Wow, today has been tough. Jeff and I got his scan results this morning. The news was not what we were hoping and praying for. The cancer in Jeff's lungs and liver has grown and spread despite the horrible chemo he just endured. It was a kick in the gut. We so wanted to hear good results. We have prayed, we have hoped, we have pleaded!!!!!! But it is not to be. Dr. Patel was there today and he was kind and honest - which is how we like it. Don't beat around the bush. There will be no cure for Jeff's disease. The one and only proven treatment did not work. It is truly one of the most brutal kinds of cancer to have. And honestly no one survives it. We knew that going in but you all know Jeff - he had to try. And he will continue to try. Dr. Patel is already contacting our melanoma oncologist at MDA to see if she has any plan B's. We know there are trials out there that Jeff can qualify for. Dr. Patel told Jeff he was young and healthy and strong and needed to continue trying. This is not the time to give up. So we hope to have that Plan B by next week. Dr. Patel did take time to comfort me and Jeff and his nurses came in and hugged us and told us they loved us. We left in a stunned silence. Unable to truly understand what had just been presented to us.
Our first reaction was to get to our kids. So that's exactly what we did. Giving our kids the news was the hardest thing we have had to do in our lives. We just held each other and cried and held on even tighter. But we know being honest with them is the right thing to do. Jake would be on to me in a second if I didn't tell him. You know how he looks right in my eyes!
So we had our moment and then we decided that we should still stockshow our lambs this weekend as planned at the county show. We loaded up and Jeff came with us. We can't yet bear to be apart. The lambs are safely in the barn and we are now home. We are having breakfast for supper and will be watching a western together in my bed. Alcohol and pills are back in the equation. We need some relief tonight.
We haven't spoken to anyone all day. Please forgive us. But we can't talk yet. We cry just to look at one another, let alone answer the question, "How are you?" Please, Please,Please pray for our children. They do not deserve any of this. Jeff has said over and over how sorry he is. But there is nothing to be sorry for. A rare form of cancer with no reason or prediction. I worry for our babies. I said it before that Jeff has no regrets. But he will truly miss getting to watch his children grow up. And it is certainly no fair to lose your Daddy so young. So please use your special love and tenderness for them.
So enough of all that. We will be sad and hide for a while. I know it. But then we will live our lives like we mean it. Lots of wasteful love and laughter!!! So much it will spill over.
Please get ready because the Smith's are going to need you. Your love is the comfort that sustains us and surrounds us and offers us hope. We are not alone. We are loved. Everything important in life we have been blessed with. We have always said it. And we will continue to do so.
On our knees,
Jeff and Leta
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