.  More than anything he wanted to go to Luke's football game.  I didn't know if he would make it or not.  He is spending most of his time in bed now. He is still very weak and confused. But he was able to come for an hour and it was a spectacular night.  My Dad cooked hamburgers and we all tailgated.  "We" was all the sisters and brother and sister in law and brother in laws and nieces and nephews and grandparents and aunts and uncles,  and many, many friends.  Our safety net is in place!  The Happy Cowboys had an awesome game and we won in a big way.  Luke scored a touchdown while his Daddy was there.  He had a couple of great tackles and more importantly, cheered for his team and was a part of something great.  He was touched and blessed and was smart enough to realize it.  Plus he had his friends (beautiful girls) from church that came to the game with signs and spirit and cheered him on.  He felt all the love.  We all did.  Thank you all so much for giving us that special night.  Because Jeff is much worse today and I'm afraid that was the last football game he will be able to attend.

He is mostly sleeping.  He didn't get up until 4 this afternoon.  Then he went right back to bed.  He is so weak I have to help him walk, eat and bathe.  2 days ago he was doing all of that on his own.  I got a little scared today and my Mom and Dad came out and sat with us.  What would I do without them?  My sisters are coming out tomorrow.  I guess I've finally gotten to the point that I can't do it all by myself.  It's too much.  I called hospice and they said this is all normal and not to be alarmed.  As long as Jeff is comfortable and his pain is control he can stay at home.

My kids are ok.  Jake said today, "Our life is misery right now."  Yes I told him it was.  But we both decided it would not be like this forever.  We've all cried off and on all day.  It will be hard to let them go back to school next week.

I'm okay too.  I'm back on the wine, diet coke and candy diet.  (With occasional  solids)  I keep looking for comfort and it never seems to feel right.  It dawned on me today I'm looking for Jeff.  I need him to take care of me.  But I guess that's what he's always done.  I just need him to tell me one more time that it's all going to be alright.

I love him.  I'm right here with him.  Terrified to leave him.  He even told me today I was hovering.  It won't be long now and that is obvious to all of us.  He is comfortable and in his own bed.  Dreaming, resting and holding his family.  Jeff Smith is something special. I know you all know that.  Thank you for the love and support and prayers and everything.

Leta