Not what I imagined

Things are not the way I thought they would be.  I thought Jeff would just get weaker and sleep more and more and more.  What made me think that? I guess I was thinking that's how I would do it. Things are okay but difficult.  Jeff is simple not himself and that is so much harder to deal with than anything I ever imagined. He wants to do everything he normally does but he simply can't. He is very, very sick. He's heavily medicated and out of it most of the time now.  A couple of days ago he tried to move the tractor, plow and drills from one field to the next.  I practically had to lay in the dirt and have a fit to get him to stop.  I paid the ultimate price when I had to drive the wheat seed truck to the next field so he wouldn't do it himself. I don't remember that part of our wedding vows.
 Everyday he is less himself.  We are losing him a little bit everyday and I wasn't prepared for that.  The kids are actually handling it much better than I am.  It's simple for them.  "He's not Daddy right now or He looks like he's awake but he's dreaming."  That's a good way to describe it.  He's out of it but sometimes totally there. He is still our Jeff even though the biggest part of him is already gone. This has all happened so quickly.  He is weaker every day and more and more confused.  Of course we all thought I would be the first one to lose their mind! He's been our rock for so long.

Today was the first day he didn't really leave the house much.  His brother drove him around for less than an hour and that was all he could take.   He truly thinks he's fine to do anything.  Reality is quite different.  It has been a full time job keeping him still.  All he wants to do it go to work.  He wants to check cattle and milo and of course plant wheat.  He wants his pick up and his keys and he wants to GO.  All of his team at hospice has decided he is much too weak and disoriented to do any of that.  You know he loves that!

School has started and it's been a struggle.  The kids are worn out and it's hard to keep us all going. 3 kids and 3 different schedules are tough.  Jake got to school today right at 8:00 and the new principal told him he was a minute away from a tardy.  Of course the new principal didn't know that Jake would worry and cry all afternoon about that.  He didn't know that Jake has never been tardy in his life and got to school today after he ate breakfast, fed lambs and spent a little time with his Daddy. And it's all my fault because Gracie had to be at school at 7 for work out and Jeff wasn't able to get the boys up and I forgot to set an alarm for them.  But it's just too much to call the new principal and tell him all of that. Plus I don't want him to think I'm nuts right away.  Don't I get a grace period??? I tried to set two alarms on my phone and I don't think it does that.

Tomorrow is Luke's first football game.  I don't know if Jeff will go or not. He sure wants to but I don't know if he can handle it or not.  We'll see what happens.  More tough decisions.

Please pray for my kids.  They are wrung out.  They know exactly what's going on and they are accepting it daily.  (Much better than me)  They love their Daddy so much and they are clinging to him.  We remain loving and loyal to our guy.  As hard as it is, we will do all of this for him, because of all that he has done for us.  It is not a burden but an honor to care for him and love him "no matter what". I didn't understand that part either.  But here we are.  Doing our best and carrying on.  Life is continuing and ending at the same time.  God is with us and ultimately we are ok.  Strong but crying.  Happy but mourning.  Weary but trying.  We are making it through.

Love,
Leta

tough stuff

Jeff is changing quickly. He is much weaker and often confused. we increased his pain meds today.  He is still at home for now. he is also still checking milo and cattle and delighting in his kids.
We are very very sad. please love and pray us through this  time. Love, Leta

