We've had a couple of bad days. I'm not sure why but they definitely were BAD days. Cancer is not for the weak hearted. Repeat. Cancer is NOT for the weak hearted. Jeff is ok. But the toil of insomnia, bloody noses and fatigue are sometimes more than we can all bear. We think that these new symptoms are from the trial medicine but our minds wander and we think about other things. Jeff also has some pain issues. We haven't shared all the intimate details of our journey but to endure the radiation and chemo that Jeff has endured....... well it hurts. So any new pain or unmanaged pain is a concern. And then when we talk, we have to ask ourselves - Is it physical or mental? Too hard to tell. It's all that letting go that gets him down.
Today was better. We go to San Antonio on Sunday and we don't want to, but we are. I think it's the build up of that. Going out of town, being away from the kids, being away from the farm, the cost and stress of it all. Well, it's a lot. So how do we do it? How does Jeff stay strong? How do we not lose our shit all the time? How do we keep it together? How do I take care of Jeff and the kids? Endless questions but somehow all of our needs are met. One foot in front of the other and we keep going. Anyone in our situation would do the same thing. I promise you would. But I hope you never do.
My friend Connie is about to be a grandmother for the first time any moment. It got me thinking. I remember when Jeff and I had Luke - our first born. It's the moment in your life that you completely change. It's one of the best days of your life!! I always say that Jeff loved me from the start but his heart didn't change until he loved our children. It's the secret of life, the definition of true love, only understood when it happens to you. Luke and Gracie and Jake have changed our lives and we are better for it. Wow! We love them.
Jake said the other day, "Daddy is taking a new medicine that is going to get rid of his cancer." Jeff was standing right there and we locked eyes and he couldn't speak. I said, "No baby, the new medicine might help Daddy but there is not cure for Daddy's cancer. Maybe someday there will be but there's not today." Yes, I totally said that out loud. And Jeff just nodded at me. We can't lie to our kids about it. We can't. We refuse to be in denial about it even though we really kind of want to. We are facing the truth and dealing with it everyday. It's so hard. You know, the letting go.
My sister, Katie said it this morning. "Jeff will always be with us. He is everywhere." Yes, he is leaving a legacy all around him. When I look at our kids I see him, hear him and am with him. And my comfort is that he will live on through them.
Whew! Glad to get all of that out. Please pray for Jeff that his nose bleeds stop and that he can sleep. We are praying for peace and acceptance and still hope. He remains so tough.
Love,
Jeff and Leta
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