Happy Anniversary, babe

Jeff and I met in the fall of 1984.  We were in typing class together at Canyon HS.  Jeff was a junior and I was a sophomore.  He was the cutest, blonde, wild cowboy I had ever seen.  Never having been around a cowboy before I wasn't sure how to approach him.  So I quietly crushed on him from two rows back.  He never looked my way - although he swears the feelings were mutual.  He just didn't know how to approach me - the blonde, bubbly, social butterfly, over achiever.
Flash forward to 1990.  We were both at WT and saw each other at a Maine's Brothers Dance at the Activity Center.  It was love at first sight and he stole my heart that night when he asked me to dance. I often say I fell in love with him because he was such a good two-stepper! He said he couldn't remember my name but remembered me from typing class.  He said he had dreamed about me.  We fell madly in love and I knew from the start he would be the man I would marry.  But getting to the marriage part was harder than I thought.  Jeff didn't come from a family where he saw his parents love one another.  He couldn't imagine how a loving marriage would be.  He didn't know how to make something like that work. In fact he was convinced it never would work. We broke up a couple of times over those thoughts of his!  From the time we met I smothered Jeff in my love. Of course he loved it but I'm also sure it scared him to death.  In fact the first time Jeff asked me to marry him he freaked himself out and tried to take it back the next day.  Yes, that is a true story!  But I guess after time he knew our love  was sincere and he started to trust our future more.
We were married November 28, 1992 over Thanksgiving weekend.  There had been a blizzard 4 days before and there was still plenty of snow on the ground.  Our church had been decorated for Christmas and it was so beautiful.  It was a perfect day.
When I think back to the vows we said to one another that day - we were children and had no idea what we were saying.  We kind of grew into those promises.  Thank goodness we meant them. 
It hasn't always been easy.  We have certainly had our fights and disagreements.  Mainly we just drive each other crazy.  But our fierce love for each other has carried us through.  Jeff is a great husband. He's not perfect but he's pretty great. He has learned to smother me in his love and come to find out he likes to do that!  Marriage and kids aren't near as scary as he once thought.  He lets me do my own thing and trusts me all the time. He rarely tries to boss me and he has never said, "You will do it because I said so."  He has worked double time so that I could be a stay at home mom.  He puts up with me and my sisters. (When we're together we can be a little overwhelming.) He lets me buy clothes and shoes and purses.  He always changes my flat tires and makes sure I'm driving a reliable car. He always helps me put the kids to bed and helps them with their homework while I cook supper.  He switched from Baptist to Presbyterian and  even joined my church. He tells me I'm beautiful and makes me feel that way. I love him. I really love him.  He's just the right guy for me. And I'm very thankful for our anniversary this year. 

Love,
Leta

Thanks and Giving

Happy Thanksgiving!  This was such a tough day but it ultimately reigned triumphant!  Jeff and I got up at 5:30 to go to the hospital this morning.  We knew that it could be a long day and we wanted to start and be finished as soon as possible.  We arrived by 7:30 and were greeted at the Out Patient room by a nurse that said, "We are closed today, what are you doing here?" We have felt that sting before and told her that our Dr had told us to be there for blood work and possibly  a transfusion.  To make a long story short, our Dr arrived, blood work was done and Jeff received a unit of platelets.  They also gave him some IV nausea meds for all the holiday vomiting.  Luckily we were home by noon.  The kids and I cooked Thanksgiving and Jeff was able to sleep all afternoon.  He was able to eat a couple of bites and the kids and I enjoyed the rest.

I was sad not to spend the day with all my crazy family but we were okay.  I was prepared to enjoy the quietness of "just my family". Thankfully my kids fussed and fought and teased one another all day and I wasn't faced with any quiet moments.   Just as I was about to feel sorry for myself and think of all the things this day wasn't, I received a message from a girl that Jeff and I went to high school with.  She had read our blog and related to it because of health issues of her daughter.  She wrote to thank us for touching her. Wow! Its hard for us to imagine how we can be helping someone else. We actually feel our needs are great and we ask for a lot of help and support.  I feel like this blog is just a place to update things with Jeff, gripe, complain and stand on my soap box.  It's often not even about Jeff.  But it's nice to know that our circle of friends and family is ever growing.  We are thankful for that.  And we are thankful that our story has touched someone else.  We're not always happy about the way things are going but we do feel blessed. And we were so thankful to receive that message tonight.

