Caught off guard

Just when I seem to have my emotions in check, something unexpected will catch me off guard and shake me up. Yesterday I found Jeff's check book and I looked at the last check he wrote. It was to his brother for fence repairs on August 22nd. It just doesn't seem that long ago when he wrote it. Woosh! How can that be? How can it be that he was here in August and he is not here now? That one little check was more than I could take. I am surrounded by all his things and yet looking at his handwriting on that check threw me into a free fall. That is how my life is going right now. Lots of good things and friends and even laughing. But we are so fragile right now. My back has been bothering me for a couple of weeks. I finally went to the doctor when I couldn't sleep because of it. She explained it like this. People with extreme stress throw off a lot of adrenaline and it can manifest itself in a lot of different ways. Some people get migraines or ulcers or like me - back spasms. Hmmmm. I didn't even get to pick what I wanted! She said it is completely normal and it is the body's response to stress. I think that meant I'm not totally crazy - she said normal! The only alarming thing she said was the condition of my back indicated it had been like that for a long time and I hadn't even noticed. Really? Do you think that could be true? Do you think I wasn't even aware of myself? I just can't believe it. Do our minds really work that way? It's something to think about. The good news is that she recommends massage and lots of resting with the heating pad. Oh, now that sounds nice. I'm going to start getting a regular massage and I'm going to start talking to my counselor again, just in case I'm a little bit crazy. (I think it's only a little bit.) In other news the kids are good. The heater and the garage door are broken but should be fixed today! It's almost November and we are ready for a new month. Football is almost over and basketball will start soon. Life is going on and it's pulling us along with it. Love, Leta

Moving

Last weekend the kids and I moved to our new house. It is the house Jeff and I bought back in April thinking he would be here for another year or two. We had no idea that the kids and I would move in without him. But we did it and everything seems to be okay. As much sorrow as we have about leaving our home that we shared with Jeff, we all agree that starting over in a new place feels good. Luke and I talked about it a lot. He reminded me that the last two years of our lives have not been normal or consistent. So another change is not too shocking. It has been overwhelming and crazy. I often feel like I can't do it all. All: moving, grieving, running Smith Cattle Co, caring for my kids, even simple things like laundry and going to the store. But I think I am doing ok even though I'm not even close to mastering it "all". Last week Happy had a cancer fundraiser. Last year it was a breast cancer awareness/walk/fundraiser. This year they decided to walk and raise money again and do it all in the memory of Jeff. It was such a great experience. The blessing from the community of Happy continue. As long as I can focus on all the goodness around me, I seem to be able to keep my head above water. I haven't decided if I will continue the blog or not. It was Jeff's journey even though I wrote it. Maybe I will come up with a new name and keep it going. Thanks for all the love. Please come see us at the new house! We'd love to see you. Love, Leta