Wore smooth out!

Jeff and I just got home from the hospital.  It has been a long, long day.  He got much worse over the weekend. He passed out in the shower and hasn't been able to keep anything down for a day or two. He was up most of the night and we both knew things weren't good.  First thing this morning we called the dr and said we will be there in an hour. We didn't ask we just went! Sure enough he was very dehydrated and needed IV fluid, nausea meds and two units of blood.  Believe it or not it took 10 hours to get all of that done. But we did it.  They changed his nausea meds and when I pulled up to the pharmacy to pick it up they said they were out. What??  I wanted to say ALL of the bad words but I refrained and simply pulled away.  Which Jeff said was rude but I think it was nicer than saying all the bad words to the sweet girl behind the glass.   Lucky for me I can drive to Amarillo tomorrow to pick up the new medicine.  Although my sister offered to do it for me!! Thank you Katie.

So we are home and Jeff has eaten fried chicken and claims to feel better.  He's in the shower without a guard and I'm trying to convince my kids we need to go to bed at 8.  Jake asked if we were going Trick or Treating.  I told him I would just buy him candy.  I'm actually a better mother but I'm not on my A game today.

One thought I wanted to share that has been playing over and over in my mind.  When our kids were babies my sisters and I came up with a catch phrase that basically describes parenthood.  "If it's easy, you're probably not doing it right."  Which means that everything in life worth a darn, you have to work hard for.  It originally was applied to weaning a baby from a pacifier or reading the same book to your toddler 10 million times.  But as my life goes on it seems to apply to everything.  Of course right now when Jeff is fighting for his life it means chemo is hard but it's worth it.  But it also means when you're tired and you want the easy way out - that's not the way to go.  Life is hard.  I think it's meant to be.  Love, prayer, exercise, eating right, doing your job, raising your kids, being honest, making good choices, living within your means..... I could go on and on.  You get my point.  It's all hard.  And Jeff and I aren't perfect.  I'm always looking for the easy way out.  I just think I realize that it doesn't exist.  It's always going to be hard.  But...... I think it's worth it to put in the effort and sweat a little.  Push yourself and trust more. I'm not always an example of it but I do understand that it's a better way that I constantly strive for. So here I go.  I'm going to read to Jake before I say his prayers.  I'm going to help Gracie with her homework and talk to Luke more about football and how he is a good person no matter what the score says.  I am going to drink a glass of wine first but I really don't think that's cheating. It's not going to be easy but the end result is worth it.

Love,
Leta

Up and Down

The best thing about this week is that it went by quickly and it's over! It was scattered and all over the place. I hate those weeks. Jeff is having trouble keeping down food and liquid. His dr is in India for two weeks and we feel a little naked out in a breeze. There is a doctor on call but there have been a couple of miscommunications. That tends to happen when you are VERY ill and your dr is in India! It just meant we got to drive to Amarillo a lot this week for blood tests and dr visits. Jeff was dehydrated and got IV fluids on Tuesday. Thursday blood test indicated that his platelets are very low but not low enough for a transfusion. And since it is now the weekend we have to go to the ER if he starts to bleed because he won't be able to stop. Yuck! Who wants to go to the ER? There are sick people there. Praying that he can wait till Monday!
Other complaints: Jake and I need our nightmares to stop. Do you think it's Halloween stuff or the fact that some things in our life are real and scary?
Luke's football team lost last night and he's pretty down about it. This season has been a challenge for a lot of different reasons. It's a very young team with no seniors. Luke wants to do well and beats himself up when he messes up and feels he's let his team down. I'm sure he's not the only teenage boy that feels that way. But I know Luke feels especially low. That is such a tough part of parenting. Jeff and I agonize over how his cancer effects the kids. We try to keep everything as normal as possible which is ironic considering nothing is normal right now.

That is the end of my complaining for today. We got a beautiful, unexpected, wet, slushy snow Wednesday night and most of the day Thursday. It won't end out drought but it will make a difference in our wheat crop. Like maybe we might have one now. It made Jeff happy. Things are super muddy out here on the farm. My car will never be the same! But I'm not complaining!

Still in the game,
Jeff and Leta

Blessings

We are home and it's tough right now.  Jeff is weak and nauseous.  He's not the real Jeff at all.  The kids are happy we're home but it's not the same with their Daddy.  I think they get a little mad at him.  Adjustments are hard and we expect this now.  We all eventually have a melt down in our own particular way.  I'm a big crier and so is Jake.  Luke and Gracie like to be mad at us (they are teens) so I think that's normal.

