Caught off guard

Just when I seem to have my emotions in check, something unexpected will catch me off guard and shake me up. Yesterday I found Jeff's check book and I looked at the last check he wrote. It was to his brother for fence repairs on August 22nd. It just doesn't seem that long ago when he wrote it. Woosh! How can that be? How can it be that he was here in August and he is not here now? That one little check was more than I could take. I am surrounded by all his things and yet looking at his handwriting on that check threw me into a free fall. That is how my life is going right now. Lots of good things and friends and even laughing. But we are so fragile right now. My back has been bothering me for a couple of weeks. I finally went to the doctor when I couldn't sleep because of it. She explained it like this. People with extreme stress throw off a lot of adrenaline and it can manifest itself in a lot of different ways. Some people get migraines or ulcers or like me - back spasms. Hmmmm. I didn't even get to pick what I wanted! She said it is completely normal and it is the body's response to stress. I think that meant I'm not totally crazy - she said normal! The only alarming thing she said was the condition of my back indicated it had been like that for a long time and I hadn't even noticed. Really? Do you think that could be true? Do you think I wasn't even aware of myself? I just can't believe it. Do our minds really work that way? It's something to think about. The good news is that she recommends massage and lots of resting with the heating pad. Oh, now that sounds nice. I'm going to start getting a regular massage and I'm going to start talking to my counselor again, just in case I'm a little bit crazy. (I think it's only a little bit.) In other news the kids are good. The heater and the garage door are broken but should be fixed today! It's almost November and we are ready for a new month. Football is almost over and basketball will start soon. Life is going on and it's pulling us along with it. Love, Leta

Moving

Last weekend the kids and I moved to our new house. It is the house Jeff and I bought back in April thinking he would be here for another year or two. We had no idea that the kids and I would move in without him. But we did it and everything seems to be okay. As much sorrow as we have about leaving our home that we shared with Jeff, we all agree that starting over in a new place feels good. Luke and I talked about it a lot. He reminded me that the last two years of our lives have not been normal or consistent. So another change is not too shocking. It has been overwhelming and crazy. I often feel like I can't do it all. All: moving, grieving, running Smith Cattle Co, caring for my kids, even simple things like laundry and going to the store. But I think I am doing ok even though I'm not even close to mastering it "all". Last week Happy had a cancer fundraiser. Last year it was a breast cancer awareness/walk/fundraiser. This year they decided to walk and raise money again and do it all in the memory of Jeff. It was such a great experience. The blessing from the community of Happy continue. As long as I can focus on all the goodness around me, I seem to be able to keep my head above water. I haven't decided if I will continue the blog or not. It was Jeff's journey even though I wrote it. Maybe I will come up with a new name and keep it going. Thanks for all the love. Please come see us at the new house! We'd love to see you. Love, Leta

It is Well with My Soul

It is well with my soul but I'm not quite sure about my heart. The kids and I are missing Jeff. And that doesn't begin to describe it. And I won't even try. I will say that we are okay. We are doing our best to deal with our new life. I think the word that describes us best at this time is numb. We cannot believe that he is gone. He is still all around us and objects that represent him give us a false sense that he is just at work and will be home soon. His boots are still by the back door and we can see his pick up out by the barn. His pictures are everywhere and we talk about him everyday. Sometimes in the past tense and sometimes still in the present. We are cutting the corn that he was here to plant and we are shipping cattle that he bought and cared for. I heard him the other day but it was Luke talking. I saw him the other day but it was Jake as he turned his head. His temperament is alive and well in Gracie as she protests all of this. So he is still with us and that calms us and shatters us. But one thing we know is that he is in Heaven and obviously has had some input on the weather. We joked about that before he died. He was going to get right to work on our Texas drought as soon as he could. So really the 3 1/2 inches of rain were not a big surprise. He got all his wheat planted early for a reason. The love and support from our family, friends and community continue to lift us up. I witness it every day as I see my children being cared for. Happy, Texas has produced a special kind of goodness and grace. And it was a true blessing to watch it grow and spread this past week. I think it is a lesson for all of us. We are all here on this earth to serve and take care of one another. And when we do that, it creates moments that are "just right". It's a great choice to make. Thank you all for living that example for my family. I have written down a verse from a song at Jeff's service. I read it all the time. The hymn was written by Horatio Spafford in the 1800's after he grieved the death of his four daughters. Certainly my grief is not unshared. When peace like a river, attendeth my way, When sorrow like sea billows roll; Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say, It is well, it is well, with my soul. I'm okay, Leta

"For what it's worth, it was worth all the while"

I love the lyrics to that song by Green Day, Good Riddance. Another turning point, a fork stuck in the road Time grabs you by the wrist, directs you where to go So make the best of this test and don't ask why It's not a question, but a lesson learned in time It's something unpredictable, but in the end it's right I hope you had the time of your life. Jeff slipped away peacefully yesterday. Yesterday morning when it was obvious what was happening, it was very clear that the moment at hand was meant for me and Jeff. I climbed into bed with him and wrapped us up tight in a quilt. And I just held him and loved him. It wasn't scary or weird. It was actually just love. It was part of the promise we made to each other - till death do us part. So I got to be a part of that beautiful moment. As I was lying there thinking of our life together it made me think how very few times when we are on earth that we get a glimpse of heaven. Jeff and I always thought new babies were close to that since their little spirits are fresh out of heaven. Their first breaths and cries are celestial. And so were Jeff's last. So from what I can tell, it's all going to be okay for the rest of us. I am planning Jeff's service for Thursday afternoon. We talked about this a lot. He didn't want a dark funeral. He wanted a service to praise God and celebrate his life. And afterwards he wanted a big party. He wanted people to eat and drink and laugh. And of course tell all the "Jeff stories" they could remember. Unless they are stories about Jeff and me in college. Those might not be appropriate for my kids to hear! He said it until the end. Everything important in life he was blessed with. Love, Leta

Still fighting

Jeff is still fighting. Early this morning his breathing pattern changed dramatically. He is barely hanging on but his strong heart is still beating. My family surrounded me and my kids today with unimaginable love. Jeff's family also came to be with him. We sat around him and laughed and told all kinds of stories. We touched him and rubbed is arms and legs and even snuggled him. His room is full of life and love, not gloom and doom. It's how he would want it. Peace and calmness are with us all. The nurse told me this morning that it would probably be today. However, those of you that know Jeff the best would also know that: #1 He doesn't like to be told what to do and #2 He is always late and being on time never mattered to him. So there. God is still obviously in charge. Thank goodness. He is comfortable and asleep. His face is completely relaxed. He is so beautiful and I am blessed to be here with him. Leta

What I Know

Jeff is peaceful and asleep. He is not awake anymore but still fighting. My kids have a peace and understanding that is surely heaven sent. There are no rules at hospice and everything here is for the good. My grief is larger than me and what I can understand. The love and grace surrounding us is larger than my grief. There is love and grace in places and people I never thought of. It rained today. (Jeff would love that) Leta

Decision

Yesterday made the tough decision to move Jeff to the hospice unit in Amarillo. He has been declining quickly and i could no longer give him he kind of care he deserves. They are doing a great job and i am standing strong that I did the right thing.  the kids are shaky but okay. My parents are staying with them so i can stay with Jeff. They were up here after school and loved all over their Daddy. So things are okay today. We are being loved from every angle. I'll keep you posted. Leta