So even though this wasn't the best Thanksgiving I've ever had, I will continue to give thanks.  God bless you all tonight!  I hope you are filled with  the love of family, a belly full of food and contentment with the life you  are given.

Jeff and Leta

WE are the Church

I was blessed today and I hope my kids felt it too.  My sister orchastrated a family gathering/mission today and it was an experience I had not anticipated.  My sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, my cousin, my aunt and my parents - about 20 of us in all met and went to volunteer at the Faith City Mission. We were among 275 volunteers today and it was a truly a blessing.  This was something my kids and I had never done before and it was great.  I would recommend it to everyone I know!  And I will do it again and again and again! There were many more volunteers than homeless people.  There were so many of us our job was simply to stand outside and greet the shelter's "guests".  I like it that they were called the guests and our job was to serve them. We stood outside in the beautiful sunny day and shook hands and greeted hundreds of people.  I was proud to stand beside my children and my family as we simply welcomed people to a wonderful lunch.  As the guests entered the doors they enjoyed worship before their meal.  There was an inspirational video and a sermon.  And while I didn't agree with everything that was said, I felt an overwhelming sense that WE are the Church. There was an alter call of sorts and I wasn't sure that "asking Jesus into their hearts" was meaningfully to the group of hungry, tired, dirty, depressed, addicted, handicapped guests.  I think the most meaningful part of the day were the people.  The touching of hands, the serving of food, the smiles of children, the conversations about the weather, and the quick blessings and prayers that were shared. WE are the church. Of course I want everyone to have a relationship with our Lord, but I think the servant's hearts were closer to getting that job done than the preacher.  And that was what was singed into my brain and what I told my children.  WE are the church.  Wherever we go, whomever we meet in every situation, WE are the church.  We are on this earth to serve one another.  It's not about us.  And my small confession is that I often feel sorry for my family and all that we are going through.  Our circumstances will not be changed by doctors or medicine BUT.... WE are the church and my family has been served by many.  And it was a true blessing to serve others today. I was proud to be a part of such a wonderful family and a wonderful "church". So whatever God you serve and whatever church you attend, we are united in our love of service, our acts of kindness and goodness and acceptance.  WE are the church.

On a side note, Jeff got his blood tests from yesterday back and his platelets are low.  We are going to the hospital early tomorrow morning for another blood test and probably a platelet transfusion. (Thank you Susan for donating 2 units of platelets this week).  Jeff and I are tired and weary and the last place we want to be on Thanksgiving is the hospital.  But we are thankful that if he needs platelets he will get them.  We are thankful for our familyand friends and being a part of something that is MUCH bigger than ourselves.  We are humbled daily by it all. And we are truly blessed to be a part of it all.  This life is beautiful, heart breaking, and very messy.  We absolutley love it!  We get it.  Thank God!! WE are the church!

A little relief

We got to sleep last night and it was bliss! I think they only checked Jeffs vital signs twice and the IV only beeped twice. What a relief! Jeff is sitting up eating breakfast and talking business on the phone. It's amazing how quickly he starts to rebound once the chemo is stopped. He looks a million times better. I also think the blood transfusion did it's job. Our nurse today is someone Jeff rode the school bus with when they were kids. What a special way to end this hospital stay.

We should be discharged before lunch and I hope to make it to Happy to see Gracie play a game in her basketball tournament. Go Cowgirls!

Joyful,
Jeff and Leta

No rest for the weary

We had another sleepless night. We've done it before although it was more fun with a newborn baby. Now it's just the two of us and were getting grumpy. It was so bad last night that at 3:30 we just decided to be up and watch TV. There was nothing good on but it distracted us from the annoying IV beeping. We decided it could be a form of torture. Let someone fall asleep for 30 minutes and then wake them up with loud beeping. Repeat 20 times!