What we need

It has been a tough couple of days.  Jeff has been "somewhat" confused.  But if you ask him he is fine.  His one request was to go to the accountant one more time to go over things.  I didn't want to do it.  I want to preserve his dignity.  I want people to only see the strong Jeff.  So do you think he took my advice? Absolutely not.  At least he's consistent. 
So we went to the accountant and he was fine.  He had more energy and clarity today than he's had in a week.  Wonderful!  He did slightly fall asleep twice but woke right up when I talked louder. And I don't even think our accountant noticed.  He's out now checking milo and letting Gracie drive.  I got home and promptly went to bed.  I'm done for the day and possibly two. Maybe hiding will help.
We are still surrounded by many that love us.  It is hard to find comfort now.  Because it is just so hard.  It is hard in a million different ways than I imagined.  We are still striving to do our best and make Jeff our priority.
What do we need?  That question is asked of us everyday and there is not an answer.  We need peace that is not always obtainable.  We need reasurrance that is not guaranteed.  In the midst of all this suffering we do love one another.  We are holding tight to God and our inner circle of family and friends.  This is an intimate time and it's hard to let people in that mean well but we don't already have a close bond with us.  We have plenty of food.  Plenty.  And we're just not that hungry. 
So tonight I'm asking for the same things.  Prayers for peace.  Prayers for my kids - that they will always remember their Daddy and ultimately be okay.  Prayers that the dark side of depression can't hold us down and that we always feel life pulling us forward.  And our one constant prayer is for Jeff.  He has been the best faithful servant that he can be.  He's not perfect but he's completely who God made him to be.  Determined and relentless, faithful and loyal.  He doesn't want to die but he's brave enough to face it.  Please pray that his pain remains controlled and  his last days or weeks or months are filled with love and friends and family and joy and laughter and contentment and always peace.  And of course please let him always feel that God is near.  Isn't that what we all stive for?

Leta

Memories

I got out all of our pictures today.  I'm not organized or crafty.  They aren't in a cute scrapbook.  They are in sacks and bags that are here and there.  But today I gathered them all up and Jeff and I looked through thousands of them.  I don't know why I hadn't done it earlier.  It was so much fun going down memory lane.  We laughed and smiled and cried and remembered all those precious memories.  It made the reality of a happy life more real.  We relived so many things.  Pictures of us before we were married, birth pics, birthdays, Christmas, Halloween costumes and 4th of July, lost teeth and first days of school.  There was a picture of every dog and horse we've owned for the last 19 years and all the cars and pick ups we've driven. Pictures of vacations and stock shows and playing at the creek. Pictures of bad haircuts and outdated outfits and bad angles. There were lots of pictures of us eating. Huh!  There were grandmothers and great grandmothers.  Cousins, aunt, uncles and friends. Lots of naked baby pictures!!!  Jeff proclaimed "our children" as his best work.  I agree. 

Jeff is very weak.  He didn't get out of bed until noon today.  He's never slept later than 7 o'clock his entire lfie.  In the last couple of days he has taken an obvious decline.  I don't know what to say or think.  We are trying to keep him happy and comfortable.  We'll see what the hospice nurse says on Tuesday when she comes over. 

To end on a happy note.  He is in bed with a calculator figuring his cattle and feed inventory report right now.  He has his list of things to do tomorrow and one of them includes me driving him to Hart to check corn and sprinklers. I'm sure he would want you all to know he is never giving up!  He's going to live and be Jeff Smith for as long as he can.

Leta

Dog Days

I think we have hit the dog days of summer.  Isn't that the expression?  It's still very hot and we have all become very bored with all that heat. Day after day.  Although we did get a little shower this morning.  But no relief.  I think we will have to wait for fall.

Things are changing and the school calendar is pulling us out of our summer.  I thought this summer would be restful for me since we didn't have a routine.  But I'm not rested so I just want to move on to the next thing.  I'm kind of glad to be starting a busy routine.

Luke has started football practice.  It was exactly this time last year that we found out Jeff's cancer had spread and he started the brutal chemo.  This last year has lasted ten years.  I didn't know a year could hold so many things.  A year ago we had so much hope that the chemo would work or at least slow down his disease.  We knew nothing of ports, pain medication, thrush, nerve damage, blood counts, blood transfusions or trial treatments. We had never thought about hospice or moving or closing down our business. This journey has spanned over 2 1/2 years but the last year has marked us for sure.  I never dreamed I would carry this kind of saddness.  I don't remember what I thought this would feel like.  I guess I never imagined being here.  I tried to make the glass stay half full for as long as I could.

Jeff is still doing okay.  His feed yard is almost empty and it's hard for him to look at that. He had enough energy to go to Oklahoma and check cattle. He misses all the action and he especially misses all the "deals". He used to always have something going.  It was all about "the deal". Whether he was trading cattle or land or equipment, he liked to have something in the works.  He misses that a lot. He wakes up and feels good every morning.  He's usually  tired and fatigued by noon and takes it easy the rest of the day.  His pain is still being managed.  We really like our hospice nurse.  He is glad to still be here and he still smiles about something everyday.  He still has happiness.  And we still have him!   

Leta