Swirling

These last two weeks have been ......... what is the word? There isn't an accurate word.  We have been sucked up in a tornado and it is stronger than we are.  We are just holding on.  Today is a good day.  Jeff's friend, Tracy is here from Austin.  They go way back.  I just heard them  - remembering when they spent the night on the trampoline in 2nd grade and got scared of coyotes.  They also share NUMEROUS football stories.  Tracy's Dad was their coach.  They just left to go outside and do boy/men things.  Happy.  Thanks, Tracy!

Jeff has also had some family come visit.  Uncles, cousins.  It has all lifted Jeff's spirits and made him feel so loved!  He asked me this morning, "Was I that good of a friend?"  Yep, babe! You were!!  He still is.  We are trying our best to make sure as much goodness comes out of this as possible.  We are paying it forward in every way that we know how.

He is actually feeling pretty good.  He is working everyday and is actually in high gear.  He is planning for the future.  We have been in meetings all week with our lawyer, accountant, bankers, repeat.  What a responsible guy!  But it's taken it's toll.  Goodness that's a lot of info.  There's so much for me to know.  He's trying to take care of as much of it as he can so I don't have to.  It's been very hard.  We have cried a million tears.  More letting go.

We have briefly talked to the nurse at San Antonio.  The only trials there are chemo medicines that would require us to be there full time.  Jeff's blood counts are up. But we haven't made a move in any treatment direction yet.  We talk about it everyday without ever deciding.  Jeff said it best.  "If I really wanted to be in another trial study I would have started last week."  By remaining undecided we are ultimately making the choice.  Maybe it's one of those things you just stop talking about and worrying about.  If we thought for a single second there was a chance in hell to cure his cancer we would do it. But the options they have are just disguises for real treatments that don't exist yet.  And besides, Jeff is too busy to be in the hospital right now.  He's got to make sure all his corn is planted and Jake's track meet is next week.  Oh and Luke is going to the prom.  And he's got to pick up a horse from the vet and move some cattle around.  There's always fence to build and so many things he needs to do with the kids.  He's been teaching Jake to drive (oh my).  We like to snuggle at night and make a plan for in the morning.  And what about all the friends that want to talk about football?  And drink a cold beer?  Hospitals and chemo just aren't a part of that equation.  Don't you see?  These things are so much more important.  Living just takes up a lot of our time right now.

Keeping on,
Jeff and Leta

"Live Like you are Dying"

Whoever started that phrase was not actually dying.  He was just some dumb ass who thought he was SOOO smart and insightful.  When you find out you're dying you are usually sick.  Now peace and acceptance do become a part of that but I don't think many people actually Live It Up!  However, I do appreciate that everyone is different and has the right to do it how they want to.  Jeff and I had this discussion yesterday. He doesn't have a bucket  list.  Yes, he would like to take his kids fishing one more time but other than that he has already done what he wanted to do.  He has loved his family, he is proud of his kids, he has built a successful business, he has laughed and cried and loved a couple of great horses.  He got to team rope and even built his own arena.  He's been on a couple of good vacations and drank a LOT of cold beer.  I could go on and on.  But I just wanted to share our "aha" moment in all of this.  Don't wait until it's too late to live the life you want to live.  Do it now.  Don't wait.  You won't have any regrets!  Life gets so messy but if your hands aren't dirty than you didn't do it right.

Jeff's appointment at Dr Patel's went ok yesterday.  No big news to share.  They did another blood test to see if his counts are up.  Dr Patel had talked to San Antonio and said there are a couple of new phase I trials that Jeff should be able to qualify for if his counts come up.  He recommends we try one more thing.  Oh good Lord!  We just looked at each other.  Where on earth will we get the strength to go back to San Antonio?  But you know I love that man and will take him if I need to.  We call them on Monday.  Plan B is a new medicine we could take in Amarillo called Yervoy.  It is an antibody therapy and triggers your immune system to go crazy.  Attacking everything - cancer,  and your own healthy body.  Side effects are horrific - much worse than in Interleuken that Jeff took during chemo.  What?????  There is a worse medicine than that?  Who is inventing these monster medicines and then letting the FDA approve them?  The success rate for "response" not "cure" is 5%.  That's right.  When it comes to the treatment of mucosal melanoma they have not even invented the wheel.  Is there a scientist out there that could please get right on that?

No decisions have been made yet.  We just like to talk about it all and curse the horrible treatment options and act insulted.  You know our other option.  The option that includes Jeff getting to still work some, hang out with his kids,sleep in his own bed, perhaps ride his horse, still drink beer and laugh with family and friends.  I don't think there's anything better.  We'll see what happens.  It's his choice and I've got his back.  Respectful till the end of his wishes.