Jeff's blood counts were lower today so he is currently getting a blood transfusion. I'm glad we are doing it now instead of next week. I hope Thanksgiving week we can be at home, resting, recovering and being thankful! I can't imagine anything better. And now that Jeff is getting blood I hope he feels better than he usually does the first week after chemo.

We should be home tomorrow afternoon. I can't wait for my bath tub and my bed! Jeff said he just wants to see our kids and love on them. He's so much more thoughtful! I should have said that.

Checking off round 5,
Jeff and Leta

A great nurse can make your day!

It's day 4 of chemo and Jeff is getting it done! It's tough stuff but nothing unexpected. His blood counts are low and it looks like he might have to have a blood transfusion tomorrow. We'll wait and see. We had a nurse last night that isn't our favorite. She likes to turn on ALL the lights in the middle of the night and talk loudly. Grrrr! We realize that hospitals aren't a place to rest but we have become quite spoiled by some of the other nurses and now we're ruined. We have had one of our favorite nurses the last two days. What a blessing! Jeff's nurse on Tuesday brought him a warm donut and cold milk after he didn't like his regular breakfast. Now that's a great nurse! It's an especially big letdown for both of us when we get home and have to care for ourselves. We regularly try to convince nurses to come home with us. So far no luck. Jeff has one nurse that takes his vital signs and they often bet on his blood pressure and pulse. Their standing bet is a thirty pack of beer. Oh my! Jeff is charming them all!

Chemo will be over tomorrow and we hope to go home Saturday. I'm praying time passes quickly. Jeff's current curse word this time is worse than dirty rotten whore. I hope we are discharged before they kick us out. I just try and keep the door shut.

Peace and love,
Jeff and Leta

Who are we - con't

I'm having mechanical difficulties and it posted my last blog before I was finished!

We are in a different room this time, a completely different wing. It's nice to see everything at a different angle and have a new perspective. I'm hoping and praying we will coast thru this round of chemo. We did find out that's Jeff's white count dropped dramatically overnight after just the first dose of chemo. He is neutropenic which means he can't be around anyone who is sick, or might be getting sick. Lots of hand washing and masks. Yuck!

I have a uplifting moment to share. I got to go to Gracies first jr high basketball game last night and sat with some wonderful ladies. We talked about Jeff and how tough chemo is but how brave he is. I made the comment that we wanted to meet the person that has taken all six rounds of this kind of chemo and shake his hand. My friend Connie said, "You're about to. Jeff is going to be that guy and everyone is going to want to shake his hand." I love a different perspective!! I just told Jeff that story and it made him smile. He is proud to be that guy and he would love to tell someone facing this kind of chemo his story. And for the first time I saw in his face that he is going to do this. As long as his body can take it, his mind is strong enough to bear it.

I hope this blog seemed more hopeful today. We're trying!

Lots of love,
Jeff and Leta

Who are we?

I just got through reading some of our past blog entries and I have to admit that it is a bit of a downer to read. Really gruesome stuff. And my first reaction is I can't believe that's us! We are usually happy and often funny. Were usually someone you would want to be friends with and hang around. I almost couldn't stand us. But I decided to give ourselves a break. And that's a relief. Because I know that the funk we are in now will not last forever. Thank goodness. This is a dark period and we do appreciate you standing beside us. It must be hard. But thank you for putting up with us when we are not ourselves!

Day 2 of chemo is about normal. Jeff had a good night and enjoyed his brother, Ron spending the night with him.

The good smell

Last week for Veterans Day, Jake had to make a poster for school. We had red, white and blue stars and markers all ready to go when I remembered some of my Grandfathers WWII pictures and dog tags. I went to get the box of my "Grandparents stuff". When I opened the lid I was hit with the smell. It smelled just like them, G-Momma and Grandfather. It was so overpowering and comforting I burst into tears. Jake came running over to see WHAT was in that box! I tried to explain to him how much I loved that smell and how much I loved them. It reminded me of when I was a little girl and would go to their house and it smelled so good just walking in the door. Jake doesn't remember them but he loves his grandparents so I think he had some understanding of what I was saying. I couldn't believe that just a smell could mean so much to me. I am blessed to have such a giant, crazy, wonderful family. And I've had them all my life! What a great foundation I've been given and what a bigger blessing to raise my children in this family. My grandparents legacy continues.