 For a while last year Jeff and I went to counseling.  It was kind of weird for us. I never imagined us doing that.  I started going because I have some major grief issues and when Jeff was diagnosed it hit me harder than I could imagine.  I've already lost so many people in my life that I tremendously loved! Tremendously!!  My brother, Charles, and my two beautiful, wonderful and young cousins, Lauren and Emily - back to back. When Jeff was diagnosed with a rare and deadly cancer it was almost more than I could bear. I sunk into a deep depression and finally sought help with counseling and medication.  I've told very few people about that.  It's personal and intimate information but I think that many people that go thru cancer have a similar experience. So I'm writing about it tonight because I finally feel confident and willing to share that information.  I went through Samaritan counseling which is church based and even found a Presbyterian counselor.  He was very kind and let me tell him my long, dramatic story.  Eventually Jeff joined me and he even went to a couple of sessions by himself.  We haven't been back since last spring.  Reality hit and Jeff's cancer metastized and we've been focused only on Jeff.  But it was overall a good experience.  I think now I'm probably just as upset and fragile but I've got too many things to take care of that I can't focus on how upset I am right now.  And I think Jeff is the same way.  He's too sick to go right now and doesn't have the energy. But I wanted to put that out there.  We don't feel any shame or stigma about it.  If you need it - do it!

Here's how we feel today.  Okay.  Blessed.  Hopeful.  Jeff and I had a long talk last night.  Another "why me" and "why is this happening?"  We still don't know.  But really we are okay with it all.  It's funny but for the last 20 plus years that we have known each other we have constantly said, "We are blessed.  Everything important in life we have been blessed with."  We said that at first because we were so young and poor and had nothing but the love for each other. Then we continued to say it as we were blessed with beautiful, perfect children. We said it as we built our business and put all our faith and trust in God.  We said it as our marriage and love for each other grew.  We've always said it. Repeat - We've always said it! Sincerely.  And today we are SO thankful we did.  Because we really meant it and now as our life and faith are tested we are reassured by our own words.  We are blessed.  We are! We have built a life that is full of love and prosperity.  We love our family and our friends and we are surrounded by them in our darkest hour.  We didn't start saying or feeling those things because of Jeff's cancer.  We always had it.  What a blessing!!!  It is sustaining us today.  Our prayer now is for all of you to say it.  Today when your life is as perfect as you think it is.  Say it!  Please say it.  "I am blessed.  Everything important in life I have been blessed with."  I urge you to say it.  That is my prayer for you.

Blessed, vulnerable but okay,
Jeff and Leta

Not alone

We've made it to day 4. Things are going okay. The new medicine is still working but not as well as the first day. Jeff is sleeping right now and he slept really good last night. But after the news coverage of all the lions and tigers and bears he did have some bad dreams. But who wouldn't? Can you imagine if you lived in that town and all those wild animals were on the loose? Scary! Late last night I was watching some cable news show and they mentioned that a wild monkey was not accounted for and was presumed to still be wandering around. Although there was the possibility that one of the big cats could have eaten the monkey. I laughed until I cried. I know I'm sick and twisted but doesn't anyone else think that's a little funny?

Whenever Jeff goes into the hospital someone is always with him. He's never been alone up here. We realize what a blessing that is. I am so thankful that Jeff has worked hard so that I could be a stay at home mom and now not have to worry about working and taking care of Jeff. I'm also thankful for all our family and friends that help out with our kids so that I can be up here. There are so many patients that are up here all alone. No family, no friends, no church family. I don't know how they do it!
It's the hardest thing we've ever been through under the best of circumstances. Thank you, God.

Dr. Patel just stopped by and said the plan is for Jeff to take all 6 rounds of chemo? He is responding well and we should keep doing this treatment. Our immediate reaction was GREAT! But our next thought was CRAP! But I know he can do it! And we won't do it alone. Thank you, God!

Blessed,
Jeff and Leta

The GOOD drugs!

Today has been very predictable as day 2 of chemo. Jeff has started to feel nauseous and the pain has set in. Ever since radiation Jeff has suffered from horrible headaches. It's a side effect that the doctors said should be gone by now but that hasn't been the case. And of course chemo has made them worse. The treatment has been hydrocodone when they are really bad. But that has never done the job. Today he finally got some relief in the form of Oxycontin. Come to find out it's not just an expensive street drug but a real medicine! And Jeff LOVES it! He has been able to rest and eat more today. He's a little loopy but not too bad. He said he just feels good. I'm hoping that it will make a big difference getting through all the pain of chemo.

I have one funny and sweet moment to share. Jeff was dozing off and on and he looked over at me and said, "Babe, you're just right. Will you marry me?" I told him we were already married and he said, "Lets do it all again."

Of course I would.

Leta

Holy Moly!

Holy Moly it was tough going to the hospital today! Jeff Smith is the bravest man I know. Round 4 should start today. We are waiting to make sure his platelet count is high enough. It is unbelievably hard to muster up the strength to face chemo. I don't know how Jeff does it. He is so much stronger than I am. Physically and emotionally. We are hanging on to the hope that the chemo is working. We got the scan report this morning and it appears that not only did the tumor in Jeff's liver shrink but it looks like the center of it is dead. That news gave us the little boost we needed to do this all over again.

Okay we just got word that Jeff's platelets are up! Even a little higher than normal. Now we are just waiting for a room. I'm thinking Salt Grass for lunch! We officially hate hospital food.

