Onward

We are moving on into a new year.  I won't even try to imagine what this year will hold for my family.  I gave up on that a long time ago.  No resolutions.  No expectation.  It's just better that way.  Our only goal is just to keep on going.
We made it through Christmas and it was surprisingly okay.  The kids were very distracted by presents.  We were around a lot of family but they were "fun chaos" and helped fill our time.  Now we are back to reality and a busy schedule.  Of course we would all glue ourselves to the TV and couch in a second if we could.  We fight those feelings everyday.   We don't really want to do anything, we just are because we are supposed to.  Another strange feeling is how selfish we feel right now.  It is ALL about us and how we feel.  And how other people or things or events make us feel.  It's impossible to shake right now but I hope our perspective changes back to a healthy view eventually.  In the mean time I hope we aren't walking around offending people all the time.  I've said it before, we are not ourselves.
I've recently gotten a lot of business things finalized and taken care of.  Jeff was meticulous in setting things up for me and the kids.  When he wasn't able to physically work he mentally was still in the game and got a lot done.  There were many things I didn't know he was doing and am just finding out now.  But it's still been hard.  I've had to check the box marked "widow" and it took my breath away and rebroke my heart.  I've had two people at the grocery store ask me how Jeff was doing.  I've really got to stop going to the grocery store!  I'm having to do things that Jeff always took care of.  And just because I don't like them doesn't give me the option of not doing them.
I'm praying for endurance.  I'm praying for little shots of happiness for me and the kids - really my kids.  I'm praying for less anxiety and more peace.  I'm praying that depression and bitterness don't invade.  I'm praying that time will go quickly and that healing will hurry up.

Leta

I'm also really and truly praying for rain.  It's starting to get a little spooky!

Comfort for us all

During Jeff's illness we sought a lot of comfort. We looked for people and words and things to ease our pain. I carried around a notebook with important information and things that were special to me. It had some pictures and some prayers that I looked at a lot. I haven't opened the notebook in months but I moved it the other day and a piece of paper containing a prayer must have fallen out. I found it today. I need to share it because I think we all need to be sharing the things that comfort us.  It's really more of a commission, a blessing.  It's something very special to me.

 The words were written by my cousin John to my Aunt Kay.  John was comforting her as she grieved the loss of her daughter, Lauren.  The prayer wasn't about me or Jeff but we held on to it like it was.  We read it a lot.  And today I think there are a lot of people that can hold on to it.  The words are meant for all of us, especially those who are hurting so much today.

"May God, the father of all, firmly set you in the moment,
May you be suffocated by love,
May you have the courage and fortitude to cry, yell, appreciate silence, revel in "keeping busy," and find an interval of laughter.
May the MERCY of Jesus Christ follow all your works.
May your hands find joy, do goodness, and demonstrate love.
May the militant action of the Holy Spirit bring you the Grace of God in whatever moment you find yourself."

We need to generate more mercy, more love for one another and more tolerance to everyone.  I'm in short supply but I am going to do my best.

Leta

12-12-12

It's supposed to be a lucky day. I don't know if I believe in luck but it would be nice to have a good day. Life is continuing to move us along. We are busy. We are sad. We're a little lost. We're trying our best. We're wanting Jeff everyday and some of us are VERY mad. I've come to the conclusion that you have to feel it all sooner or later. So here we are swimming in it. It's not fun and after only three months we are pretty sure there is no ending to this sorrow or a chance we will ever be happy again. The kids and I have one big secret. We can fake it. We can go out in public, we can be around people and we can smile and even laugh. But our little family knows the truth. So we are trying to get through this horrible holiday season. We put up our tree and decorations and lights. We are going through the motions. We didn't go or participate in the Christmas pageant. I don't know if we will go to Christmas Eve church. We limit our exposure to Christmas carols on the radio. And happy, jolly people - well, we steer away from them. The kids are still all in for presents though. Football is over and all 3 kids are playing basketball. They all want to just be normal and be with their friends. I'm trying not to hover and hold on too tight. Luke got accepted to Texas Tech and WTAMU. I'm sure he'll go to Tech. He deserves that wonderful experience! Gracie and Jake and I can't even talk about how much we'll miss him. Stock show season is quickly approaching and we will be headed to Ft Worth, San Antonio and Houston. So I'm glad our time will be filled. I've decided to keep up the blog for a little bit longer. I think it will be something the kids will want to read when they're adults. There must be so much they can't understand or process right now. And maybe me too. Leta