Saturday night the other side of my family had a birthday celebration for my Granny. She turned 90 years old. Jeff and I debated on whether to go. A small thing like going out to dinner can take all of our energy. But we decided to go. It was loud and crazy - just like always. We talked and laughed and were surrounded by the people that love us unconditionally. By the time we left we felt so much better than when we got there. We were full of hopeful energy to face chemo today. And when we left I hugged Granny for a long time. I was her first grandchild so I'm sure that makes me her favorite. I took one last sniff before I let go. Ahhh, powder and Estee Lauder.


Love,
Jeff and Leta

Going into Round 5

Jeff got good news from his blood work earlier in the week.  His counts are up so the plan is to start Round 5 on Monday.  When he first started chemo he was excited to do it, excited at the prospect of beating this disease and excited that there was a treatment.  Today those emotions have changed.  He knows he is blessed that there is a treatment he can take but he is physically and mentally exhausted from the process.  We never imagined chemo could be this brutal.  It is a horrible, relentless treatment.  To finish all 6 rounds is unimaginable at this point.  I know Jeff and I know how strong and determined he is and I know he will do this. But these last two treatments will be torture.  And I hate that they will fall during Thanksgiving and Christmas.  Daily we affirm our decision and talk about the good that this chemo is doing.  If it is destroying his healthy cells so rapidly it HAS to be destroying the cancer cells.  He will not rescan until all the chemo is finished.  This is actually a relief.  We don't really want to know anything different right now.  We know he is having a response and some of his tumors are shrinking, so in our minds it is continuing to do so. We can talk about the future and have hope!  So that's what we're doing. Counting down the days until the chemo is over and he starts to recover and morphs back into himself. He is dreaming of a warm spring without too much wind.  Lots of thunderstorms and beautiful green wheat.  He wants to grow his hair back and do a lot of roping.  He can't wait for a steak off the grill and an ice cold beer.  He wants to ride horses with his kids and  be outside long enough to have to put on sunscreen.  No bucket lists to check off or regreats.  He doesn't feel that way.  He just wants to enjoy life and be joyful!  Bring it on God! 

The bravest choice

This week has been one of the hardest for me. Jeff is feeling much better and is eating, sleeping and working. I think I wait until he starts to bounce back before I start to relax and let down my guard and eventually meltdown. But a good cry does feel good. But this time my good cry has latest a couple of days. There is a good reason. The price of love and life and family is worth more than an ocean of tears. Here's our story of the week. We know someone that is young and strong like Jeff that is battling cancer. He's had a rough road and just found out that his disease has returned. I hate the ending of that story! From what we understand he will try some new chemo but has chosen not to undergo anymore radical treatments. If we had heard his story 2 years ago we would have been so judgmental in our opinion. We would have thought he had given up and not wanted to fight hard enough for himself or his family. We would have felt righteous in our words and we would have been wrong. And this is why I have cried all week. It's a realization that is heartbreaking but beautiful. When your body has been mutilated and destroyed by cancer and surgery and chemo and radiation, when every part of your body, except your soul, has been rendered broken, you are faced with a choice. To make your choice is very personal. And I am shamed that I would presume to know what is best for someone in that situation. Because today I know that if you chose to live the remainder of your life with a clear mind and surrounded by love and family, well that is about the bravest choice you could ever make. God bless the people that ever have to make those kind of choices. Because it could be you, or me and Jeff. I would say it's worthy of a good cry.

I made it through this tough week because of all the people God put along my path. Thank you Daddy for taking Jeff to the doctor. And a special thanks to M and M for getting me to Follett to watch Luke play. Blessed!

Jeff and Leta