Love,
Jeff and Leta

Good day

Today was a good day.  What a blessing!!  Jeff's friend from high school, Derek came by and hung out with Jeff all day.  Thank you Derek for being such a great friend for over 30 years.  Apparently they relived all their high school glory days of football.  I think it got pretty "thick". Don't you know the way they remember it might have little to do with how it really happened!  But Jeff came home with a smile on his face and a bounce to his step.  Happy.  That's what I'm talking about!

My sister, Katie came out and took care of me.  She helped me clean house and made me feel a little bit more alive - like only a sister can do.  This is all so hard and it helped today to get up and get something done.  I laughed for the first time in a while.  We talked smack on our husbands - about how much we love them in spite of how much they drive us nuts.  We also decided that all male children should learn to clean toliets at an early age.  And if we were rich we would just buy new toliets all the time! Unanimously we claimed that all boys are gross.  You know what I mean.

Thank you for all the texts and emails and phone calls.  We love you so much.  We are full and can't express our thankfulness. We are taking it day by day.  We have no plan.  Dr Patel has not called us back but we have an appointment on Thursday.  We still cry all the time but now we are starting to talk about other things too.  Our future, our memories, our blessings, our plans.  I am comforted to know that I am not in this alone.  And that goes doubly for Jeff.  Your love is our balm.  We are applying it liberally.

One last note.  Our fridge and freezer are full of food.  Unfortunately we are just not that hungry.  If my children's stomachs start to growl I will let you know.  I promise!!

Thank you,
Jeff and Leta

The news

The scan results showed that Jeff's cancer has continued to grow and spread.  The trial medicine did not help in the least.  This is the moment we have been bracing for.  Jeff doesn't have much longer.  Although I love it that God gets to ultimately make that call - not any doctor. But it is very sad news for us.  We were trying to hold on to the hope of more time through the trial.  But it was not to be.  So here's what we know.
Jeff feels good enough to work everyday. And he will continue to until he can't.
Jeff's pain is being managed.
His brain scan was clear which is very good news.  You just don't want cancer to get in your brain!
His counts are still low so we don't know if any other treatments will be available to him.  That is a choice only Jeff can make.  He wants to spend as much quality time as possible with his family and friends.  We will know more about other options this week.
If you love Jeff and want to spend some time with him - this is the time to do it.
Jeff isn't really into "good-byes".  But he would love to talk about all the good times!
If he borrowed something from you (a hammer, a plow?) you better come get it. Ha ha
Don't be afraid to see him.  It's still Jeff.  Scrappy, ornery, still loves a dirty joke.  He is loving life as long as he can.  No regrets!  Just counting his blessings daily, hourly, sometimes every minute.
Please pray for our kids, for Luke and Gracie and Jake.  Please take care of them when they are near you.  I am putting you all in charge.  I can't be with them every second although I wish I could.

Struggling,
Jeff and Leta

scans

Jeff's blood work showed that his platelets are up to 53.  That is good news.  But he is still not high enough to take his trial medicine.  His white count was the same at 1.7.  Dr Patel was concerned about this.  He said it is an indication that Jeff's bone marrow was damaged from all the chemo.  We knew it was tough stuff and we knew that this could happen.  We don't regret our decsion for Jeff to take the extreme chemo.  There's nothing we can do about it at this point.  But from here on out Jeff will probably not build back a lot of his white count or his immunity.  And that leads us to our next bit of news.  Dr Patel noticed a lymph node on Jeff's jaw.  He thought it looked a lot larger.  This lymph node has been there since December when Jeff had the horrible thrush infection.  It didn't show up on his last set of scans in January and we had not noticed that it was larger.  But like we told Dr Patel - we are in denial that anything is getting worse and we can't see things like that.  Human nature.  He agreed.  He was very honest and said that this is part of the cancer growing.  He ordered scans immediately to confirm.  Jeff will scan on Thursday and we should have results on Friday.  Everything in San Antonio is on hold until we know how fast Jeff's disease is progressing.  We don't need to waste time on the trial medicine if it is not working.
We had our cry together in the car on the way home. We knew this would happen, that the cancer would continue to grow but we are overwhelmed with the feeling that everything is moving too fast. We're okay today.  Jeff is at work.  It will be a busy week for shipping cattle and Jeff won't miss that no matter what.  I'm going to enjoy a sunny afternoon watching Gracie's district track meet.  Life is going on.  We are very sad.  But we are past the point of "why" and "what if" and all the other emotions we have rollar coastered through these last two years.  The horrible anxiety has eased somewhat and we know, we KNOW this is all out of our hands. We still don't like it but we are no longer wasting our precious energy on anything but goodness and kindness.  We are praying for peace and dignity and grace to keep going as long as we can.  Please don't ask how we are.  Please don't look at us with those sad, sympathetic faces.  Just stand beside us like you always have.  We don't want to cry, we are trying to stand tall.

Love,
Jeff and Leta

Happy Birthday, babe!