Some A+ Days

We had some really good moments last weekend and I was thankful. And it's been hard to be thankful lately. I am but I don't want to have to express it right now. Everyone is writing on Facebook all the things they are thankful for and it just makes me mad. I'm going to let myself be mad this year. But not so long that I get bitter. Just a little cranky. So we had two A+ moments last weekend. It was Luke's last home game of the season and it was senior night. All the parents go on the field and stand by their child as they are introduced. I really dreaded it, so much that I was afraid I would lose my shit right there on the field in front of my son and everybody. But it went okay. I just looked at him and thought about how proud I was and how much I loved him. I knew Jeff had to be enjoying the moment with us. It was very sad but I kept it together like a good normal mother should. Luckily I had my friends and sisters close by if I needed them. Thank you: Katie, Sally, Daddy, Kim and Jimmy, Tygh and Chad, Matt and Missy and Jennifer. Instead we huddled together and watched a great game and cheered like maniacs when Luke scored a touchdown. We won the game and my son had a very happy night! A+ Then on Saturday we had a lamb jackpot show. Luke was working so our friend Marleigh went with us to help. We ended up with a Reserve Grand Champion lamb and Gracie won showmanship. A+ So we do have some good things going on in our lives. The holidays are close and I'd just as soon cancel and run of to a beach somewhere. But I'm guessing the reality is turkey with all my family and a lot of chaos. It's what we know! I baked 5 potatoes Sunday night instead of 4. I cried my eyes out. It is so hard everyday. I miss him so much. I ache for him to hold me. So do the kids. We are struggling to get through these days. If you get a postcard from Cancun - it was me and you'll know why. Leta

Caught off guard

Just when I seem to have my emotions in check, something unexpected will catch me off guard and shake me up. Yesterday I found Jeff's check book and I looked at the last check he wrote. It was to his brother for fence repairs on August 22nd. It just doesn't seem that long ago when he wrote it. Woosh! How can that be? How can it be that he was here in August and he is not here now? That one little check was more than I could take. I am surrounded by all his things and yet looking at his handwriting on that check threw me into a free fall. That is how my life is going right now. Lots of good things and friends and even laughing. But we are so fragile right now. My back has been bothering me for a couple of weeks. I finally went to the doctor when I couldn't sleep because of it. She explained it like this. People with extreme stress throw off a lot of adrenaline and it can manifest itself in a lot of different ways. Some people get migraines or ulcers or like me - back spasms. Hmmmm. I didn't even get to pick what I wanted! She said it is completely normal and it is the body's response to stress. I think that meant I'm not totally crazy - she said normal! The only alarming thing she said was the condition of my back indicated it had been like that for a long time and I hadn't even noticed. Really? Do you think that could be true? Do you think I wasn't even aware of myself? I just can't believe it. Do our minds really work that way? It's something to think about. The good news is that she recommends massage and lots of resting with the heating pad. Oh, now that sounds nice. I'm going to start getting a regular massage and I'm going to start talking to my counselor again, just in case I'm a little bit crazy. (I think it's only a little bit.) In other news the kids are good. The heater and the garage door are broken but should be fixed today! It's almost November and we are ready for a new month. Football is almost over and basketball will start soon. Life is going on and it's pulling us along with it. Love, Leta

Moving

Last weekend the kids and I moved to our new house. It is the house Jeff and I bought back in April thinking he would be here for another year or two. We had no idea that the kids and I would move in without him. But we did it and everything seems to be okay. As much sorrow as we have about leaving our home that we shared with Jeff, we all agree that starting over in a new place feels good. Luke and I talked about it a lot. He reminded me that the last two years of our lives have not been normal or consistent. So another change is not too shocking. It has been overwhelming and crazy. I often feel like I can't do it all. All: moving, grieving, running Smith Cattle Co, caring for my kids, even simple things like laundry and going to the store. But I think I am doing ok even though I'm not even close to mastering it "all". Last week Happy had a cancer fundraiser. Last year it was a breast cancer awareness/walk/fundraiser. This year they decided to walk and raise money again and do it all in the memory of Jeff. It was such a great experience. The blessing from the community of Happy continue. As long as I can focus on all the goodness around me, I seem to be able to keep my head above water. I haven't decided if I will continue the blog or not. It was Jeff's journey even though I wrote it. Maybe I will come up with a new name and keep it going. Thanks for all the love. Please come see us at the new house! We'd love to see you. Love, Leta

It is Well with My Soul

It is well with my soul but I'm not quite sure about my heart. The kids and I are missing Jeff. And that doesn't begin to describe it. And I won't even try. I will say that we are okay. We are doing our best to deal with our new life. I think the word that describes us best at this time is numb. We cannot believe that he is gone. He is still all around us and objects that represent him give us a false sense that he is just at work and will be home soon. His boots are still by the back door and we can see his pick up out by the barn. His pictures are everywhere and we talk about him everyday. Sometimes in the past tense and sometimes still in the present. We are cutting the corn that he was here to plant and we are shipping cattle that he bought and cared for. I heard him the other day but it was Luke talking. I saw him the other day but it was Jake as he turned his head. His temperament is alive and well in Gracie as she protests all of this. So he is still with us and that calms us and shatters us. But one thing we know is that he is in Heaven and obviously has had some input on the weather. We joked about that before he died. He was going to get right to work on our Texas drought as soon as he could. So really the 3 1/2 inches of rain were not a big surprise. He got all his wheat planted early for a reason. The love and support from our family, friends and community continue to lift us up. I witness it every day as I see my children being cared for. Happy, Texas has produced a special kind of goodness and grace. And it was a true blessing to watch it grow and spread this past week. I think it is a lesson for all of us. We are all here on this earth to serve and take care of one another. And when we do that, it creates moments that are "just right". It's a great choice to make. Thank you all for living that example for my family. I have written down a verse from a song at Jeff's service. I read it all the time. The hymn was written by Horatio Spafford in the 1800's after he grieved the death of his four daughters. Certainly my grief is not unshared. When peace like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrow like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul. I'm okay, Leta