Anger and frustration are giving way to super sadness. It's a kind of sadness I never knew existed. And my sadness is magnified a million times by watching my children suffer. We are entering a new phase of grieving and I want it to be over. Honestly, I just pray for time to pass quickly.
Last week was our County Stock Show. It was a painful blessing. Jeff grew up showing steers in Randall County - just like his kids, only they show sheep. You all know by now I never set foot in a barn until the day I met Jeff Smith. The irony in this situation is stock showing is something I did more with the kids than Jeff. He was so busy and I was the one with all the time. I learned to haul a trailer, give a lamb a shot and was by far a better shearer than Jeff. Huh!! It is a time that I shared with the kids more than Jeff. But his presence was deeply missed.
Last Saturday we were back in his old stomping grounds. And I had not properly prepared me or the kids for the experience. About ten minutes before the show I was approached and asked if they could dedicate the show in Jeff's memory. What an honor!! And what a surprise. I scrambled to steady myself and tell the kids. We did well to hold it together. So many beautiful and gracious gestures were made. Our Happy 4H donated money to the lamb showmanship winners. (Gracie won the Jr Showmanship) It ended up to be an impossible day.
I don't ever want to sound ungrateful. I'm not. But it is so hard. So many people wanted to talk about Jeff and we just wanted to be normal. I know that is a horrible thing to say but it's how we felt and I'm just saying it. Right or wrong - it just is. People were so kind and emotional. I cried and cried and tried to take in all the goodness. Eventually I hid in the car with my friend Jennifer and drank a beer and lost my mojo. But I found a balance and went back in and faced it all and finished the day. I was so lucky to be surrounded by friends and family that held me up all day.
One big thought that was with me all day, this time last year (One. Year. Ago) we had just found out the chemo didn't work. We told the kids and decided to go to the stock show anyway. I can't believe it's been a year.
We are wounded. And I worry that the scars are permanent. Like we will never be okay. But..... I try to let that go. I'm trying to love my kids and do things like stock show. I'm trying. And they're trying. We really are. Please continue to hold us close and hug us and talk to us and be with us. Even if we don't want to talk about it or even if we cry. It's still us. Me and Luke and Gracie and Jake. We still need you. Even when we don't show it.
Loving you all,
Leta
Thursday, January 24, 2013
Wednesday, January 9, 2013
Onward
We are moving on into a new year. I won't even try to imagine what this year will hold for my family. I gave up on that a long time ago. No resolutions. No expectation. It's just better that way. Our only goal is just to keep on going.
We made it through Christmas and it was surprisingly okay. The kids were very distracted by presents. We were around a lot of family but they were "fun chaos" and helped fill our time. Now we are back to reality and a busy schedule. Of course we would all glue ourselves to the TV and couch in a second if we could. We fight those feelings everyday. We don't really want to do anything, we just are because we are supposed to. Another strange feeling is how selfish we feel right now. It is ALL about us and how we feel. And how other people or things or events make us feel. It's impossible to shake right now but I hope our perspective changes back to a healthy view eventually. In the mean time I hope we aren't walking around offending people all the time. I've said it before, we are not ourselves.
I've recently gotten a lot of business things finalized and taken care of. Jeff was meticulous in setting things up for me and the kids. When he wasn't able to physically work he mentally was still in the game and got a lot done. There were many things I didn't know he was doing and am just finding out now. But it's still been hard. I've had to check the box marked "widow" and it took my breath away and rebroke my heart. I've had two people at the grocery store ask me how Jeff was doing. I've really got to stop going to the grocery store! I'm having to do things that Jeff always took care of. And just because I don't like them doesn't give me the option of not doing them.
I'm praying for endurance. I'm praying for little shots of happiness for me and the kids - really my kids. I'm praying for less anxiety and more peace. I'm praying that depression and bitterness don't invade. I'm praying that time will go quickly and that healing will hurry up.
Leta
I'm also really and truly praying for rain. It's starting to get a little spooky!
We made it through Christmas and it was surprisingly okay. The kids were very distracted by presents. We were around a lot of family but they were "fun chaos" and helped fill our time. Now we are back to reality and a busy schedule. Of course we would all glue ourselves to the TV and couch in a second if we could. We fight those feelings everyday. We don't really want to do anything, we just are because we are supposed to. Another strange feeling is how selfish we feel right now. It is ALL about us and how we feel. And how other people or things or events make us feel. It's impossible to shake right now but I hope our perspective changes back to a healthy view eventually. In the mean time I hope we aren't walking around offending people all the time. I've said it before, we are not ourselves.
I've recently gotten a lot of business things finalized and taken care of. Jeff was meticulous in setting things up for me and the kids. When he wasn't able to physically work he mentally was still in the game and got a lot done. There were many things I didn't know he was doing and am just finding out now. But it's still been hard. I've had to check the box marked "widow" and it took my breath away and rebroke my heart. I've had two people at the grocery store ask me how Jeff was doing. I've really got to stop going to the grocery store! I'm having to do things that Jeff always took care of. And just because I don't like them doesn't give me the option of not doing them.
I'm praying for endurance. I'm praying for little shots of happiness for me and the kids - really my kids. I'm praying for less anxiety and more peace. I'm praying that depression and bitterness don't invade. I'm praying that time will go quickly and that healing will hurry up.
Leta
I'm also really and truly praying for rain. It's starting to get a little spooky!
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