Love,
Jeff and Leta

So many typos

To clarify, tumors in his liver shrunk and tumors in his lungs remain unchanged. Although the one in his right lung was gone after the first round of chemo. I didn't check for typos. Please forgive me!

Good news

We just received good news fromliver doctor. Jeff's scans showed the tumors in his liver have shrunk. The spots in his liver remained the same and nothing new had grown! So it appears that slowly bur surely the chemo is working. This is a positive sign that he should continue with round 4 of chemo. Although his platelets are still low, we are praying they will be high enough by Monday to start chemo then. It sure is nice to have some good news to report. Whew!

For the next four days we will be trying to prepare mentally and physically to start chemo again. Lots of steak, laughs and love! We are weary and the race ahead is getting harder every step. Please help us stay motivated and hopeful. We are still clinging tightly to one another as we pray for a cure. Please join us and continue to lift up Jeff in your prayers.

We love you all,
Jeff and Leta

Time is marching on

Jeff is getting his CT scans right now. We're at the out patient place. Jeff's blood work yesterday showed his platelets are still too low to start chemo this week. He will have another blood test on Thursday and with the CT scan results we will determine when round 4 of chemo will start. We are both full of anxiety about the scan results. If there isn't a big decrease in the tumors, there is a possibility this chemo will be stopped. It is brutal on his body and permanent damage can occur. So we are praying with all our might that the chemo is shrinking the cancer and Jeffs body is strong enough to withstand it.

Jeff has spent a lot of time in bed this time. Very unusual for him. He got up early Tuesday to ship cattle but it seems he's used all his energy and he's back to feeling tired and wiped out. I can't stress enough that chemo is a dirty, rotten whore!

Our spirits were lifted yesterday at the Happy Breast Cancer Awareness walk. Jeff was too tired to go but the kids and I went. The entire football team walked in honor of Jeff. That was so special for our family. And it touched my hearts to see Lukes team meats also support him. Lots of goodness out there!

We'll keep you posted on test results

B+

I mean B positive (not B plus).  Jeff's blood type is B+.  Dr Patel took a look at Jeff today and sent him to the hospital for blood tests there.  They drew blood from his arm and it wouldn't stop bleeding.  I knew at that point he would be in for some sort of blood products!  And yes, he qualified for platelets, which he received tonight and tomorrow he earns 2 pints of blood.  I knew Jeff wasn't bouncing back like he should.  And the doctor had warned us this was coming.  I am hoping and praying that after he receives blood he will feel much better.

 Dr. Patel said he wants Jeff to start Round 4 of chemo on Monday.  When he said that Jeff and I looked at each other and both said, "No way!" We are both too weary.  I don't see how he can be physically ready to do this again so soon.  But we will wait and see.  I'm sure we'll do what we need to do, whether we like it or not. The doctor also said he will repeat the scans the day Jeff checks into the hospital and have them run there.  Back at MD Anderson, CT scans took 3-4 hours start to finish.  But here in Amarillo it is a 20 minute process at the hospital and no waiting.  Hmmm.  Big difference!

I've had a couple of people ask me if they could donate blood for Jeff.  I don't think you can donate directly to him, even if you are B+ but you can donate in his name no matter what your blood type is. In all the anxiety and saddness, I love these moments of goodness. How special that someone would ask to give their blood Jeff.  It's like the 3 fishes and 5 loaves.  So small and yet it grows and spreads into something bigger than all of us.  I say it everyday.  Thank you.  Thank you so much for all the love, support, friendship, acts of kindness, words of encouragement, extra wine, food and ALL the many prayers.  The goodness is still growing and spreading.  Even through me and Jeff.  We can feel it. 

Again, thanking you,
Jeff and Leta 

Holding Pattern

We are just here. That's all. Nothing else. This round of chemo has done a lot of damage, to Jeff's body and also to our hearts. Jeff is really starting to look like he's sick. For so long he still looked healthy. Chemo has robbed him of that. He is bald, thin and frail. I remind him everyday that all the symptoms he is experiencing are from the treatment, not the disease. Its still a lot to take. He has not bounced back this time. I hate to see him this way. It breaks my heart. He has started an antibiotic for a possible sinus infection and he seems to have more energy today. I hope he's on the way back up. We see the dr tomorrow so we will have more answers soon.

We don't know when his next scans are or his next round of chemo. And we don't care. We don't talk about it or worry about. I think we are pretending those things in our future don't exist. And that protective move is helping us cope. Denial is working for us right now.

We have also slept a lot lately, the whole family. I'm not sure why but it's all we want to do. Usually Jeff sets the pace and things move fast and there is minimal time to sleep. But since Jeff is down we are still taking his lead. We cannot sleep enough. Is it because we are weary from all this or are we trying to hibernate through all the grief? Crazy how our brains work!

We will keep you posted on what the dr says and how Jeffs blood counts are. He's ready to stop wearing the mask and he'd secretly love to be around people. He wants to go to church and to a football game to watch Gracie cheer or watch Luke play. I hope he can do those things this week.

Thanks for all the love and support and food! They are still sustaining us.

Quietly,
Jeff and Leta