Today is Jeff's birthday.  He's 45.  We are actually celebrating all weekend.  Tomorrow is Gracie's 13th birthday on Easter Sunday.  Lots to celebrate and lots to be thankful for. I'm making Jeff  a german chocolate cake at his request.  There's always a lot of food involved in our family's celebrations.  It's just who we are!

Jeff and I talked at length this morning about all the things he is thankful for today.  Here they are.

- The love of his family and friends
- Peace of spirit
- Grace - we are just as undeserving as ever which makes it mean more
- Healthy children
- Being close enough to our kids to hold them and love them and let their love flow all over him
- Running his business in spite of cancer
- Loyal friends and employees

And Jeff is especially thankful today for his brother, Ron and their renewed bond.  Brothers.

Happy,
Jeff and Leta

Wearing a mask and it's not even Halloween

Jeff's blood counts have dropped even lower.  Dang it!  He is eating the right stuff and sleeping great but his platelets dropped to 36.  That's a long way to 75 where he needs to be.  In fact, he's not even moving in the right direction yet.  Dang it!  We have no control.  We just have to wait and retest on Monday.  Surely things will start to turn around by then.  Praying it will.
His white count also dropped to 1.7 which means he's neutropenic.  It means he's at risk of infection because he doesn't have enough cells to fight anything.  And....he has to wear a mask. Or at least he should.  He really shouldn't be in our feed yard - you can only imagine the what's in the air down there.  But he felt good enough to ride a horse this morning so he's out there right in the middle of it.  Yep, that's my guy.  He also has to stop eating fresh fruits and veggies because it's too risky.  That sounds like such a contridiction but a single strawberry with e-coli could be devastating to him. 
I'm going to go birthday shopping today.  Jeff's 45th birthday is on Saturday and Gracie will be 13 on Easter Sunday.  Lot's of celebrating for the Smith's this weekend.  I don't know if we will go to church on Easter with Jeff's low white count but who knows.  We might live on the edge and do it!

Still us,
Jeff and Leta

Taking a step forward

Today was bittersweet.  Happy and sad.  We closed on our new house.  It was a much tougher day than I could have anticipated.  You see, this city girl/turned country girl will be moving closer to town,  and closer to my family because my husband loves me so much.  I've said it before that the letting go is the hardest part.  Not living at the farm will not be an easy step for Jeff and our family.  It is our home.  Literally the only home my kids have ever known.  It's the place where Jeff grew up and where  his farm and cattle are located.  We will be leaving and he did it for me and the kids.  He loves us that much.  But it was a tough day.  We've always talked and dreamed and planned about our "forever house".  We wanted to raise the kids out here and then build or find a house someday.  Those plans were fast forwarded when we found out the chemo didn't work back in January.  Jeff knew the right thing would not be for his family to live way out in the country, on a dirt road, far from family.  Luke will be graduating from high school next year and I would be alone with Gracie and Jake.  Jeff couldn't imagine it.  So things all fell into place, we found a house we loved and we bought it.  It is still out in the country but much closer to town.  So we did it.  Most people probably celebrate but I've cried and cried and Jeff is already asleep on the couch - exhausted by the whole process.  You have to sign 5999832 documents these days in order to buy a house. Yikes!  Jeff's nose bled the entire time and he felt terrible.  But he did it.  He did it for me.  For those of you that know Jeff, he can be so hard.  He works all the time and can be relentless in his business and pursuit of doing his best.  But he also has a soft side.  He loves his family more than his business and he is making all his decisions for us.  So that we will be okay and taken care of.  And it is so hard for him.  The letting go. And I love him again and again for being that great man that puts his family first.  Today was a big step in that process.  The future holds many more of those steps.  I don't know how we're going to do it but I guess it will all happen.   I just want everyone to know what a wonderful man Jeff is.  He's not perfect.  But he's one of the best I know.  Sacrifice is never easy but we all do it.  It's a beautiful expression of love to one another. 
Jeff had his blood test today and we should get results tomorrow.  He's ready for his counts to rise so he can get back on the trial medicine. He is still relentless in his fight against cancer.  I couldn't imagine him dealing with it any other way.

Moving forward,
Jeff and Leta

A little better

It's seems like we have ridden out that last rough patch.  Whew!  Sometimes we just get so down and nothing is right.  But the last couple of days have been a little better.  A little.  Jeff had a great weekend with the kids.  They got to "help" their Dad a lot.  Fun for them all. 
Jeff has been consistently working every day.  He does have to take a break or two but he seems to be regaining his stride.  He is also sleeping better!!!  I honestly think that is what is making things better.  An adjustment in his pain meds has seemed to help. 
We are continuing to pray for:  increased blood counts and for his nose bleeds to STOP.  He's got a blood test on Monday so we hope that is good news.

Over and out,
Jeff and Leta